


Sex Ed.

by Swanishdynamite



Category: IT - Stephen King
Genre: Getting Together, Good Parents Maggie & Wentworth Tozier, High School, Implied Sexual Content, M/M, Making Out, Pennywise happened but they're starting to forget, Pining, Set in the 90s, Sex Education, Sexual Tension, This is just as much a story about Stan and Richie's friendship
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-11-06
Updated: 2020-09-10
Packaged: 2021-01-24 10:49:43
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 13
Words: 43,133
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21337018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Swanishdynamite/pseuds/Swanishdynamite
Summary: It was a monday morning, he was still tasting the remnant of his breakfast between his teeth, and his new schedule was taunting him. There right under his P.E class the words stood. Burning, shaming, and most of all granting him images he’d never ever imagined outside his own room, and which until this day had been exclusively for the likes of Patrick Swayze. The words standing out like an invitation to think about it, Sex Ed. He knew that it wasn't actually referencing his best friend. Still. The moment his eyes fell on the words, in a brilliant moment of word association, it was too late. Just like that, his carefully separated boxes of lust and love had mixed and he couldn’t unsee it.‐-----------‐--------------------Summary: Richie has managed to separate his sexual attractions and his affection towards his best friend for years. Until a simple look at his school schedule messes the whole thing up.
Relationships: Eddie Kaspbrak/Richie Tozier
Comments: 53
Kudos: 205





	1. The Schedule

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [](https://ibb.co/4sbgzsK)  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT I made some "chapter mood boards" for fun, but I'm not sure if they take away from the story. Please give me feedback if they are a fun addition, or if you prefer to let the imagination fill you in and they get in the way. I want to know what the readers think!

Richie Tozier was 16 years old. Obnoxiously spilling over with teenage hormones and couldn’t shut up to save his life, and still had managed to keep what would undoubtedly be the juiciest secret in the history of Derry. Maybe he only thought that because as a teenage boy, he had trouble picturing anything more interesting than his own inner emotional conflict. 

Or maybe it was because he knew he was carrying this huge burden, this huge secret, but couldn’t exactly remember what it was about. He knew he remembered carrying the biggest secret in the history of Derry, but with lack of substance to that feeling he assumed it had to be the gay thing. Yes, the gay thing. Because Richie Tozier was a homosexual, and despite huge amounts of bathroom tagging that proved otherwise, no one actually knew that about him. Somehow the boy who never shut up had managed to keep that secret.

He had it under control, he was very aware that he was terribly in love with his best friend, but also very careful to keep those emotions on a very platonic level. There were romantic affections you carried for your best friend, carried with the same innocence as when they had surfaced at the age of 13. The innocent kind of affection that you had to carry as to not feel terribly guilty every time you met them outside of the privacy of your boyhood bedroom.

Then there were the sexual appetites that you reserved for celebrity crushes, the unreachable hotties you knew you’d never meet anyway so there were no risk of feeling shame in the face of confrontation. He was gay, he had a major hard-on for Patrick Swayze and he was in love with Eddie Kaspbrak. Separating those emotions was easy and no one had to be the wiser about them. It was easy. That is, until it suddenly wasn’t anymore.

He was 16, soon to be 17 and his carefully laid out system was crumbling, the message clear and scolding and staring at him from a standard issue, size A4 office paper. It was a monday morning, he was still tasting the remnant of his breakfast between his teeth, and his new schedule was taunting him. There right under his P.E class the words stood. Burning, shaming, and most of all granting him images he’d never ever imagined outside his own room, and which until this day had been exclusively for the likes of Patrick Swayze. The words standing out like an invitation to think about it, Sex Ed. He knew that it wasn't actually referencing his best friend. Still. The moment his eyes fell on the words, in a brilliant moment of word association, it was too late. Just like that, his carefully separated boxes of lust and love had mixed and he couldn’t unsee it. Sex Ed, have sex with Eds, like it was even an option.

He swallowed thickly and felt the burn over his cheeks as he glanced over the words again. Words he’d carefully kept apart for years but as soon as they appeared next to each other seemed to fit together like burgers and fries, or sonny and cher. Like they god damn belonged in the same sentence. 

“Richie, y- you okay?”

He crumpled the paper in a startle as he felt Bill’s hand land on his shoulder and his chocked eyes looked comically huge behind his coke-bottle glasses as he stared down at one of his best friends, since he these days towered a whole head over them.

“Jesus Billyboy, you scared the shit out of me”

Bill’s eyebrows knitted in concern.

“I’ve b-been calling your name for five m-minutes Rich” 

Richie shoved the piece of paper down his backpack and grinned.

“Sorry, was thinking about Eds mom” he said as he saw the familiar halo of dark curls moving from behind Bill. And as clockwork he felt the familiar pressure of a well aimed elbow to his soft side as mentioned boy made his presence known to Bill by shoving his way past him to get to Richie.

“Fucking comedian this one, if I catch you mentioning my mom again I’ll punch you in the balls next time, got that?”

Richie tried not to think about any part of Eddie anywhere near his balls and chuckled in between rubbing his aching side. God, he was so screwed. 

Eddie immediately fell into animated conversation with Bill as if the insult to his mother didn't happen mere seconds ago. Richie found himself uncharacteristically quiet, staring at Eddie's features.

Speaking of Mrs Kaspbrak, as Richie had gotten into the habit of staring a little too intently at his friend's face he had noted that a thin shadow of a mustache had started to grow on Eddie's upper lip lately. He wondered why on earth Sonia Kaspbrak allowed her little Eddiebear to sport such a thing when Richie's own mother had shoved him and his father into the large upstairs bathroom at the very first sign of a beard growth on his own face. In order for some father and son bonding to occur.

Even though Eddie didn't have a father to share in the joys of shaving Richie doubted the overbearing Sonia Kaspbrak had any warm feelings for her son's very obvious step towards manhood, but maybe the horror of a sharp razor blade anywhere near her baby's face outweighed the horror of him growing up. So Eddie had what some might almost call a mustache, the sort of pathetic fluffy kind typically appointed to pubescent youth. It wasn't sexy… and yet Richie wanted nothing but to stroke his thumb through it, wondered what it felt like when kissing, against his lips, his neck…

"Bathroom!" He announced loudly and suddenly from his silent state, causing his friends to pause their conversation and look at him in bewilderment. As if he hadn't been silent enough to just slip off unannounced and then meet them in class. Although that would've been even more out of character, causing even more suspicion.

"Seriously, are y-you alright?" Bill asked.

"Yeah I just…." Just need to be away from Eddie for a second so I can think "just need to piss!"

Eddie scrunched up his face in disgust and kept walking ahead. Bill stayed put though, worry dancing across his face.

"Seriously… I'm fine" Richie forced a grin and flipped him off as he dashed across the hallway towards the closest bathroom.

He ended up five minutes late and gifted a tardy slip from his teacher as a result, and somehow it seemed worth it. Just to be away from his friend for a few more minutes. Normally being away from them would be his worst nightmare, but he just needed to push that unwelcome thought from this morning far away from his mind before he could look any of them in the eye.

He ignored Eddie as he tried to start up their usual silent game of grimaces during English. Causing the other boy to instead look at him with a mix between anger and confusion. It broke his heart, so when it was about half an hour left of class he threw him a crudely scribbled out note to get his attention and when Eddie turned to look at him he shot him the worst possibly look he could muster. It caused Eddie to smile so brightly he thought he might just burn alive from it.

It went back to normal after that. He figured he must have had a very temporary stroke earlier, and was thankful to once again associate Eddie with making pig faces at him in English and no bedroom mannerisms. Richie started to relax and when home economy rolled around he had mostly forgotten about it.

Richie and Eddie were no longer allowed to work together in classes concerning food or dangerous chemicals so Richie worked with Ben and Stan, while Eddie and Bill worked together on the very opposite side of the classroom. So once again their banter was limited to whatever they could manage from a distance. Richie was running out of faces however, having used all his top cards in English. Voices were out of the question since that would just get him in instant trouble with the teacher. So it came down to crude gestures. A delicate balance between executing the move and having impeccable timing, so that the teacher didn't see them. Bill and Ben settled in their roles as head chefs and decided to just let Richie and Eddie stir the cake batter in order to focus their attention on the other. Stan seemed sort of thankful that Richie wasn't very involved in the process of cooking, and mostly just rolled his eyes at the more imaginative movements Richie mustered up.

Richie had just managed a fine one, crowned with hip thrusting and spanking and the lot when it seemed as if Eddie had found his limit.

The boy had stopped stirring, eyes transfixed in a deadpan stare at Richie, causing the latter to grin in triumph. When slowly, Eddie lowered his hand into his mix, ever so slowly pulling out what seemed to be an extended middle finger that was now drenched in the batter. He lifted it up, raising his eyebrows as to truly let the meaning of his gesture sink in, before he put the still extended finger in his mouth to suck it off with a pop.

Richie's mind blanched. Normally he would've questioned if Eddie had simply forgotten last weeks rant about salmonella and raw eggs, that Eddie himself had been so adamant in tormenting them about for hours. Usually he'd tease him about it, but he couldn't manage to form a single coherent thought. All he could think about was that Eddie's finger was in his mouth, and then it wasn't. And Eddie was once again sporting that meaningful look as he presented the now clean middle finger towards him. Richie choked out a repressed sob. Or something that sounded as if someone had choked him right there in class. He noticed too late that he had tipped the bowl over himself in his state of absolute dread and the last thing he remembered was Eddie's absolutely delighted smile before he ran as fast as his tall, gangly legs would carry him. Fuck, he was royally fucking screwed.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I just had the word association myself and thought: Hey that could be a fun fic idea.
> 
> So we'll give this a shot, see where it takes us!
> 
> Bev has moved from Derry so she'll be mentioned but not present at first. It's a plot point. She'll show up.
> 
> Not sure how many parts this will be yet....
> 
> Mostly movie compliant because it was easier to write about sexual education in the 90s than the 60-70s.


	2. Your love

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richie thinks too much and Stan is wise beyond his years.
> 
> [](https://ibb.co/9HnCrWx)

Richie slowly opened his front door and poked his head in first. Just to make sure no parental figure was lurking in the hallway. When it came to inconveniences it was always better to give his mother a verbal heads up before presenting the visual. So filling his lungs up to the brim with air, he used that to power his shout through the house.

"Ma! Remember how you wished I would be sweeter to people?" he said, slowly entering the hall. Toeing off his shoes as he awaited a response.

"Cause I'm covered in cake batter" still no response.

Thinking about it his parents were probably still at work. He had sort of skipped his last period after literally running out of the building, and he hadn't even bothered to check the time. Glancing at the kitchen clock he noted that it was just a quarter past two. 

He entered the laundry room and peeled out of his stained clothes that he then unceremoniously flung in the zink. Ironically he figured he'd have much better use of the knowledge of how to do laundry rather than baking a cake right now. _That's public education for you_, he thought. They never taught you the useful stuff. Like how to clean up your mistakes before your mom noticed, or how to navigate through a sewer system... Although he wasn't sure why that last part would ever be relevant to anyone not taking up a job in sewer maintenance. It was just the first skill he came to think of that school definitely didn't teach you. Anyway, there wasn't any use questioning his train of thoughts. It took him where he needed to go and that's that.

Slipping into an old t-shirt that he'd outgrown long ago, he took the stairs two steps at a time until he got to his bedroom. Catching his reflection in the full body mirror attached to his bedroom door, he noticed that the shirt ended right by his belly button and therefore showed off a bit of skin. It looked ridiculous but he loved the shirt so there were no other options. It was one of those childhood shirts that his mother kept trying to give away to the goodwill but Richie kept grabbing it out of the basket and insisted on wearing it anyway. 

For one, it had spiderman on it and you didn't just throw out spiderman. The other thing was that one time, on a rare occasion that Mrs Kaspbrak had let Eddie stay over when she had to stay overnight at the hospital, Eddie had borrowed the spiderman shirt and slept in it. Richie was going to keep it forever simply because every time he saw it he was reminded of that visual.

And the rule in the Tozier household was that if you didn't wear an item of clothing anymore it had to leave the house.

So Richie wore the shirt, even though it was basically a crop top. Worthy of rivaling Greta Keene's hot pink, bedazzled, _ basically just a bra _, favourite top that she wore at least once every week. At least the spiderman crop top had some style.

He fell down on his comforter and stared at the dirty dancing poster on the wall. The one his friends teased him about having until he started insinuating that Baby just did it for him, then they were just grossed out instead. It was fine, as long as he could look upon the beauty of Swayze without them knowing.

He also had a poster of the lost boys which for a while hung in their clubhouse. But as the gang frequented the hangout less and less the poster had found its way to Richie's room instead. Kiefer Sutherland's smug gaze burning Richie to the core every night. 

It didn't make any sense. Kiefer Sutherland and Patrick Swayze were pure bad guy material. Dark and smugly grinning, of course they turned him on, lit him from both ends until he exploded in lust. They were the actual opposites of his Eds and still... same reaction. He couldn't find a single similarity between them.

Except maybe the intensity in which they cared... the smug smile when they were winning.

If anyone put any loser in a corner Eddie would fight them tooth and nail. 

Then there was that smug smile he'd given Richie as he realized he was winning their game in class earlier.

Maybe Eddie was hot... Of course he was but maybe... Maybe Richie wanted him.

He plucked his pillow from underneath his head and shoved it over his face. Muffling the scream he felt bubbling out in frustration. 

They were supposed to hang out down at the barrens after school. They would want to know why he ran away.

He could come up with some lie sure, but he could also just not turn up.

That was no good though, if he just went radio silence on them they'd come over to nag him about it. Plus he really wanted to see them. 

That just left the issue that he didn't know how to act around Eddie right now. He was buzzing with this sort of pent up frustration and he needed a release, but he had to try and re-separate that feeling from Eddie specifically.

Tracing his fingers over his stomach and slowly circulating the tips over the trail of hair disappearing down his basketball shorts, he figured he should rub one out to the thought of some hot celebrity. That way he'd have it out of his system before meeting up with the other losers. No biggie, he did it all the time, it was no big deal. 

His hand stopped, resting over the hem of the pants. Fingers once again trailing the hairs and lifting the fabric just a little. He slipped the full length of his fingers in before pulling them back again as if scolded. 

This didn't use to be such a big deal, maybe it was just because a few hours ago he'd thought about his best friend in a less than innocent way and some part of him thought that it was somehow correlated to what he was about to do.

He scrunched up his face, braced himself before diving back with his hand. A sharp intake of breath at the contact of cold hands to hot skin. It was just to relax, make it less awkward later. He scrunched his face up harder, trying to think about hot actors. Shirtless, older, _unattainable_. No emotion, vampire Sutherland biting his neck. Just shallow attraction. That one dancing scene where Swayze grinds his hips that particular way Richie liked.

A small whimper left his lips and he relaxed immensely, it was working. 

* * *

God damn it, it _had_ been working. He'd managed to direct his imagination so well until suddenly... It wasn't vampire lips but Eddie's to his neck. What he imagined that soft mustache felt like against his skin instead of his own hair tickling it, and then they were _Eddie's_ hands.

The moment he'd settled in bed again after coming down from his ecstatic high, he'd felt guilt gnawing at his insides. Suffocating and uncomfortable. He'd never truly felt guilty about masturbating before.

There had been a sense of guilt for liking boys for a little while, sometimes he still felt that guilt, but he had never felt it after touching himself. He always knew it was just a natural process of going through puberty. 

Eyes large and panicked he stared up at the ceiling before closing them firmly. He felt bad, tears burning on the inside of his closed eyelids. Throwing himself out of bed he rushed into the shower, in that same bathroom he once learnt how to shave, and leaned on the tiles as he let the water hit him. Clothes still on and all. He felt a sense of panic he hadn't felt since he first realized he was in love with Eddie. Pathetic...

* * *

He had arrived at the barrens before his friends and was picking handfuls of grass when Mike showed up. 

Mike sat down with him, quietly sensing something was off with the other boy.

When Richie still hadn't said anything for a few minutes Mike knew something was wrong.

"You okay Rich, how come you came by yourself?" 

Richie just shrugged and ripped more grass out of the ground.

"Did you and Eddie have a fight again?"

At the mention of the name Richie tensed, a blush creeping up his face. Mike took it as affirmation and nodded along. Richie had to say something, or Mike would get suspicious when Eddie showed up in a good mood and not at all appearing to be in a fight with Richie. 

He sat and tried to find the words when the others arrived. Eddie jumping onto Richie's back with a yell of "where did you run off to, dipshit!?"

Mike's eyebrows knitted in confusion.

"Fight over already?"

His look easily outmatched by Eddie's own look of puzzlement. 

"Fight?" Eddie asked and looked between Mike and Richie. Then his face changed into a look of joyful realization.

"Oh we're not fighting! Richie's just mad he lost a game of crude gestures"

Now Richie had to intervene.

"I didn't lose, I was compromised" but it lacked the usual bite to it.

"Yeah don't worry ab-bout it Mikey... Richie's b-been strange all day" Bill added as he sat down on the other side of Mike. His words may have been saying not to worry about it, but the look he sent Richie afterwards told otherwise.

"Stranger than usual" Stan added on Richie's left and seemed to meet Bill's eye across the line of people. As if they had a silent exchange of opinions of what that meant. 

"No I haven't..." Richie mumbled unconvincingly and was ignored.

He missed Bev, she was exactly the kind of friend he could discuss these sort of sexual issues with, without judgement. He'd disguise it as a girl problem obviously but he'd at least be able to talk about it. He couldn't do that with the boys. Well, maybe Stan...

Stan would know what to say, but Richie also knew Stan would unravel the disguised parts of his statement and he couldn't risk that. Thinking about it his eyes fell onto Stan, sitting on his left, who was looking up among the trees. Possibly because he'd heard some chirp characterized to a certain bird.

Yeah, Stan would read him immediately and either hate him for being disgusting or maybe... Probably, tell him he's being an idiot.

Richie often thought that the Losers would still love him if they knew, but what if they didn't... That doubt scared him silent every time.

Suddenly Stan looked down from the trees and met his eyes. An intense look on his face, as if he knew exactly what Richie was thinking and it made Richie twitch visibly.

"I miss Bev!" Richie exclaimed before Stan could say anything. "Has anyone heard anything from her lately?"

"I called her two weeks ago" Mike said "she seemed surprised"

"Yeah, I felt that too!" Richie said "When I called she seemed to not know who I was at first, but then it was normal again" 

"Yeah, we used to write a lot but lately I'm lucky to g-get a letter once in three months" Bill mumbled and Richie's eyes immediately went to Ben. Even though Ben was seated right next to Bill, the stuttering boy seemed unaware of the uncomfortable and frankly heartbreaking look on the boy's face when told about the correspondence, but he quickly seemed to compose himself.

A sad sort of silence spread between them all. Where no one had anything to say until Ben piped up with a:

"I miss her too"

"Yeah, and she's probably just busy with her new school and stuff..." Eddie said, his breath hit Richie's neck since he still slouched himself over the taller boy's shoulders. Leaning his weight on his back like a monkeyboy. Richie swallowed.

"She's busy making new friends" Stan said quietly and Richie hated the sad look on his face. They all looked absolutely miserable, _he hated it. _

So he stood up quickly, letting Eddie's arms slip of off him and falling to his sides. Standing in front of them Richie turned to face them and flailing his arms in exasperation said:

"She's not gone forever guys! She's just... temporarilly... gone"

The sadness persisted so he started humming slowly before breaking out singing. Pointing dramatically towards Stan.

"_Bev is on a vacation far away, come around and talk it over. So many things that I wanna say_" then he swiftly changed his pointed finger to Eddie's direction and winked as he continued.

"_You know I like my girls a little bit older_" to which Eddie picked up a small rock and threw it to Richie's shin. He mouthed a quick '_ow_' before swinging his hips to the melody in his head.

He'd been told his singing voice had potential. The kind that could flourish with tutoring but he didn't have the time or energy for that.

He was on key at least, if he sang a christmas song around the holidays people would say '_that's nice_' but no one would push him up on a stage or pay to hear him.

What he did have though was performance skills. He'd swing his hips and throw his hair until he saw a smile on each and every one of his friends..

  
  


"_I just wanna use your love tonight_" he realized he'd kept his arm towards Eddie and when their eyes met he almost froze. Realizing the insinuation he'd just made.

In a last minute save he remembered to make a play on it instead and directed his intention towards Ben on the far right. "_I don't wanna lose your love tonight_"

He proceeded to grab at Stan's arms, the one he deemed most at risk of getting down about the idea of losing the losers. The one most at risk not counting himself. He pulled at Stan until he stood and refused to let go of his hands until he was sure the boy would dance on his own. It did the trick and motivated the others to join in until they all danced around singing at the top of their lungs. Richie closed his eyes and listened to their voices mismatching and butchering the song in the most beautiful way. Maybe if they sang loud enough Bev would somehow hear them. 

He felt a hand grab his and looked up to meet the big brown eyes of the hand's owner. Eddie swung their arms together and smiled his '_you're so dumb Richie but you did good_' smile. It was Richie's favourite of Eddie's smiles. Richie's free hand went up to pull through his own messy hair as he responded with a goofy smile of his own. (Which unbeknownst to him was Eddie's favourite.)

"_I don't wanna, I don't wanna, I don't wanna looooose tonight_"

"This is so stupid!" Stan shouted over them but he was smiling widely. Curls falling in his eyes.

They fell back to the grass one after the other, still sort of mumbling the lyrics in between giggles. Eddie was still holding Richie's hand somehow. It felt warm and a little sweaty in his own but he liked it there. Richie's hand fit perfectly sandwiched between Eddie's and the dry grass. 

He tried to convince his fast beating heart that it didn't mean anything more than the strong friendship Eddie felt for them all, and how he'd always been comfortable being close to the other losers. Whether it was huddling together over a comic book or just holding someone's hand, it was just Eddie.

He dared sneak a glance to Eddie while the other's eyes were closed. Head facing the sky. He looked relaxed, it made Richie's stomach turn with guilt.

One after the other they all had to get home. Mike and Eddie were the first to go, having the strictest curfews between the losers. Ben went next, still humming '_your love_' under his breath as he went.

Normally Stan would go next but today Bill had speech lessons to try and rid of his stutter, so he had to leave early too. That just left Richie and Stan alone at the barrens. 

Richie had always been close to Stan, so maybe that was why he suddenly felt brave enough to speak up.

"Hey Stan..." he waited until he had the boy's attention on him.

"Have you ever masturbated to fantasies about someone you know?"

Stan's face contorted so fast from relaxed to scrunched up, it was honestly impressive.

"Jesus Richie! What the fuck?!"

"You don't even believe in Jesus"

"That's how disturbed I am, I momentarily converted" Stan deadpanned and Richie smiled back.

"Sorry... I love it when you say fuck by the way Stanfred. Makes me all tingly"

Stan slapped his arm for it.

"... I suppose I've had dreams like that" Stan said after a little while and shrugged. A little uncomfortable about the topic at hand but otherwise acting normal.

"But never... like awake then?" Richie mumbled and once more started ripping at the grass to keep his hands busy. Stan firmly placed his own hand on the one closest to him to stop it. It startled Richie so much he ended up locking eyes with the other's determined gaze.

"Richie. It's okay" he said, and his eyes seemed to try to convey something important. Richie swallowed.

"How do you deal with that sort of guilt...how do you look them in the eye afterwards"

Stan smiled then and pulled him into a side hug. Almost crushing Richie's face to his chest like an aunt with boundary issues.

"I never thought I'd see the day Trashmouth felt guilt! There's hope for humanity" 

Richie struggled for a second before settling in the embrace as laughter started to conquer over his anguish.

"Why are you making fun of me I'm being serious!" He said in between giggles and then tried to struggle out of the grip once more, this time succeeding. Sitting up straight he corrected his glasses and pushed Stan back once for good measure.

"Because you're being stupid Rich. Some sexual fantasies won't hurt anyone" Stan said. "Sure some people might not want to hear about it so don't tell everyone and you'll be fine"

Feeling a little uncomfortable with Stan being his usual perceptive self, Richie fell into his usual defense mechanism: humour.

"Stanley Uris! What would your father, _the rabi_, say if he heard you encourage my sexual exploits like this?"

"That you're a lost cause anyway." The other responded without missing a beat "My point is, thoughts doesn't hurt. Besides, as far as we know, this person might have the same thoughts about your filthy person for some inexplicable reason..."

Richie let that thought sink in and regretted it immediately. He blushed, then laughed nervously and shook his head.

"Doubt it"

It went silent between them, Richie staring stubbornly at his own shoes and Stan trying to read him.

"Why did you run away today?" He eventually asked.

Richie shrugged.

"Was it... because of these thoughts you're having?"

Richie flinched. If Stan knew that, then he knew it was someone in class. Which meant he was dangerously close to figuring him out.

"Yeah, Greta in that little see-through blouse you know" he said quickly and wiggled his eyebrows.

"Richie..." stan said, giving him the same look Richie's father gave him when he was caught sneaking beers out of the fridge.

Like he was warning him.

Richie pretended not to notice and pretended to grab at some invisible boobs on his own chest for emphasis. Stan just rolled his eyes and stood up.

"Fine. Tell me when you're ready to talk about it" he brushed his pants free of dirt and went to pick up his bike that lay discarded behind them.

"What's that supposed to mean?" Richie turned his head as he moved about.

"I'm late enough as it is Richie, I don't have time to try and pry information out of you that you're clearly not ready to give" and with that he was off. Riding his bike away from Richie shouting his name.

Defeated Richie lay down in the grass and covered his face with both hands and groaned. 

He wished he knew if Stan knew about him or not. It sometimes felt as if he did but the terror of being wrong kept Richie's mouth padlocked. Stan at least suspected something, he was intuitive like that.

Maybe Richie'd just have to accept that he'd always feel this torn up inside. 

As long as Eddie didn't suspect it too he could continue on like this, he decided. If Eddie found out it'd be over. Maybe he'd accept Richie being gay but Eds would definitely not be okay with him staring in Richie's wet dreams. Stan was wrong, Eddie most definitely did not have those sort of thoughts about Richie. Hell, Richie was pretty certain Eds didn't even masturbate. Too unsanitary, good boys didn't do that sort of thing.

He groaned again. Not feeling any better from it he screamed instead. Voice echoing through the barrens. It felt marginally better.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The song is Your love by the Outfield and it's a good song! Give it a listen!


	3. Welcome to Sexual Education

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> First day of Sexual Education is both worse and better than Richie expected.
> 
> [](https://ibb.co/M1ZhBBT)

Water droplets were rolling down his neck from his newly washed hair. It was beginning to leave a stain on the lining of his t-shirt as he made his way to his next class.

Richie wasn't particularly good at sports but he was usually alert enough to avoid getting penalty laps for not putting in an effort. Today however, he was a little bit distracted. Or nervous was a more accurate way of putting it. In a sense he was almost thankful for his penalty laps around the gym. Because that meant everyone had been done showering when it was his turn to join them in the changing rooms, and he cherished not being tempted to look at Eddie. 

He wanted to skip the following lesson.

Entering the classroom it looked suspiciously normal though.

He sat in the back with the other losers when the teacher entered, swiftly locking the door behind her so that any late arrivers would have to suffer the embarrassment of being late. It was Mrs Kitelinger, Richie didn't have her in any other subject but he remembered Stan telling them about her. She was one of two music teachers at the school, and was known as a pretty progressive woman. So maybe they would actually learn something these lessons after all.

He wasn't sure if he was excited or terrified. The subject itself had terrified him from the start, but he had sort of figured the adults wouldn't want to tell them anything of substance anyway. He had counted on it. But now, he wasn't sure how to handle talking about sex in a room with Eddie. Normally Richie loved talking about sex but that was when it was just bullshit.

Mrs Kitelinger dropped a book on the desk in front, grabbing his attention instantly. She proceeded to write on the whiteboard in cursive.

_ Welcome to Sexual Education. _

Richie tried to swallow the lump in his throat.

It turned out he was scared for nothing. The subject seemed pretty mundane. 

Mrs Kitelinger was progressive in her own way. She lived with a man she wasn't married to, her first name was Joanne and she vividly expressed her outrage that they hadn't had sexual education before this. By her opinion they should've been informed years ago as their bodies started going through _ changes _, those were her words. She spoke of her awareness of the probability that they would be having sex, some of them might even already be doing it.

At this comment, several eyes immediately shifted around the room. Both curiously searching for signs, and sending some particular students judging looks. For the first time ever Richie thought how lucky it was Bev had left this shithole of a school. Or she would've been the one at the receiving end of those looks.

"Kids. Unlike some of my peers. I know you're going to have sex whether we like it or not." Mrs Kitelinger said, adjusting her sweater west "but that's why we need to discuss the importance of protective sex"

With a click from the remote control in her manicured hand the projector switched to a new image. From a loving couple in front of a sunset to a disturbing close up of what would have to be a very infected organ. Richie didn’t stop to confirm before turning his head.

Several gagging noises echoed through the room, the loudest being that of Eddie Kaspbrak.

"Hey! A warning might be nice Mrs Kite!" Richie commented loudly, while stubbornly keeping his face away from the projection.

"Life doesn't always give warnings Mr Tozier" she responded and switched to a somewhat less disturbing picture of a pregnant woman.

"But there are several reasons to use protection"

The lesson proceeded in that fashion. Until Mrs Kitelinger opened up for their questions. About what they expected, or _ wanted _ out of this class. Was there anything they wondered about. Richie had things he wanted to ask but couldn't. He was different from the others after all, so he kept quiet about his thoughts on the matter.

"Isn't it true that it feels better without condoms?" Someone asked, Richie didn't really listen. By the rate he was going he was going to stay a virgin for life so it didn't feel relevant to him.

"Some say that, but it's not worth risking a pregnancy guys"

"_ Lucky fags then _"

The room fell uncomfortably silent. The air felt suffocating. Richie wasn't sure if it was the malice the words were said or how the colour drained from their teachers face at the mention of _ them _. But Richie felt more invisible as a gay man in that instance, than he did not being mentioned at all. He had rather they had ignored the existence of gay people all together than look directly at the most progressive teacher in school, and see her look so uncomfortable. Because she was uncomfortable, as if she too wanted to pretend gays didn't exist at all.

  
  


"Well… they shouldn't…" she trailed of, not wanting to finish her thought. Richie wondered if he might vomit.

"And there are diseases. Even more with those people" her tone faltered. "Let's move on to the next question, who-"

"What do you mean _ those people _?" Eddie had raised his hand but instead of waiting to be called on had decided to speak out of turn.

"What?" Mrs Kitelinger pulled at her vest again, in lack of other things to do.

"They're people too you know"

Richie barely registered that there was an outburst from several people in the room. Their teacher trying desperately to calm the class, while simultaneously reprimanding the slurs making their second round that hour. Apparently twice slurred was too much for her.

Richie didn't care, his eyes were on Eddie. It didn't matter that Eddie didn't know Richie was one of those people he just defended, he felt seen.

* * *

They were let out early, that wasn't very promising for their first Sex ed class, and yet Richie had expected worse.

"That was nice Eddie… but stupid" Stan said the minute they were alone. Addressing the fact he had just put a target on his back from the school bullies.

"I just… hate the way she spoke about it"

Richie wanted to say something, show him how thankful he was, but there was no way of doing that without outing himself. He supposed this meant they would be okay with it, he could feel his brain pushing the words out but they stuck to his tounge like a weight on it. 

"I d-didn't know you cared about that" Bill said and smiled his special concerned smile. Where his lips were curved upwards but his eyebrows knitted, looking serious. 

"Well… remember my mom's friend who got aids from a cut on the subway?" Eddie said "he… didn't actually"

Eddie had stopped in his tracks so naturally they all stopped with him.

"She told me a while ago that… he was gay"

Richie who had stood on the outskirts of his group of friends suddenly pushed his way through them to get to Eddie.

"Hold up, are you telling me Mrs K, _ our _ Mrs K, had a gay friend?"

Eddie scrunched up his face and nodded suspiciously, like he was expecting Richie to say something insensitive any minute. Or make a sexual joke at his mom’s expanse. Richie felt as if he should, for normalcy, but he had nothing.

"Did she know?"

"Yes!" Eddie bit out, looking offended.

"I know you don't particularly like her but she's not homophobic"

At this the whole group of friends looked surprised, making Eddie even more agitated.

"I mean okay, it's like… she's okay with gay people but if I had been one she wouldn't be thrilled… you know"

Richie tried not to be disappointed, but it felt as if whatever small hope he had for his feelings to be reciprocated died with that _ if. If he'd been gay. _

"Isn't that just as bad… being okay with gay people as long as it's not in her family?" Ben suddenly asked, after having stood quietly to the side. Ben usually kept out of the parent discourse so it was only natural for them all to turn and stare at him.

"No!" Eddie shrieked "she's just scared"

God, Richie wanted them to stop talking about this. He felt another urge to just tell them but that weight still lay firmly on his tongue.

"Scared of what?" 

"THE AID- the aids… she'd be scared I'd get sick if I was gay…" Eddie started of half screeching, before lowering his voice as he realizing they were still in school.

"I don't know Eddie…" Stan tried to intervene but Eddie kept going.

"The point is! My mom's friend… he was always really nice to me" he said, talking fast and with his hands "so… I hate hearing people talking like that"

"Yeah… me to" Stan said, the others nodding in agreement.

Sometimes Richie felt overwhelmed with how much he loved his friends.

* * *

There was a confused chain of imaginative swears coming from the laundry room. Before his mother rushed out holding Richie's discarded clothes from the other day. He had managed to forget about them, in retrospect he probably should've mentioned it.

Richie was sitting in an armchair, feet up on the table in front of him. He glanced up from his gameboy before turning his eyes back to his game of tetris. His mother stared at him.

"What is this?" She asked

"Cake batter"

She awaited a clarification but just sighed audibly when none came and went back into the laundry room with the pile.

"What did you think it was, elephant jizz?" He shouted after her. His father who sat on the couch next to his chair struggled to hold back a laugh from behind his newspaper.

"Son. Don't poke the bear" he said, meaning Richie should be happy she'd went back to doing the laundry rather than keep questioning her son about the suspicious stains. He supposed that was true. 

Having really thick hair it was still somewhat damp from gym and he was pretty sure he was leaving stains on the fabric behind him. Realizing this he reluctantly shut off his gameboy and placed it to the side. He entered the kitchen were a pot of soup stood boiling. That being noted he took out the large soup bowls and spoons and proceeded to set the table. 

Richie might not have been the best son, and Maggie and Wentworth might not have been the best parents, but they had a nice symbiosis going between them. Richie knew when to help out without being asked, especially if he had done something to inconvenience the others.

After dinner he even helped with the dishes, earning him a kiss to the forehead which he wiped off like a son should, but grinned at his mother so she knew he didn't really mean it. Then he sauntered up the stairs to spend the rest of the night alone in his room as he always did. 

He didn't hate his parents, he was vaguely aware that his mother didn't understand him. Sometimes it hurt her that she didn't have the child that she dreamt of, the one she could bond with. Sometimes it hurt Richie that she felt that way. Maybe they could discuss boys if he told her… or maybe that would drive the wedge deeper between them.

He sat down at his desk and started his gameboy again. It had a sticker on the back that Eddie had put there because the grey square had looked so boring in contrast to Richie's colorful wardrobe. It was a rainbow coloured apple that looked as if someone had taken a bite out of it. Eddie had gotten it from some vendor at the mall. Richie didn't remember what it was for but he loved it. It was like a discrete, publicly accepted rainbow. Like a secret gay icon that only he knew about.

Thinking back to the day he'd had at school he thought about coming out again. He felt a little bad not having told them. Maybe it had been the perfect moment, maybe it would never come around again.

Or maybe there were no perfect moments to come out to your friends. Maybe it was like a bandaid, you either had to pull it off or wait until it got all soggy and smelly and fell of on its own. Neither seemed appealing in that comparison.

He stared at the little greenish screen that said new high score, but didn't feel that excited about it. And then there was screaming.

“**He did ** ** _what_ ** **?!** ” his mother’s voice sounded through the house before collecting itself into her usual professional parental voice. Her phone voice, her _ on the phone with school _ voice. Shit. 

It was confusing in a way, a few years ago the adults around them didn't seem to bat an eye. No matter what they were up to. Gradually their reaction time got faster and faster. Like a sleeping limb, slowly getting back its movements. Richie hadn't kept up. One day he was 13 and could be out til midnight without consequence, and then one day there _ were _ consequences. Richie still did things impulsively, as if no one cared. 

He scrambled to the floor and started shoving discarded items into the nearest wardrobe. He tidied up his desk so that you could actually see the desk surface underneath all his stuff. That’s all he managed before the door to his room shot open, his mother clearly done with her call.

“You _ left _school yesterday, what, you thought I wouldn’t find out?”

“I felt sick!”

“You weren’t sick, you were with your friends all afternoon!” she scolded and went to grab his gameboy from his hands.

“No games. For a week…” she said

“I can't handle all this mess Richie! Sullied clothes, skipping school!" she visibly calmed down as she seemed to think hard of something "Is this why you helped set the table?”

“No” he lied.

Suddenly he could see a small smile try to break through her angry facade as she looked around the somewhat tidied room. 

“No games…” she repeated “for two days”

He looked up from where he’d been staring at the floor, surprised.

“But you have curfew for four days. You can’t hang out with those friends of yours after school, no arcade.” she kept putting up fingers as she spoke and Richie feared she’d go through all ten but she stopped there.

“But only for four days?” Richie said, hopeful.

She nodded, allowing a small smile to form.

“Only for four days…_ if you behave”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> When you're young, the scariest part about IT is the monster.
> 
> When you're an adult, the scariest part is the adults indifference because of the monster's influence.


	4. Mr Pink

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The losers consider going to the movies without the grounded Richie.  
Outrageous, so naturally he sneaks out to join them.
> 
> [](https://ibb.co/zSr086P)

"Eating bread in the bath is contra productive" Richie said matter of factly, none of the other losers so much as stirred in their seats. Except for Stan who had looked up from his book on birds against his better judgment, and was now stuck staring incredulously at Richie. 

"Because then the crumbs will fall in and it won't be a clean bath anymore" 

Stan just gave one of his trademark rolls of his eyes and went back to his book.

Pretending as if nothing had been said Bill put down his newspaper that he had opened to the cinema section and exclaimed:

"So I've n-narrowed it down to Batman Returns or Reservoir dogs. What do you say?"

Richie's head snapped to attention.

"I heard good things about Reservoir dogs but Batman is a safer bet…" Mike said.

"Hey, no!" Richie objected "You can't watch Batman without me!"

"It's not our fault you got yourself grounded Rich" Bill said while he circled the movies timetables with a ballpoint pen. So that they would find them easier later.

Richie just looked at Bill as if he had stabbed him.

"Maybe we should just watch Reservoir dogs then… save Batman to when Richie can join" Eddie said, and Richie wouldn't be able to stop the look of fondness on his face even if he had tried to. Eddie was _ his _ dark knight, Richie was so lucky to have him. Except…

"But I want to see Reservoir dogs too" Richie whined and slumped his head down on his arms, rested on the picnic table below him.

"Don't be fucking greedy" Eddie said and smacked him over the head. 

"Okay so Reservoir dogs it is then" Bill said conclusively and drew in one of the circles some more. Probably the one circling Reservoir dogs.

They all agreed, except for Richie who kept whining in protest but was ignored. Richie absolutely hated being grounded.

He dragged his feet all the way home, trying to tune out the sound of the others making plans to meet down at the Capitol later that evening. They were walking their bikes since Ben's was in the shops. So they all walked out of solidarity, which made this social hell a longer ordeal than it had to be.

Eventually Richie dragged so far behind he was walking alone at the end, and Eddie noticed. Distancing himself from the conversation and slowing down until he walked next to Richie.

"You okay?" His eyes so big, so warm in the last bit of afternoon sunlight. Richie's heart ached.

"No" he said, because what was the point in lying.

"You guys are going to the Capitol without me and I hate it" he said and Eddie smiled, but seemed to be avoiding looking directly at Richie's face.

"Yeah, i figured you were sulking about that" Eddie said, stubbornly looking at his own hands clutching at the handles on his bike.

"It sucks" Richie said.

"You could…" Eddie started saying but stopped.

"Could what?" Richie stopped walking, forcing Eddie to stop as well.

"I don't know, sneak out or something"

Richie pondered this and then quirked an eyebrow doubtfully.

"In Derry? Anyone of these old crusters could spot me and tell my mom. Everyone knows I'm grounded" 

That was just one of the downsides of small towns, if Richie was seen outside of his home past his curfew, his mom would know.

"People don't care that much about you" Eddie said and seemed to regret his choice of words immediately, based on the look of horror on his face. Which Richie had to play into.

"You wound me Eds" he said, but couldn't help the smile on his face.

"I just mean… we'll be discreet"

There was a pause where all they seemed to be doing was look at each other. Eddie's eyes pleading with him to accept the challenge. A wind picked up and pulled Richie's curls into his face which cut his vision from Eddie's. Which made them laugh. He wasn't sure why, maybe because the moment was too tense and that he had to laugh to escape it.

"It won't be the same without you there" Eddie said, hands picking idly on some pieces of rubber that was coming off the cracked handles on his bike. 

Yeah, Richie had to make it to the theatre, he had to.

* * *

He hadn't done this in years. His body was taller, ganglier, harder to fit through the window but he managed. The only mistake being when he miscalculated his last steps to the ground, and he fell face first into the bushes. 

He could hear Eddie snicker where he stood waiting by the side of the road. Eddie then proceeded to try and shush himself while still giggling into his hand as Richie stumbled over to him.

He was holding out a salmon coloured hoodie towards Richie and Richie took it obediently but with a questioning look.

"In case someone sees us, they won't know which loser you are while wearing this"

"You want to E.T me?" Richie asked but proceeded to get into the hoodie nonetheless. It smelled like Eddie after all so he wasn't about to complain.

"It's too small" he said instead, arms and midsection sticking out a little.

"It's just for a while" Eddie said, straddling his bike and gesturing for Richie to get on the back, which he did. Gripping onto the warmth of Eddie's midsection, he leaned his head against the others back and tried his best to not throw off the balance while they rode through the town.

On one hand it was terribly uncomfortable on the hard bike rack. On the other, Richie wanted to stay there forever. Bodies pressed together, Eddie's scent overwhelmingly everywhere.

They arrived at the theatre the exact moment when Richie's groin had reached its limit, but not long enough for him to want to let go of his embrace. In retrospect he might have held on too long. His arms lingering suspiciously long around Eddie when they had already come to a stop. Long enough for Eddie to place his own hand over Richie's to try and pry him loose.

Slightly embarrassed Richie went ahead into the Capitol while Eddie locked his bike outside. He found the other losers at the Arcade section. Hoodie still up, and keeping his head down in case anyone would spot him, he beelined over to them.

"Hey losers!" He hissed, and they all looked up in mixed surprise and joy at seeing him there.

"Nice sweater" Mike teased, Richie flipped him off.

"You look like a dumbass" Stan added, granting him Richie's other finger.

"I think you look more suspicious than if you'd just come as you were" Ben said, probably just meaning well but it still awarded him both of Richie's fingers directed his way.

"Hey guys!" Eddie joined them just at Bill was about to add his two cents to the mix.

Which was probably good since no one wanted to see what the next step in the _ 'flipped bird' _ series would've been.

They made it into the theatre before Richie pulled down the hood of the shirt. He kept on wearing it though, claiming it was too cold inside the theatre. Blatant lie of course but he was quite happy being engulfed in Eddie a little longer. 

Eddie's scent in his nose, being painfully aware of the light press of Eddie's arm against his. Just the faint acknowledgment that he was there beside him in the dark. 

Ever so often Eddie would lean closer, that press getting harder against Richie as Eddie aligned his mouth to Richie's ear, to comment or joke about the movie before them. His breath ghosting over Richie's skin. 

Sometimes Richie forgot to pay attention to the movie at all, in favour of focusing on the way Eddie's hands kept almost touching his own. Hyperfocused on controlling his breathing, steady and electric in the darkness. No one would notice if Richie held Eddie's hand there. 

When they were younger that's an impulse Richie would've gladly acted upon without a second thought. Even now, Eddie would write it off as Richie just being his usual affectionate self. He could do it, just grab his hand and hold it. 

Feeling brave where no one could see his face, he started with his pinky gracing Eddie's. He stopped there and waited for Eddie to flinch and pull away. It didn't happen. Instead Eddie leaned closer, entwining their arms over the seats as he rested his body against Richie's. Richie's breath hitched, not certain on what it meant. 

Rejecting the urge to turn and look at Eddie he kept his head towards the screen, without really seeing anything. He was too aware of how Eddie moved in his peripheral vision. Eddie's head leaned closer again. Richie could feel the tip of his nose gracing Richie's cheekbone for a second as Eddie seemed to have misjudged the distance in the dark room. 

Buzzing with adrenalin Richie was about to throw all caution to the wind. The tension in his stomach building and urging him to just kiss him already. But before he could act on it, Eddie immediately went back to whispering about the movie. 

Yes, of course. That's why he leaned in. Richie just smiled and listened. Thankful he hadn't done something drastic and ruined everything. 

The movie went on, Richie still focusing more on the press of Eddie's body rather than the plot.

So when the other losers asked him what he thought of it he had nothing to say except generic stuff. 

Eddie didn't seem that into discussing it in depth either. So once more the two of them drifted after the other losers on the way home. 

"I can't follow you back home, mom will flip if I get home past curfew" Eddie mumbled after he and Richie had been walking in silence behind the others for a while. Tuning out their friends excited chatter about the movie.

"I wouldn't dream of getting you grounded too Eds, don't worry about it"

"Maybe Stan can give you a ride the last bit" Eddie still hadn't looked up from the gravely path. Richie dipped his head down into an upside down angle trying to catch his eye.

"I can walk Eddie" 

Eddie smiled and finally looked up to meet his eyes. 

"Sure… but Stan's going the same direction anyway"

That was true, it kind of made Richie wonder why Stan hadn't been the one to pick him up as well. Possibly because Stan would just refuse, saying Richie could walk there himself.

"You can keep the shirt on, just give it back to me at school"

Right, he was still wearing Eddie's hoodie to be incognito. Not that it did much good when he had forgotten to pull up the hood itself. He'd honestly forgotten he was wearing it, it had started to feel second nature to him.

"Right… I can wash it first if you like"

"No!" Eddie replied quickly "I mean, I don't trust you with a washing machine, you'll probably shrink it" 

Probably true, Richie nodded.

"Okay sure"

They split paths a few steps ahead. Stan and Richie going to the right while the others kept walking ahead. Stan did not permit Richie to ride behind him on his bike however, claiming it a safety hazard. So they kept walking.

"You know what's ironic?" Stan eventually said, after their argument over traffic rules and how many people belonged on a bike had gotten them nowhere.

"You made such a big deal over missing out on the movies, and then you didn't even pay attention to it"

Richie felt his insides freeze.

"I paid attention!" He argued.

"Oh yeah, what was the alias of Buscemi's character?"

There was an awkward silence where Richie couldn't even manage a guess. He remembered Steve Buscemi's furrowed brow but no dialog came to mind.

"See! That was exactly the kind of scene you would've laughed your ass off at" Stan said pointedly as he suddenly stopped walking. It took Richie a little too long to realize it was because they had reached his home. That also explained why Stan had lowered his voice.

"And then you would've insisted on appointing colours to all the losers, and you _ haven't _!"

That did sound like something he would latch on to. Damn it, now he needed to see the movie again and pay attention so that he could actually assign them all colour aliases. That sounded like fun!

"Okay, so i was a bit worried about one of mom's friends catching me out" Richie said shrugging, opting for casual indifference.

"At a Tarantino film?" 

"Well, it stressed me out, okay!" He instantly regretted raising his voice.

There was a pregnant pause as they waited for a reaction from within the Tozier household. There was none.

Suddenly Stan looked sad.

"You know you can talk to me, right?" He said, placing a hand on Richie's shoulder and squeezed "about anything"

Richie's insides felt tight. Overwhelmed by the love he felt for his friend, and the anguish over not being able to be honest with him.

"Yeah" he said, not really believing it himself.

Stan just nodded, whether he believed Richie or not, and mounted his bike. 

Then there was just Richie, alone in the dark pondering how the hell he was gonna get back into his room undetected. As if getting out hadn't been hard enough! He sighted and started climbing, putting most of his focus on not getting the hoodie stuck on anything, as to not rip it.

Finally, falling into bed he pulled the shirt hem over his nose and inhaled. After a whole night of trashmouth contamination it still smelled like Eddie, that was good.

Overcome with how tired he suddenly felt he fell asleep just like that. Feeling safe and warm.

* * *

Thursday morning Eddie had shaved, his face as clean as the day they met, save for a pimple or two. In a way Richie liked Eddie clean shaved, but there was still a part of him that felt sad about not having been able to test out that kiss while he had the facial hair.

Not that kissing Eddie would happen either way, but the loss of the possibility still stung.

What stung even worse was finding out that the one who had taught Eddie how to shave was Bill.

Richie had lost the opportunity to teach Eddie how to shave, to Bill! It felt like a punch in the face.

"Hey! Remember that time you punched me in the face?" He asked as they were walking to their lockers.

Bill looked confused.

"When did I ever do that?"

"We were twelve or thirteen" Richie said, trying to remember why exactly the punch had occurred, but he distinctly remembered it happening.

"You probably deserved it" Stan said in a deadpan voice, to which Richie feigned hurt. Clutched dramatically at his fake pearls and complained about it loudly in his southern belle voice. He almost forgot why he brought it up in the first place.

"The point is, that _ this _" he gestured between Bill and Eddie "You two having private shaving sessions without me, hurts even more!"

"Why? What does it m-matter?" Bill asked looking as if he was going to get defensive.

"It's a right of passage, and I missed it!" 

The other losers looked at him as if he had grown an extra head.

"It's not as if Eddie was p-p-p… as if Eddie was present when I learnt to shave. It's not that big of a deal" Bill said as he put his textbooks back in his locker in a huff.

Richie disagreed, it was intimate. Being that close to Eddie's face, the trust it would take for Eddie to allow the razor to his skin. Of course Eddie trusted Bill like that and not Richie. It was stupid how much it hurt him.

"I miss Bev, she would've understood my peril!" Once more he got that look as if they thought him insane.

"_ Bev _would understand the meaning of shaving between men?"

"Yes!" Richie's arms flew out in exasperation, hitting Ben in the face. He was going to apologize but Stan distracted him by pulling out his gym bag in front of him.

"Shit! We have P.E. today!" He slapped himself in the face, momentarily forgetting he wore glasses which resulted in him almost knocking them off.

"You forgot?" Ben asked and Richie could immediately tell the reason the boy started looking through his own bag was to search it for a spare set of clothes. 

"It's fine! Who wants to skip the rest of the day with me?" He said instead of waiting for the result of said search, and was met with more stares.

"Honestly, you were _ just _ grounded" Stan said at the same time as Bill asked:

"And miss the lesson on female reproduction later? I thought you of all people were looking forward to that"

Ignoring Stan's boring but very truthful comment, he focused on Bill.

"Why would I need that?" he said without thinking. Once more he felt his insides numb as if he'd put them on ice. 

"I mean I'm already the expert, just ask Eddie's mom" he added swiftly and held his hand up towards Stan for a high five he knew he wasn't getting.

Ben helpfully just placed his own hand on Richie's wrist and lowered it. No one wanted to relive the summer incident of 91, where Richie had kept his hand up in Stan's face for a full hour.

"You could just borrow my hoodie again" Eddie said, successfully breaking the tension. Surprisingly not commenting on the mom joke. 

He rummaged through his own bag, pulling out the salmon shirt Richie had just returned to him this morning.

"I'll get sweat all over it" Richie said.

Eddie just shrugged which seemed off. Normally bodily fluids were like… Eddie's kryptonite.

"I can wash it. It's fine, just give it back after gym" Eddie mumbled, still holding out the shirt.

Richie looked at it for a bit longer, before accepting. He supposed it beat getting grounded again, he was pretty sure he wouldn't get away with such a mild punishment the second time around. 

It still felt off though. 

He wasn't about to look a gift horse in the mouth, but Eddie was absolutely acting weird about this.

He did participate in P.E. Trying not to think too much about the hoodie he was wearing together with Bill's spare shorts. Afterwards he gave the items back to his friends, who both accepted them with no complaints. If anything Bill had more to say about it than Eddie, which was all kinds of strange but Richie wasn't about to ask.

If Eddie cared more about Richie's education than he did of someone else sweating in his clothes, then Richie should just be thankful, right?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> The losers just takes turns to lower Richie's hand.  
Ben is the only one nice about it.
> 
> And checking movie timetables in the papers was my childhood. writing this reminded me of it, I can't believe I had forgotten about it!


	5. Protect me from what I want

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> There's a lot of mentioning of condoms in this chapter but I mean... this fic is called Sex Ed.  
Basically, they do the classic "how to put on a condom" lesson and Eddie reveals something surprising.
> 
> [](https://ibb.co/4J7wGbG)

They should've all seen it coming. By the rate their classes were going and Mrs Kitelinger constantly pestering them about the importance of safe sex it shouldn't have come as a surprise when the task was presented to them.

However standing in front of their individual bananas, all the kids - even the ones claiming experience, looked uncomfortable and caught of guard.

"You need to know how to use these" Mrs Kitelinger said holding up her own wrapped condom high above her head for them all to see.

"Maybe not today, maybe not in the near future, but some day"

She proceeded to open the packet and slip the condom over the banana on her desk. All the while vocalizing instructions on what she was doing, but it all happened so fast Richie couldn't keep up.

Then it was their separate turns and Richie had never felt so intimidated by a square of plastic, he wasn't even sure how to open it without poking a hole in the thing. Mrs Kitelinger told them never to use their teeth which seriously undermined everything Richie had learnt from pornos.

Richie looked up at his friends who met his eyes with equal amounts of terror and confusion, all except one of them.

And then the most extraordinary string of events came to pass.

There was an awkward atmosphere in the room as several of their peers had started attempting to get the condom on the fruit. There was giggling from around them but in the loser's little corner of the classroom it was tensely quiet. 

As the losers looked to Richie for guidance he felt immense panic at the unfamiliarity of the item in his hand. To be honest he had never even seen one before and here his friends turned to him as an expert on the matter. He would have to reveal his hand. Tell them it was all just a defense mechanism to cover up the fact that he was terribly inexperienced. That he didn't even like to look at women nevertheless touch them in that way. Ben and Stan waiting for him to make a move, show them how. Bill was more subtle in his expectancy but even he seemed to wait for Richie to shower them with his sexual knowledge. 

Eddie however, did not look like a stranger to the object at all. Just as swiftly, if not even with more grace than Mrs Kitelinger, he opened the packet in one try and slipped it over the banana like it was second nature.

Richie would've been thankful for the shift in attention, if he hadn't been so extremely baffled by it. His bulging eyes guided the other losers to the protected banana in front of Eddie and suddenly they were all staring at it. Including Eddie who seemed to use it as an excuse to not make eye contact.

"Wow Eddie" Bill eventually broke the deafening silence, not a hint of a stutter to his words, causing the other boys to stir to life as well.

"How'd you know how to do that?" Ben asked in honest wonder.

Richie didn't say anything, he just stared in bewilderment.

"I… I've done it before" Eddie said, looking uncomfortable under the attention. 

"Eddie, you've had  _ sex? _ " Stan hissed, succeeding in sounding both outraged and curious at the same time. Richie could feel his heart cramping in his chest and his mouth felt unnaturally dry. He couldn't form a single sentence.

Eddie was blushing a fierce shade of crimson and his eyes were flicking between his friends and the cursed item in front of them.

"No… no it's not that. I haven't" he said, Richie immediately felt nauseous with how relieved he felt. Though it still left a lot of stuff unanswered and he was honestly scared to know.

"Then what do you mean you've…" Ben didn't have to finish his sentence, of course there was a probability that Eddie had specifically put condoms on a phallic shaped fruit before, but then there were the other option. That he had…

" _ I use them when masturbating okay _ " Eddie whispered harshly before anyone could say anything, successfully reading their expressions and seemed to know what they were thinking already.

"It's just cleaner, alright! So it doesn't get messy" he hissed, looking straight at Richie now. As if he dared him to make a joke at his expense. Although he seemed equally expectant as he seemed worried about it. He was expecting Richie to make a joke about it. They all were.

They needed Richie to lift the tension with his crude remark, to make it less real, but Richie had nothing. It dawned on him that he needed to say something, he'd been quiet too long. So with no time to think he blurted out the first thing that came to mind.

"You masturbate?" 

It terrified him how sincere it came out, and it seemed to chock Eddie as well because he blushed again. Looking down at his feet.

He whispered again, something that sounded affirmative in nature. 

"To what?" Richie asked, because apparently he was in a hole and he was determined to keep digging himself deeper. 

Eddie stared at him now, eyes big and terrified.

"You can't ask me that!" He shouted, finally shifting his terror into anger. His face still scorching red sending a deep blush to Richie's own cheeks. At least him being angry at Richie for being an idiot gave a sense of normalcy.

"Yeah, no right… sorry" he forced a grin and tried opening the packet but only managed to rip off small pieces of the corners. His fingers twiddling nervously around the item until Eddie ripped it from his grip and opened it for him.

Eventually they all had managed to put their condoms on the fruits and agreed to never talk about it again.

* * *

That didn't mean he couldn't think about it though. And oh, did he think about it. Bordering on obsessing over it.

Maybe it was only natural in relation to his newfound Eddie-sexual awakening, that he was curious about it.  _ That _ , together with the fact Richie had been stoneset certain that Eddie found the act itself disgusting. The revelation that Eddie was fine with it and actually… took part in it, was world altering.

So that Richie was curious, and thinking about it, was to expect.

It did not however explain why he was standing outside Eddie's house. Why he had mounted his bike and rode over there. Why he had climbed up and knocked at his window.

Richie had no answer, except that he just wanted to.

And for some inexplicable reason Eddie let him in, even though they hadn't done this dance in years.

"Why are you here?" Eddie asked while watching Richie climb inside. Through a window he remembered being bigger than this.

"What? I just wanted to hang out" Richie answered, which Eddie seemed to accept as a good enough response. Because he shrugged and sat back down on his bed.

"Just keep it down. If mom finds you she'll flip" 

Richie sat down on the chair by Eddie's desk.

"Yeah, let's avoid that. I Like the worlds orbit as it is, thank you" Richie said and grinned as he awaited a response.

"Richie…" Eddie's voice hardened as he stared down into the comic book he had picked up.

"You know, because the sheer force of her flipping might impact it…"

" _ Richie"  _ now Eddie was staring right at him, eyes warning him to continue his sentence. Little did he know, that was exactly what Richie wanted, his full attention.

"Because she's fat" Richie added against his better judgment.

Eddie stood up and pointed angrily towards the window.

"Do you want to leave?" He said, eyes burning. It sent a chill down Richie's spine and he bit back a smile.

"Sorry,  _ sorry"  _ Richie couldn't help the grin forming on his lips as Eddie threw himself back down on the bed. The other boy went back to his comic book, then stopped again. Frowning he lowered it and glanced back at Richie.

"Why are you sitting over there?"

It felt like a bucket of ice.

"Eh…" for once Richie had no words. He couldn't lay next to Eddie on the bed, but then again he always used to. And without any means to explain his distance he had no choice but to get up and walk over and join Eddie.

He realised as soon as his butt hit the mattress that he should've said he was a little sick or something. Yeah, that would've been the perfect excuse to keep a distance. Eddie would've eaten it up. 

Unless he'd have kicked him out for it, to not get germs in his room...

"Richie, where the fuck are you?"

Richie snapped to attention and shrugged, figuring Eddie meant mentally. He had no answer.

"Tired" he said and lay down next to the other boy. He felt the mattress shift as Eddie rolled onto his side to look at him.

"You're thinking too hard about something" Eddie said,  _ cursed how well they knew each other. _ Maybe there was no use lying.

"Where the hell did you get a condom?" It slipped out before Richie could stop and consider it. 

Eddie turned beet red again and swiftly turned his back to Richie.

"We swore never to talk about it" he mumbled into his pillow, forcing Richie to sit up and lean over to even hear what he was saying.

Richie grabbed the other boys shoulder, trying to pry him back over to his side of the bed. Eddie refused. Seemingly both angry and mortified at the subject at hand.

"Come on! Just tell me. Tell me, please" Richie proceeded to shake the other boy until Eddie conceded and lay on his back instead. Staring begrudgingly up at Richie who still had his hand resting on Eddie's shoulder.

"It's not even a big deal" Eddie muttered.

"Then tell me"

It was tense for a moment, Eddie looking up at Richie. Richie trying hard not to rub little circles on Eddie's shoulder with his fingers and failing.

"Fine" Eddie said and sat up, letting Richie's hand slip of him in the process. Richie did not let his hand follow the movement even though he wanted to.

"I was thirteen and went to the pharmacy to get my meds…" Eddie began. Fiddling his thumbs together over his bent knees.

"And Mr Keene said… since I was  _ that age,  _ it was probably time I… got one"

"Mr Keene gave you a condom?" Richie asked genuinely baffled. 

" _ Yes _ " Eddie spit out a little venomously "I guess he figured mom wouldn't talk to me about it so-"

"Did he give you the talk too?" Richie piped in.

" _ Shut up _ ! Anyway… I've been buying a pack every time mom sends me to buy meds"

"Every time?! Shit, at what rate are you using these things Eds?" Richie huffed in amusement and slung an arm around Eddie's shoulders, who in turn blushed even fiercer and hugged his own legs but didn't try to get away from the embrace.

"She doesn't send me there that often anymore!" Eddie argued.

"Yeah? Why do you even buy the meds anymore?" Richie let his hand slide down to rest at the end of Eddie's back and caught Eddie's eyes with his. Feeling the look he was giving off morphing from amused to concerned in a heartbeat.

"I don't… she just thinks I do. I buy condoms instead… and vitamins" 

And just as quickly the concern morphed back into amusement as Richie started laughing. He laughed so hard he had to kneel over and grasp at his stomach. Eddie started hitting him to get him to stop but he just couldn't.

"Vitamins are just good for you Richie!" Eddie shrieked, apparently not worried about his mom hearing them anymore. If they were lucky she had gone lights out in front of the tv and would sleep until dawn.

"That's-" he couldn't go on, he was laughing so hard "that's not the funny part Eds!"

"Shut up!" This time Eddie almost hit Richie's glasses of. It wasn't hard punches, just the kind that meant he was annoyed at you but didn't deliberately want to hurt you. 

" _ Where _ " Richie wheezed "where do you keep them?"

He had started to crawl towards the bedside table where he suspected they would be. And judging by the determination with which Eddie wrapped himself over Richie's body to keep him away from it, Richie was spot on. They wrestled and struggled for a few seconds, Richie going for the table and Eddie trying to hold him back. In the end Richie's longer limbs prevailed as he managed to reach the drawer, even though Eddie sat on him to keep him in place. When Richie's hand resurfaced with the packet in hand Eddie gave up his struggle to keep Richie away in favour of trying to snatch it back. Richie didn't struggle this time and let Eddie take it. He clutched it to his chest like it was something that needed safeguarding. 

They were both breathing hard, Eddie looking embarrassed and Richie smiling stupidly.

"Why are you like this?" Eddie said, glaring at Richie.

"Sorry…" Richie said, still smiling though.

He looked at the little carton in Eddie's hands, his flushed cheeks, and for some inexplicable reason Richie wanted part of whatever little sacred importance that carton signified.

"Can I have one?" He wasn't sure why he asked, why he wanted one, but he did.

Eddie's brown eyes snapped up to him, his breathing still a little laboured even though they weren't struggling anymore.

"Why?" He asked, curious.

"...I don't know… to try it out" 

Eddie swallowed visibly, his adam's apple bobbing in his throat. He threw Richie the packet and stood up from the bed.

"Sure" then he went and sat down at the chair by the desk. "I need to look over my homework but if you want to stay we can play mario kart later"

Richie just nodded.

"Uh yeah… I'll just read meanwhiles" he said and picked up the nearest comic without checking which one. It didn't exactly feel like normal between them, but eyeing the condom in his hand he knew he only had himself to blame for it.

Richie always knew he was weird, but he never thought he'd be weird enough to ward of even the losers. But the way Eddie had moved away from him...He felt like such an anomaly.

Something was wedging itself between them and he was pretty sure it was his fault, and he couldn't stop it. And it scared him.


	6. Monophobia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Monophobia is the fear of being alone, and Richie fears that more than anything.
> 
> [](https://ibb.co/gm0s4Pq)

Richie, Bill and Eddie were waiting for the others by the quarry. It was too cold to go for a swim but they still liked hanging out there, even though the high altitude and the brisk autumn winds didn't add up. It didn't matter, they felt safe there, always had somehow.

Or maybe that was because they weren't ever alone there.

Richie hated being alone more than anything. 

Sometimes it worried him that they would all leave him one after the other, just like Bev had. That he'd stay this obnoxious flurry of limbs and words and they would get sick of him, leave him all alone in fucking Derry. The only loser left.

He looked intensely at the other two until Bill turned his head and met his gaze. Richie quickly added a grin to his somber face.

"Hey Bill! What was your first kiss like?"

Bill sputtered out his words at the sudden and intrusive question. From embarrassment this time and not from his stutter. 

"I-i-i - what do you mean?" His face as red as his slightly sunburnt neck. The kind of typical late burn you got in early autumn when you forgot that the sun still took.

"Oh come on! We all know it was Bev! Was it bad, _ were you bad at it _?" Richie kept nagging, feeling a pebble hitting the side of his face in retaliation. Not from Bill though, but from Eddie who gave him a look. Not really an angry look. More like an aggressive suggestion to shut the fuck up. 

Bev was of course a sore subject but Richie was so sick of avoiding talking about her.

Sure, Bev seemed to be forgetting about them with her new exciting life in Oregon, but that didn't mean Richie could just… stop remembering her. 

"Okay then, _ Eddie _, have you had your first yet?" He said smugly instead, making Eddie roll his eyes but couldn't seem to shake the blush on his cheeks.

"You know I haven't" he said, because he would've told Richie if he had already. Obviously.

"You came close though! With Susie Briggs this summer!" Bill said encouragingly and patted Eddie's back. Richie promptly ignored the lump in his throat at the very thought of Susie Briggs's lips on Eddie's.

"Yeah well… I guess I just figured my first kiss should be more special than spin the bottle" Eddie said shrugging.

"Bah! Bullshit! Your first kiss is always sloppy and weird, so better to just get it over with, with someone you don't like" Richie said sending finger guns Eddie's way. Eddie rolled his eyes again.

He then lay down and placed his head in Richie's lap, causing Richie to momentarily lose his train of thought completely. Dazed he relaxed his still raised hands and placed one lazily in Eddie's hair. The other boy closed his eyes and leaned in to the motion.

"That does explain your sudden courtship of that Louise girl last spring…" Eddie murmured, eyes still closed. "One snog and then not a word".

Richie shrugged, even though Eddie couldn't see it. He might have felt the motion from his place in Richie's lap.

Bill who seemed unaware that he had become somewhat of a third wheel dragged his hand through a tuft of grass and sighted.

"Mine and Bev's kiss wasn't weird or sloppy… it was nice" he said, and Richie jolted up from his somewhat leaning form. To sit upright and point accusingly towards one of his oldest friends. Causing Eddie to get hit in the face by Richie's very sharp elbow. The shorter boy groaned and sat up and away from the flailing Richie.

"I _ knew _ it! You _ did _kiss!" His eyes comically big even without the magnifying glasses he wore. 

"Y-yeah…" Bill rubbed his neck and smiled stupidly.

"Yeah well that doesn't count as normative though, because Bev is just awesome." Richie continued and grinned. "She's an anomaly and is just really good at kissing." 

"How do you know?" Eddie asked suddenly looking unsure and somewhat annoyed. 

Richie just wiggled his eyebrows while pulling out a cigarette from his shirt pocket. Eddie however was faster and swiped it out of his hand and threw it into the quarry before he could protest.

He was about to complain furiously but Eddie already knew he would, and held up a hand to shush him.

"It's gross and if you ever smoke in front of me I'm telling your mom" that did shut Richie up immediately. Bill however looked small and was eerily quiet. Making Richie a little nervous.

"... it was just one kiss one time, and I just know it wasn't as meaningful as yours Bill" Richie said, voice small and unsure. The look of annoyance on Eddie's face was back full force but there was no cigarette in Richie's hand to warrant it. Which was confusing as well. Perhaps it was because Richie kept bringing up Beverly, but he absolutely refused to not talk about her in her absence. 

"I don't really care about t-that" Bill mumbled "I just miss her"

Richie nodded, a strange fear coming over him in that moment. He could feel it like a shiver down his spine. In that way you felt when you thought someone was standing behind you. 

He looked back towards the gravely path were they had thrown their bikes but no one was there.

"Do you think we'll all just forget each other… like Bev?" He asked, not being able to hold it back.

"Bev hasn't forgotten about us she's just…." Bill started not able to finish his sentence in any satisfactory way.

* * *

In all honesty, as much as he did miss Bev, he was kind of mad at her. And the fact that the guys just wanted to pretend like it was nothing made him even mader. They had shared things, real deep things. The losers were supposed to be forever and Bev especially, he had told her things he just couldn't share with the rest. 

Now it was like they were nothing to her, just some remnants of her old life that she wanted to leave behind.

Not to mention the look on Bill and Ben whenever Richie tried to slip her name into conversations, or the cold stare from Eddie and Stan. As if her name was a dark curse to summon a demon from its slumber. It was all too weird. At least Mike seemed to be on Richie's side of this, although he tended to back down just as fast.

He missed her, he missed how things used to be, but he also wanted to yell at her.

All these thoughts whirled through his head as the dialing tones of her number beeped in his ear. He tried to stuff them deep down under some sort of controlled level of emotion as he waited for her to pick up. It took her long enough for him to ponder if it was time to give up and hang up.

Then there it was, her voice. Somewhat disoriented and unsure. The voice of someone not recognizing a caller id.

"Hello? Marsh residence" she said and he swallowed the strange nervous feeling in his chest. It was just Bev after all.

"Hi! It's Richie!" 

There was a long pause, _ too long _.

Reluctantly he added:

"Tozier"

Another, shorter pause, then:

"Richie! Of course Richie! I know it's you" 

she hadn't for a second, he was certain of it. He tried to bite down the hurt and anger as best he could.

"Too busy making new friends? How's Oregon treating you?"

"It's fine! I miss you guys! I swear your voices keep changing every time we talk" excuses, trying to justify not recognizing them anymore "when will puberty end?" 

There was a laugh in her voice that melted away all that bile he was carrying. It evaporated of of him like her smile alone was the cure for cancer, and all was well. He couldn't see it but he felt it through her tone of voice.

He forgave her.

"You should come visit soon! We all miss you" he said, feeling the smile on his lips starting to hurt. He didn't mind.

"_ Bill misses you sooo much Bev" _

She made a half amused huffing sound and then something like a _ 'tsk' _. 

"And we're currently getting sexual education so you just _ know _ he'll be so happy to _ see _ you Bev" he kept on going, drawing out more noises from the other end. It felt like old times.

"Please stop… and I miss _ all of you, _okay?"

He couldn't help noticing her not acknowledging his request.

"Maybe you could come down for like thanksgiving or something…" he tried again. Hating how desperately his voice cracked.

"Richie…"

"Or just for a weekend!" He volunteered. It went quiet.

"_ Richie… _I can't go back there"

That lump that seemed to keep manifesting in his throat was back. He stared into the shabby yellow wallpaper in front of him.

"Just the thought of going back to Derry gives me anxiety" Bev said quietly, he couldn't help the bile returning. It burned in his chest like a fire. Threatening to spill out of his eyes were unshed tears had started to burn and blur his already terrible vision.

"Oh yeah? Well _ living _ here gives me anxiety" he bit out, trying desperately to hold back the explosion of emotions he was feeling from reflecting in his voice. He knew it was a childish thing to say, petty and immature but couldn't help it. 

"Why don't you come visit me instead?" Bev said.

He heard the hopefulness in her voice, which made his response so much worse. 

"You know... I _ would _, but I'm sort of worried you'll just forget to pick me up at the airport" he said, trying for his usual level of easy going sarcasm, but coming out sort of salty. It was a joke… but it was also sort of true. On some level he knew she didn't deserve it but on another he wanted to hurt her. He wanted her to know that she hurt them first. 

She didn't respond directly to it.

After that the conversation grew tense and quiet until eventually they decided to just hang up with an empty promise to keep in touch more. 

_ Bullshit, _he thought.

The moment he slammed the phone down on it's holder he picked it back up again. Staring at a part of the wallpaper that had started to peel of. He picked at it, pulling slightly at the chipped edge to reveal a hint of the old one. Cloves on beige he thought, he vaguely remembered that from his toddlerhood.

The other line picked up.

"Hi Mrs U! Is Stan in?"

* * *

He spotted Stan's curly hair sticking out under his wooly hat from far away. Only Stan was anal enough to start wearing hats in early autumn. Summer had _ just _ended for crying out loud, it looked way too depressing. 

One might have thought Eddie would join him in this behaviour in order to not get sick, but he often forgot or ripped the garment of in retaliation to having been forced to wear it from an overbearing mother. He was peculiar that way. Overly cautious to the extremes when it came to the most over the top ways. Like hygiene and mess was a big deal, but simultaneously he threw caution to the wind out of principle. At least when it came to things his mother told him to do, like wear a hat. 

Richie tried to shake the thoughts of Eddie from his mind as he closed up on his other friend.

He was mad at Bev, that much he knew. He wasn't sure what he was with Eddie… in love, yes. Worried about friendship, yes. _ 'Sexually attracted?' _his subconscious volunteered but he swatted it away again.

"Stan the man! Fancy seeing you here!"

"You asked me here you dunce!" Stan led his bike down the path into town. This time of day it was too cold to hang out outside so they figured it was wiser to venture into the Capitol or maybe the ice cream parlor. Richie wasn't sure what he wanted to talk about. He just didn't want to be alone right now.

Stan suddenly stopped. Richie followed his line of sight to the Synagogue across the street.

"It should be empty right now" Stan said, fingers grasping the handlebars until his knuckles turned white.

"Dad's at home and I'm pretty sure no one else would be there at this hour"

Stan started crossing and Richie threw a quick glance up the road before following suite. It felt eerie entering the temple without an adult present. Richie hadn't been inside since Stanley's epic jump into manhood and he had a feeling he wasn't supposed to be there. But Stan had a key and he invited him along so how bad could it be? He hovered in the entrance, stepping from one foot to the other anxiously.

"Should I take of my shoes…" 

Stan gave him a long look.

"Did you take them of the last time Richie?" 

Richie shrugged.

"No, but those were dress shoes. These are Nike's" 

Stan rolled his eyes and sat down in one of the rows.

"It's fine. Just wipe them on the rug"

Richie did, then went in an sat next to Stan. 

Richie liked the Synagogue, he liked the square podium in the middle and the ornaments all around it. He liked the secrecy of having the scrolls securely locked away until they were needed. 

Whenever he was in Church there was always a book of psalms left unattended, and he always had the feeling they were easily replaced. Unlike those scrolls. According to Stan those were special. Richie couldn't pretend to understand all of it but he understood that you didn't disrespect those. And you never left them out in the rows like a psalm book.

"What is it Richie?" Stan said, pulling him out of his own head. Straight to the point. 

"Just talked to Bev, was angry, wanted to hang" he answered while staring up into the roof.

"Again? You should just leave it be"

"I can't leave it be!" Richie started shouting then realizing where he was went immediately quiet. Maybe that was why Stan brought him there.

However Stan didn't reprimand him, just gave him a look.

"Isn't there anything else you want to talk about?" He asked instead. Calmly, patiently. Maybe _ that _was why he brought Richie there. 

He expected him to share, but Richie couldn't find the words so he just shrugged.

Stan sighted exasperated and rubbed his temple.

"Fine. I really thought this had to come from you but you're never gonna get there" Richie didn't have any time to panic before Stan jumped straight to it again.

"Are you gay Richie?"

The world stopped.

Richie stared at Stan, who steadily met his gaze. It was weird hearing it out loud. In Richie's mind it had always been uttered with disgust or judgment. But here he sat in this holy building and the words held no judgment, no malice.

It made it almost easy to admit.

"Yeah" his voice was small in the otherwise still room "yeah I think so, is that okay?"

A concerned wrinkle between Stan's eyebrows.

"Why are you asking me that? Are _ you _ okay with it?" Stan asked, placing a well meaning hand on Richie's back. Richie noted that he had slumped forward in his seat without realizing.

"I mean… I guess I would've preferred not to be" he said honestly. It undoubtedly would've made his life easier.

"Yeah… but it's fine Richie" Stan said, rubbing circles on his back.

"How did you know, is it obvious?" Richie sat up suddenly panicked. What if the whole town could tell?

"No, me and Bill just knew something has been wrong for a while. Like you've been bothered" Stan said, retracting his hand and placing it in his lap.

"I was just guessing based on other circumstances" 

Richie nodded.

"So Bill knows?" Richie said, almost a little relieved if that was true. Then he didn't have to tell him himself.

"No." 

Richie's heart plumeled. So much for avoiding that awkward conversation.

"No, he guessed you were addicted to drugs" a smile cracked on Stan's serious face and it caused Richie to crack as well.

"What? Drugs, seriously?!" He barked out laughing.

"Yeah well you were already smoking so he figured maybe you'd just gone wild" Stan smiled and bumped Richie's shoulder with his own.

"Maybe I shouldn't disappoint him. Do you know where I can score some coke?" Richie asked, the glimmer of mischief back into his eyes. Stan rolled his eyes in amusement this time.

"If you start doing coke I'm telling your mom" Stan said and Richie scoffed

"This again! I'm not actually scared of my mom" Richie raised his eyebrows pointedly and Stan's eyes hardened in response.

"Fine, I'll tell Eddie's mom" he said and Richie lost his entire vocabulary before barking out laughter again.

"Fuck you Stan!" He pulled Stan into a hug and felt immense relief that Stan didn't tense up at his touch after finding out about him. The way he had feared he would. It all felt like normal. 

"We're in a holy place Rich!" Stan scolded him for swearing, but there was no bite to it.

There was a nice quiet there, in a space that had started feeling like just theirs somehow. The barrens and the quarry was the Loser's. But this Synagogue was just for Richie and Stan. 

Richie let out a long sigh.

"I have to tell the others, right?"

Stan seemed to think about it for a second before answering.

"You don't have to, but I think you should"

Another peaceful moment before Richie broke the silence.

"Shit."

Stan elbowed him in the side. 

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I based the scene in the Synagogue on that small scene in chapter 2. I just felt like maybe he had another connection to the place than just the bar mitzvah.
> 
> Also I feel bad for Bev, it's not her fault she doesn't remember. But Richie doesn't know that.


	7. Coming out normal

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> The coming out chapter.
> 
> [](https://ibb.co/72DqcsP)

As the weather got colder they frequently hung out in the Denbrough's basement rather than outside. It had been remodeled last year into more of a hangout spot for the teens, and as such it was a lot more homely than Richie remembered. However, there was still something unsettling about the area. They never exactly felt safe there, even though in retrospect it would appear safer than the outdoors. And still, the quarry or the barrens were always a more favorable spot. Sometimes they even thought about the clubhouse as a safe indoors alternative, but even that got awfully cold during the windy season. 

So having no choice, Richie sat slumped in a yellow and brown monstrosity of a couch, a 70s remnant from Bill's grandmothers place that they had salvaged during her move to a home for the elderly. It smelled like old person but not exactly in an unpleasant way, but it did remind Richie of the old lady in a somewhat depressing manner. 

He had met her a few times at birthday parties and now she sat alone in some home. Surrounded by other old people waiting to die, not even having her own furniture around. It was too depressing and didn't help the uneasiness of hanging out in the basement.

Usually the feeling settled the moment they started playing games or got into the flow of talking shit, but not today.

It wasn't just the room though, however it did enhance the already present nausea. A lump in his chest that was swelling into his throat and making him think he might puke from nerves. He was going to tell them, he just wasn't sure when or how.

He looked at the others arguing over the Risk rulebook, all Losers split into warzones over what was considered a lawful move. Bill and Eddie on opposing sides with their respective allies of Stan and Mike. And a small sideline of Ben trying to imply it was just a game. 

Richie usually pulled back when they got like this, not caring enough to get involved. So no one questioned his silence. Usually he snuck away to smoke but he couldn't smoke when he felt this dizzy already from just sitting there. 

There was a hole in the brown and yellow fabric beneath him, he stuck his finger in and felt the stiff polyester blend stuffing around his finger. It felt like sandpaper and wool mixed together. He twirled his finger around trying to tune the others out so he could think. There was a ripping sound when he accidentally pulled to hard and ripped the fabric some more. He stopped. The other losers didn't notice.

Eddie was waving the rulebook in the air for emphasis, it ripped as well causing Bill's eyes to grow in anger. The argument was escalating.

Suddenly they were all looking at Richie. Who had stood up abruptly, and bumped the table causing all their armies to tumble.

"Richie!" Eddie and Bill both yelled scoldingly and would both have continued berating him for ruining the game if Richie hadn't cut them off first.

"So I'm gay" he said casually, yet feeling stiff and unnatural. Story of his life.

The others looked on in silence.

"Okay, cool" Mike was the first to speak. Starting to try and rearrange what he could remember of the pieces on the board.

"Shit, yeah… okay" Bill said. Looking embarrassed and unsure of himself "D-do you want to t-talk about it?"

"No man, shit. No… or yeah, maybe" Richie said.

Stan had started putting the pieces that Mike had been trying to rearrange back into the box, knowing full well they weren't playing anymore. Ben was just smiling and nodding which Richie wasn't sure how to feel about. 

"So you're like… full gay?" Bill asked, rubbing his neck. Richie had to smile at it, it was awkward for sure but not as world altering as he had feared. 

"Yeah! At least 90%!" Richie said with the laugh back in his voice "I could probably like a girl if it was like a super cool girl!"

The others started smiling too, except Eddie who was staring at the ground. Hands holding onto the Risk rulebook hard enough to crumple the pages, causing some more damage to it. Stan was trying to grab at it but failing he instead glanced back to Richie, seemingly trying to read him.

"Yeah… so, I just thought you should know" Richie said, still looking at Eddie. Trying to get him to look up from the floor with his mind.

"... wow, I mean I did suspect-" Bill said, successfully pulling Richie's attention away from Eddie.

"You didn't suspect shit!" He shoved lightheartedly at Bill who had at some point stood up as well to get to eye level. Bill grinned.

"Yeah well I knew all your stories were fake!" Bill argued and shoved back. Before they knew it they were having a shoving match, bumping shoulders and trying to get the other to stumble sideways. Like everything was normal, it _ felt _normal.

Except Eddie was still quiet. 

Stan seemed to be saying something to him because suddenly Eddie was standing too. Holding out a hand towards Richie as if offering a handshake. He seemed to realize how weird that was too because he retracted it instantly with a blush and folded both his arms over his chest. 

"Thanks for telling us" he said, but still wouldn't look Richie in the eyes. Richie's heart plumeled. 

"Yeah… you deserve to know" Richie decided to direct his words to all of them. Feeling somewhat rejected even though it wasn't as if he'd confessed or anything. Eddie's uncomfortableness just sort of shifted the scale. It meant all the times Richie had wondered if their interactions had meant something, he now knew they didn't, and their relationship would be different now that Eddie knew.

After a brief conversation about it they decided to play cards, which meant they didn't have to sit as close together. Richie deliberately sat on the opposite side of Eddie. 

When it was time to leave Richie didn't hug Eddie goodbye like he usually did. Suspecting Eddie would go for the handshake again he didn't even try and just waved a collective goodbye to all of them. He couldn't handle that type of rejection today. 

The cold winds were whipping his face as he rode his bike home which was good. It felt emotionally numbing, he could focus on that instead of the pain in his chest. And the burn in his lungs helped the feeling of suffocation that had started to grow. 

It was fine. _ Four out of five friends acceptance is a good percentage _ , he told himself as he parked and locked up his bike. _ Not many gay guys get that much _, he thought as he walked into the kitchen.

His dad was polishing his shoes by the counter and he thought about how Eddie would say it was unsanitary to hold your shoes near the place where you prepared your food.

"Dad?" 

His dad turned his head, shoes still in hand but halting his work.

"I like boys" 

His dad looked shocked, then his eyebrows furrowed and then back to confusion.

"Is this one of your bits?" He asked, furrowing his eyebrows back into reprimand. 

Richie's insides burnt to match the cold whipped skin on his face.

"No." He said, feeling his eyes starting to well up so he turned around and started heading for the stairs. He heard the clunk as the shoe hit the counter and the steps following him.

"Hey, hey Richie Rich" he felt a strong hand on his shoulder so he stopped but kept his head down. His glasses slipping threateningly close to falling of his nose.

"I'm sorry, I'm listening" his dad sounded unsure too. Richie turned around but refused to raise his head and didn't speak. 

In their family, Richie's mother did most of the talking and Mr Tozier was more of a quiet man. Usually Richie had no problems carrying the conversation in his father's place but not today. So they stood in silence in the hallway leading to the staircase. 

"You probably shouldn't tell your mom" his dad finally said, and then as if instantly regretting it added "not yet, just not today"

Richie nodded slowly and when he finally did look up his dad was smiling. Somewhat strained and hiding under it Richie could sense he felt uncomfortable, but it was still accepting. More so than Eddie at least.

Between the two Richie had not expected his dad to be more understanding than Eddie, which was probably why he had told his father at all. To somehow make Eddie's response seem better, which now instead felt worse. 

Richie shrugged free of the grip and started heading back up, once more feeling numb.

"Thanks for telling me!" His dad shouted, as an afterthought, and Richie just grunted in response before shutting his door. What was with that phrase, was it in the _ 'A straight man's guide to talking to gays' _ handbook or something? 

He sat down on his bed and let it all sink in. 

It felt as if he should cry but the tears had dried up again. He felt nothing for a bit, and then he felt annoyed. Unsatisfaction crawled under his skin the more he thought about it. God, didn't he at least deserve a reaction? Him coming out warranted something more than silence! Even his dad had expressed _ something. _

Even if it were to be disgust or betrayal Richie craved Eddie's opinion. He always got it whether he liked or not so what the hell kind of nothing was that? 

Richie stood up and marched back out towards the phone, but realizing how easy Eddie could hang up on him he stopped. Or even worse, what if Eddie had told Mrs K and she picked up and refused to let Richie talk to her son ever again.

No, he needed to see him. 

He ran back outside, not bothering with his father calling his name and started running up the street to get to Eddie's house. 

* * *

As he crouched on the narrow roof outside Eddie's window, he started to regret not taking some warmer clothes. Especially since he wasn't sure how long it would take for Eddie to get to his room after supper, or if he'd even let him in immediately. 

His hands were starting to get stiff but he couldn't put them in the warmth of his pockets. Since he needed them for balance. The cold was nesting inside his bones and it was almost enough to make him turn and walk back home when the door to Eddie's room finally opened.

Richie crouched down momentarily, just to be sure it wasn't Sonia Kaspbrak rather than her son. When he was sure it was Eddie and only Eddie in the room he poked his head back up and started tapping rapidly on the glass.

The other boy jumped and the moment it settled into annoyed Richie's heart started hammering faster. Moment of truth, Eddie knew Richie was there. Now the question was, would he let him in his room after what he'd just learnt? 

What would Richie even say? _ It sucked when you wouldn't look at me? Please be angry? _

Eddie did seem to hesitate more than usual but as a particularly hard wind pulled at Richie's hair, causing an involuntary shake of his teeth Eddie moved and opened the window.

"What the fuck are you thinking, you're gonna get pneumonia!" 

"You're gonna get pneumonia!" Richie countered, not exactly sure what pneumonia actually was. He climbed through and slipped out of his muddy sneakers to leave them out on the roof. They were gonna get cold and be a nightmare to slip back into but he needed Eddie in a good mood for this. At least at first.

Eddie looked uncomfortable and was rubbing his elbow absentmindedly. Still standing, he seemed to glance between the bed and his desk chair. Richie made it easy for him and went and sat down at the desk. In turn Eddie sat down, not on the bed but on the floor next to it. Using the mattress as a headrest. 

"Why are you here Richie?" Richie could hear fear in his voice so he figured Eddie had a hunch.

"Do you hate me?" It wasn't what Richie had planned to say. In his mind his approach had been much more aggressive but the fresh air seemed to have cooled him down. That and the look on Eddie's face.

"No!" Eddie's voice sounded sincere. He had leaned forward, sitting on his bent legs but didn't seem to want to get up. Didn't walk over to where Richie was. He kept a safe distance and Richie tried to convince his emotions that it was okay.

"You tried to _ shake my hand _ Eds _ " _

Eddie didn't even bother to correct him on the nickname and once more stared into the carpeted floor.

"Eddie, can you just look at me?!" Richie said a bit too loud. Eddie stared at the door for any sign of his mother barging in but once again they were safe. Their voices probably drowned out by the television. Eddie still wasn't _ looking _at Richie. 

"For fuck's sake Eddie. You _ do _ hate me" it did cause Eddie to snap his head back and stare at Richie. Long and hard.

"I _ don't. Richie" _his eyes were starting to tear up. The big brown eyes looking glossy and reflecting the light from the ceiling "I think I'm gay too".

Tears had started to run down Eddie's perfectly freckled cheeks and Richie panicked. 

"Fuck"

He stood up so hard the chair fell but he didn't care. He rushed over, feeling a slight rugburn against his calves as he slid down sitting next to Eddie. 

"Hey, it's okay, Eddie!" He placed a timid hand on Eddie's shoulder. The other boy was now furiously wiping away the stubborn tears with his hands but it was slowly developing into soft sobbing. Richie had no idea what he was doing so he made a shushing sound as he rubbed circles on Eddie's back. As if he was nurturing a crying baby.

"No, it's not! It's not okay!" Eddie was angry crying now "what if I get aids?"

Richie hated that he couldn't say no to that. Statistically it could happen, although it felt more likely to happen to him than _ Eddie the hypochondriac. _ It was just something Richie didn't like thinking about, but of course Eddie thought about it.

" what do I tell my mom? That she was right, that I'm weak and she knew I would get sick?" 

"You're not sick! Didn't you say she was okay with gay-"

"Other gay people Rich! If I tell her the only thing she will see is a fucking timeclock to my death!"

Richie felt naeuseus again. 

"Hey, it's not happening, look at me" richie caught Eddie's face between his hands, the boy flinched at the cold limbs but his sobs settled into shaky breaths.

"It's not happening Eds"

Eddie's brow furrowed in anger but it had no bite when his tearstained cheeks were pressed between Richie's hands. His eyes still shiny and red.

"Don't call me Eds when we're having a serious discussion asshole" but of course Richie had to, it had done its job of easing the mood.

"Just think about it, you only get aids from having sex." Richie said, relishing the heat under his hands as Eddie's cheeks started to flare. He resisted the urge to make a joke about Eddie never getting laid anyway.

"So if you're both virgins, and you just stick to each other, it's fine" Richie said and reluctantly let go of Eddie. He stayed sitting in front of him though. As the weight of the situation settled it started to dawn on Richie. Eddie was gay, he liked boys. 

Once more that feeling that maybe their interactions meant something to Eddie as well, started to resurface. Yet there was still doubt. If Eddie could choose he would probably go for a clean cut type, like Zack from saved by the bell. That was more his type, well polished and athletic. 

"Yeah right, cause it's so easy to find someone who is both gay _ and _a virgin" Eddie said, rolling his eyes.

It was silent as Richie tried to find a good way to point out that he was both these things, without coming of like he was volunteering. Although he totally was. Eddie couldn't know that though, it had to come across naturally.

"Well…" he said casually, doing some sort of presenting gesture over his own body. Vague as it was Eddie seemed to catch on.

"You're not a virgin though" he said.

This was it, years of spiralling lies coming to a halt. Richie felt embarrassed and exposed.

"Actually… I've only ever kissed Bev" 

Eddie's eyebrows furrowed.

"I just said all that shit to cover up the fact I was gay"

Eddie's eyes hardened.

"So Bill was right, you're just full of shit! What about that girl at the party?!" Eddie pointed his accusing finger hard into Richie's chest.

"Ow, no… I was about to, but I freaked out and ran"

Eddie's lips were pressed into an angry line across his face.

"But you said you did make out!" He jabbed his finger into Richie once more.

"Ow! That was actually her, I think she didn't want people to know she got rejected by a Loser so she started saying we did"

Eddie leaned back again and looked ahead as if processing all of this. Then his eyes traced from the angry red mark on Richie's chest, that he himself had caused, back up to meet his friends gaze. Then he finally cracked an amused smile.

"I'm so telling the others" he laughed as Richie pushed at him, a smile growing on Richie as well. 

"I'm telling the entire school! I mean I'm not surprised!" Eddie sat up and leaned forward again "who would want to put their mouth to a trashmouth!" 

Richie laughed and shook his head.

"Beverly did." Richie said and raised his eyebrows.

"Beverly loves doing charities" Eddie leered and for a split second Richie thought he caught him looking to Richie's lips.

"Well that still means I've kissed one more person than you" it was now Richie's turn to poke Eddie in the chest, although he was much more gentle. 

"Yeah… which means you're clean" Eddie said and this time Richie swore he looked at Richie's lips. Only for a split second.

The laughter disappeared from their conversation. They were still sitting face to face on the floor, close enough for their knees to touch and Richie's breath caught in his throat before releasing far shakier than he would've liked.

"Yeah" Richie said and for the first time allowed himself to look at Eddie's lips. The tip of his tongue poked out between them to wet at the pink skin and Richie couldn't look away.

"I mean… we don't have to kiss just because we both happen to like guys" Richie said, swearing internally at his stupid trashmouth for it's ability to form words at all. 

They were definitely leaning happening though, Richie was holding his weight on his arm that had somehow appeared next to Eddie's thigh. Eddie's breath was coming out in short, unregular puffs that hit Richie's face. Matching Richie's own labored breathing. Their noses bumped slightly which meant Richie just had to tilt his head and go for it and he would be kissing Eddie Kaspbrak. 

He stayed frozen though, his eyes closed he just savoured the sound of Eddie's breath and the feel of his nose now pressing slightly into the skin right next to Richie's own nose.

"Yeah…" Richie said for no actual purpose other than him not knowing how to not speak.

"Yeah" Eddie mirrored and Richie felt a hand taking a hold of his neck, fingers dipping into his hair. 

Richie released a shaky breath and placed his own hand on Eddie's cheek. It came across something wet forcing Richie's eyes open. Eddie wasn't crying but gathered right below his chin there were still remnants of tears. Richie wanted so badly to just lean into it but there was a nagging voice inside his head that said this was a bad idea. Eddie had just been crying.

Reluctantly he sat back, Eddie's eyes shot up in confusion and he seemed to try and pull Richie back in with his grip on his neck but Richie held himself back.

"I mean… we really don't have to just because we're both gay" he hated himself, he hated himself so much "it could get weird and our friendship…"

Eddie released his grip on Richie and placed his hand back into his lap. 

"Is more important" Eddie filled in and nodded. His face flushed but otherwise looking like himself.

"...Yeah" after all, Richie was probably just conveniently there. If Eddie could choose, he wouldn't be kissing a trashmouth. 

Their friendship truly was more important, at least Richie had managed to salvage that. 

  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> No kisses yet!  
So I've been told that was mean of me, but it's not their time yet...


	8. Cogito, ergo 'freaking out'

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Overthinking can be a dangerous thing.
> 
> [](https://ibb.co/JyXYFWW)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay so this has mentioning of a trial of abuse between Sean Penn and Madonna. Just as TW in case any readers needs it! It is mentioned briefly in the first segment.

Eddie didn't want to tell the other Losers. Richie didn't understand why, they were totally cool with Richie coming out and he sort of felt weird about keeping this from them.

"They wouldn't care that you're gay Eddie. If they didn't care about-"

"This isn't about you Richie!" Eddie hissed and his eyes flickered between Richie and where they had spotted the others sitting by a lunchtable at the far end of the cafeteria.

"But why not?"

"Because the more people that know, the more people could potentially talk about it. Then someone will overhear that shouldn't, and then they tell my mother!" Eddie said with impressive speed, hardly coming up for air at all. He looked over his shoulders again.

"And we shouldn't talk about it at school!" He finished, his grip around his lunchtray tensing, whitening his knuckles where the skin stretched.

"They wouldn't talk about it with anyone but the Losers, you know that" Richie had started whispering as they got closer and closer to the seated students. 

"No. But maybe they don't know there's a stranger behind them, and that stranger happens to be my mom's friend Stella and-"

"Eds, you're being paranoid-"

"Richie _ please _, just don't tell them" Eddie looked at him with those big browns and Richie's insides did a somersault. 

"Eddie I would_ never do that _" Richie whispered, doing his best to show how sincere he was by means of intense eye contact.

"That's your truth to tell… I just think you should tell them, but it has to come from _ you _" 

"Well it's not gonna happen!" Eddie hissed louder this time, loud enough for Ben to reacts since they had just about reached the table.

"What's not gonna happen?" He asked and scooched over to give Richie a seat, while Bill removed his bag from the seat between him and stan for Eddie to sit.

"He thinks I'm never gonna get to make out with Sean Penn" Richie quickly said, giving a very tense looking Eddie an assuring smile.

"I say it could happen" he said with a grin but seeing the others still looking sceptical he decided to keep going. 

"Actually we were talking about first kisses and how Eddie's never gonna get some" he continued grinning and took a huge bite out of his sandwich.

"Says you, you've only ever kissed one girl!" Eddie almost screamed, all tension thrown to the wind in favour of arguing with Richie. 

Bill looked confused at this statement.

"I thought you a-also kissed Bev" He said, seeming to have forgiven Richie for kissing his dreamgirl. Ben however, although hearing about it for the first time didn't seem as phased. Probably because he knew Beverly better than a lot of people and he knew Richie and Beverly's relationship wasn't threatening. Not that it mattered anymore since Beverly had abandoned them. 

Eddie who seemed to come alive with the opportunity to drag Richie some more had half stood up in his seat, hands slammed on either side of his tray of untouched food.

"Yeah! That's the thing, he never kissed that girl at the party!"

"Louise" Stan helpfully added but Eddie just waved his statement away.

"Whatever, they never kissed. She just said they did and you better believe he's lied about other things too!" Eddie grinned at him and Richie couldn't even be mad. He just sat and smiled stupidly.

"Yeah well that still leaves Beverly, I've still kissed one more person than you!" Richie pointed towards Eddie and in the process tipped over Stan's bottle of water which spilled all over the table and dripped down on the man himself. Richie gave a cheeky smile for an excuse and Stan went for the deadpan stare. Then he just sighted and started drying himself with his napkin. Mumbling about it being a good thing he wore dark blue pants that day.

Eddie didn't seem to take notice of the accident and scoffed at Richie's statement.

"Doesn't count, you're gay remember?" he did have the sense to lower his voice at that statement and burrowed his eyes into Richie's and yeah, suddenly Richie was very aware of how gay he was.

"It was still a kiss" he said, trying hard not to think about the other day when his lips had been so very close to Eddie's. He had to forget about it. "I had to know for sure that I was gay, so kissing a girl was a good way to find out"

Eddie scoffed again and rolled his eyes.

"That's bullshit! I've never kissed anyone and I still know I'm gay" 

At first he didn't seem to realize what he'd said, but as he once again met Richie's big staring eyes and later started looking around the others, the panic seemed to settle in.

He sat down hard in his seat and started fumbling with the wrapper around his food. The others said nothing, waiting for Eddie to continue. This seemed to agitate him even more.

"Well say something then!" He said, giving up on his food and dropping it unceremoniously down on the table. His face burning red.

Bill was the first to say anything.

"It's cool Eddie, Wow… I'm glad you told us"

Stan smiled and patted Eddie's back, although Eddie couldn't see the smile since he had buried his face in his hands. 

"I guess that's not how you wanted to tell us…" Stan said and Eddie slumped down even more with a mortified whimper.

"He didn't want to tell you at all" Richie said, trying his best not to burst out laughing and ending up with a huge grin on his face instead.

The others didn't seem that surprised that Richie knew.

"So… Richie and Eddie?" Ben said thoughtfully and now both Eddie and Richie flinched and stared at him.

"Why do you say it like that?" Richie said, trying to feign nonchalance. Eddie just glared at the poor boy. 

"No, just that you're both gay then!" Ben waved his hand in front of him, presumingly trying to keep Richie at a distance. Maybe out of fear of being attacked for implying something.

"Yeah!" Bill said, coming to his friends rescue "I had none, and now I have two gay friends"

Stan rolled his eyes but with a hint of a smile this time.

"Technically you've always had two, you just didn't know" he said and took a sip from what remained in his bottle. 

"Hey I would still date like… a really cool girl" Richie said, because sure he prefered men but he could maybe like a girl. He liked to have options.

"Okay but if for example, Madonna and Sean Penn made you choose" Bill offered and gave him a pointed look.

"Oh sean Penn, definitely!" Richie looked towards Eddie who seemed to have relaxed now that the attention wasn't on him anymore. His hands were still shaking slightly as he gave another try at unpacking his lunch.

"You guys know he beat her right?" Stan said pointing at each and every one of them with his fork in the air.

"W-what?"

"_ What _?!" 

Bill and Richie both shouted in somewhat of a turbulent, almost unison.

"It's been in like several magaziner for years now. It has gone to court and everything" Stan continued, baffled at his friends lack of knowledge of what went on in the world outside of Derry.

"Well then I'm gonna choose Madonna!" Richie exclaimed before mentally exiting the conversation in order to focus on Eddie again. In the background he could still hear the others discussing it. All focus shifting from Eddie and his accidental outing.

"Are we s-sure it's not j-ju-just rumours?"

"It's not fucking rumours Bill"

Eddie looked back at Richie as if he'd sensed his eyes on him and as Richie gave a big smile the side of Eddie's lip twitched into a half smile of his own. Eddie was safe, Richie needed him to know that. 

* * *

As they headed towards history class Stan held Richie back by placing a firm hand on his arm. He pulled them into an empty hallway and looked back to see if the others had noticed. They hadn't. Richie almost felt insulted they hadn't noticed him and Stan not walking behind them anymore, and before Stan could start talking about whatever he needed of his chest - Richie started monologuing. 

"Isn't it typical how those guys always look forward. If anyone invents eyes in the back of the neck then I know what those guys are getting for christmas" he laughed, trying to hide the nervous buildup in his chest.

"Yeah, well I have first hand experience of that and it could be worse than this" Stan mumbled and for some reason Richie's eyes traveled to Stan's cheekbone where a thin scar was visible. He usually didn't take note of it, but for some reason now he did. The other marks had healed completely but that last one persisted. He had gotten several cuts, Richie remembered. He hardly remembered _ how _ it happened though. He fell down a slope in the woods? Scraped his cheek while biking down a steep hill?

"Right… sorry about that" he hardly remembered why he was so sorry.

"Forget it, it was ages ago. I fell… or whatever" yeah, Stan fell, when they were kids and they didn't notice until later. When they came back for him he was so upset they had left him, but that was ages ago. 

"We need to get to class, I just wanted to check on you" Stan continued, eyes piercing with concern and a steady arm still holding onto Richie. 

"Yeah! Eddie told me yesterday"

Stan let go of his arm but his eyes were still searching Richie for any sign of some emotional wavering.

"Okay so… did you tell him?"

"No!" Richie hated the high pitch his voice broke into at that moment "no, we're just friends"

He didn't have time to freak out about what stan was implying. What would the point be, he obviously already seemed to know that Richie liked Eddie. 

Was he that transparent or was it just because it was Stan?

Stan nodded and hoisted his backpack into a more comfortable position. 

"Okay… tell me if you want to talk about it"

Richie wanted to not talk about it, he wanted to not even think about it. Instead he slung an arm around Stan's shoulders and leaned much of his weight onto him as they headed back on their path towards History. 

When they entered the classroom it was dark and students were whispering between each other while a substitute teacher was fiddling with three different remote controls up front. The irony there being that their usual teacher used to juggle four and have even less knowledge about which control went to what.

It didn't take a genius to figure out they were watching a movie.

The Losers sat almost at the back and had saved them seats, so at least they had noticed their friends were missing at some point. Eddie gestured for Richie to sit down next to him and Richie obliged to not seem weird. Normally he _ would _ sit there, right? It was just awfully close to Eddie and with these movies about history being so boring he just knew it would be a very long and painful lesson in selfcontrol.

He sat down without protest anyway and dumped his bag next to his feet.

There was a loud click as the projector whirred to life when their substitute seemed to have found the right remote.

At the sound of the projector starting all five Losers present flinched, Richie felt a cold sweat gather at his neck where the hairs had stood up. Next to him Eddie had leaned into him and Richie had instinctively reached out and placed an arm around the other boy. Strange.

They all laughed at their sudden and inexplicable behaviour, while releasing breaths they hadn't known they held. Strange how something so innocent as a sudden sound could surprise you so much. It almost felt like fear.

Eddie sat up again and Richie retracted his arm, but their proximity stayed the same. Arms pressed to each other in the dark room as the movie started up front. Richie had been right, it was boring and the closeness to Eddie beside him was torture. Just like the movie theatre the promise of privacy in the dark and the closeness between them did things to Richie. He didn't dare even move. What if Eddie would get the wrong idea now that he knew about Richie? Even worse, what if he'd get the right one?

The movie wasn't _ that _bad, he figured. The content was always sort of interesting but the mossy narrative always sent Richie straight to snoozeville. However he did start to get distracted enough to not think about Eddie's folded arms making it so that his hand almost rested on Richie's arm too. Fingertips scraping against his skin every time he took a breath. He felt it so much, but he couldn't risk ruining their friendship just because Eddie maybe wanted to practise making out with him once. Also, Richie was not going to think about it. He had promised himself.

He snuck a glance towards Eddie's face, the others gaze intently set on the screen upfront. Eddie probably didn't think about their almost kiss at all.

Richie turned back towards the screen, sighted and leaned forward on the the desk. Placing both arms on it to use as a headrest. He wasn't gonna be able to pay attention, he might as well try and take a nap or daydream.

He had just closed his eyes as a sudden thought hit, causing his eyes to fly open again. What if he did fall asleep? In his current mindset, what if he had dreamt something inappropriate? He couldn't risk that, after all they had talked about that in class. That since they're hormonal and thinking about sex a lot it's natural to have a lot of wet dreams, since dreaming is the brain's way of sorting through your waken thoughts. No matter how dopey that sounded Mrs Kitelinger had a point. He couldn't risk it!

In a way he was sort of surprised he'd found use of knowledge learnt in Sex ed class. 

_ Sex Ed. God damn it Tozier, stop thinking! _He squeezed his eyes shut again trying to will the thought away. He even started considering his classmates having secret superpowers and that maybe they could read minds. Gretta Keene knowing about him lusting for his best friend was the last thing he needed.

Suddenly there was fingers at the nape of his neck. They were slowly pulling at the hairs there and he held his breath. It had to be Eddie, unless someone in the row behind them had reached over to mess with him, maybe _ because _ they had just read his mind. He needed to _ stop thinking _.

His worries were however debunked when Eddie joined him in leaning over the table, faced towards him he gave a coy smile.

"_ You need a haircut _" Eddie whispered almost inaudibly. It was a good thing Richie was blind and not deaf. Richie just scrunched up his face in response, knowing full well how incapable he was of whispering like that. Eddie smiled in response and glanced towards the film.

"_ This is boring… wanna play hangman?" _Eddie whispered again in that talented way of his. Richie grinned and nodded. Taking out two pencils and a writing block from his bag on the floor as discreetly as he could. He then proceeded to write down the lines of the two words he planned on using. It only took Eddie three failed letters to come up with the secret message of _youregay_. Eddie have him an unimpressed look and scribbled down a few lines of his own. Then it was Richie's turn to guess. 

He was not as successful and with only _er_ato_ogy to show for his efforts Richie's man was hanged. He had figured out by now that it was some medical term but how would he ever be able to figure out which one!

He read over Eddie's shoulder as he scribbled down the whole word.

_ 'Dermatology _?' Richie mouthed in disbelief. Eddie just grinned.

Richie took the block and played the word "showoff" which Eddie figured out pretty fast as well. 

They went on like that for a few more games before Richie grew tired of losing so quickly. 

He figured shorter words with rare letters would be harder for Eddie to decipher. Sex was too easy, he was the trashmouth after all. 

So he put down _ _ _ / _ _ and passed it over and it seemed to be fruitful. He had been right, it did take a bit longer for Eddie to figure it out. He was an arm and a leg away from hanging when Eddie guessed E, and as Richie wrote in the two e's and really looked at what he had done, he realized what an idiot he was. With just the one letter missing Eddie seemed to sit up a bit straighter as he seemed to catch on. And slowly he wrote 'x?' In his suggestion pile of letters. Richie swallowed as he fitted the last letter into his wordpuzzle.

_ S e x / E d _

He shouldn't have put a capital E at the end, he thought. Then the implications wouldn't have been as bad. 

He gave a nervous giggle and this made Eddie giggle as well. He took the paper from Richie and created a new game without questioning Richie's choice. He got that Richie meant the class, it was fine. It was just Richie overthinking things again.

They got halfway into that game before the lights were turned back on and Richie shoved the block and pencil back into his bag to get up.

"I can't b-believe you guys didn't ask us to join hangman!" Bill complained the moment they stepped outside. "I tried to get your attention to pass the paper like eight times!" 

They just laughed and shrugged.

"Sorry, we didn't notice" Eddie said in between giggles and shoved Richie just as he attempted to trip Eddie as they walked. 

"So.. _ are _you guys…" Ben started, causing them all to look at him quizzically.

"I mean it's okay if you are. But are you guys like… dating?" 

That immediately halted Richie from his mission of trying to jokingly trip Eddie into his arms.

"What, no." He blurted and Eddie looked uncomfortable again at the mention of his sexuality in public.

"Ben. Just because we both like guys doesn't mean we have to date" Richie said, trying to sound light and fun but coming off a bit more serious and harsh than he would've liked.

"Right, sorry!" Ben said, blushing and looking down at his feet.

"Hey, it's okay. But me and Eds are just friends guys" Richie said addressing all of them, trying and succeeding in sounding friendly this time. 

_ " _Don't call me Eds, I hate when you call me Eds" Eddie said, arms crossed and in a defensive position.

"Of course Eddie Spaghetti, I forgot!" Richie grinned and Eddie threw his arms up in annoyance.

"Seriously! That old- _ stop _!"

"I'm sorry Eddiekins!" Richie purred and Eddie shoved him hard this time. Hard enough to torpeed him into a locker which honestly kind of hurt. 

The others looked on in stunned horror as Eddie's eyes grew big as saucers. 

"I'm sorry Richie, I didn't mean-"

Richie just rubbed his aching side and grinned.

"See, Eds and I are just as we always have been" and this time Eddie didn't argue the nickname and he didn't shrug Richie off when he put an arm around his shoulders to guide him forward in the hallway. Because they were normal, just like always. And Richie tried to not think about why that didn't feel good at all. 

* * *

On the way home they kept eachother's company as far as they could, leading their bikes so it would take longer. As they passed the store Ben and Richie went in and bought a pack of gummies that they then passed to each other as they walked.

Every once in a while Richie would push his bike a little faster so that it would nudge Eddie's, who was walking right in front of him. Everytime with an excuse of passing the gummies or that he needed him to look at a obscene looking bush. 

When Richie's front tire bumped into Eddie's back one for the third time Eddie snapped. 

"Stop bumping into me, you're gonna break something!" He snapped and Richie backed off for a few paces.

Then he did it one more time. Eddie turned violently and glared.

"Move further back!" he snapped and Richie stopped completely in order to lean over his handlebars. 

"Okay, I'll just stand here and watch you walk away" he said and bit his lip trying not to snicker as Eddie's back visibly straightened. 

Eddie seemed to get caught in his step for a second out of surprise, then he picked up the pace and flipped Richie off. Never once looking back.

"Enjoy the view!" He shouted and kept walking. Richie snickered again and had to half run to catch up with the others. 

Bill looked at them in disbelief.

"Is this how it's gonna be now?" He asked and furrowed his brow.

"We're not-"

"I know, but you're implying stuff… Even as a joke, is this a thing now?" Bill's brow eased up and he gave half a smile "I'm gonna need to get used to this right?"

Richie laughed and shrugged "I would like to talk about boys if that's okay"

Bill shot him a worried look "of course that's okay!"

Richie almost laughed again. Bill was trying to normalize it, he was just really bad at it. Bill was in deep waters after all and his efforts were appreciated but it was really funny to watch.

"Okay so if that's not what bothers you is it… that you felt left out?" Richie asked and he heard Ben and Eddie trying not to laugh.

"Cause you're real cute Bill, but Eddie's cuter" 

He rushed up to Eddie so that he could lead his bike next to his and grabbed the boy's chin with one hand. Eddie made a sound of protest but didn't struggle.

"Look at him, cute!" 

Their eyes met and without really thinking about it they started walking slower. Eddie looked less annoyed than he used to when they were kids and Richie called him cute, more solemn and searching. Richie's breath came out shaky as he smiled, trying to come off jokingly but feeling all fluttery inside. 

"Yeah, Richie has always called Eddie cute" Ben said pulling them out of their daze and Richie immediately let go of Eddie's face. The others had stradled their bikes up where the road parted. Knowing they had to split ways.

"Yeah, that's true" Bill said, trying to hide how embarrassed he was from their earlier ordeal. Ben and Bill had stopped paying attention to them and was talking to each other but Stan was still looking over to Eddie and Richie. When Richie caught his eye Stan simply shook his head very slowly and got up on his own bike.

They waved goodbye to each other and went their separate ways and even though Richie normally kept company with Stan for a bit longer, this time he gave a flimsy excuse about getting home early and dashed of ahead. He was in no mood to listen to whatever Stan had picked up on and wanted to lecture him about. It was bad enough Stan seemed to think he knew what Richie was feeling. He didn't need to feed that fire with whatever Stan thought he saw back there.

Richie needed to think, or not think. He was indecisive on the matter.

He threw his bike in the yard and rushed up the stairs, ignoring his father asking him not to run indoors. He slammed the door, surprised at the sudden feeling of panic and anxiety building in his body. He was fine just a minute ago, why was he so riled up now?

He was pacing around his room trying to calm down but couldn't, and he couldn't wait for the turmoil of emotion to settle even though he probably should've. Instead he rushed back down the stairs and into the kitchen, and before he knew it he had called him.

A breathy voice picked up on the other side, having probably just gotten through the door when Richie called. A somewhat collected, yet out of breath hello from the familiar voice was all there was time for before Richie started speaking over it.

"Can we talk somewhere? The barrens maybe? Like _ now _?" He rushes through his sentence, the feeling of anxiety still fresh in his system.

"Sure, I was gonna go birdwatching later but I can go now" Stan said calmly and Richie nodded frantically even though no one could see it.

"Okay, I'll be there" Richie said, leaning his forehead to the wall and trying to even his breathing. 

"Richie" Stan's voice sounded calm yet firm at the end of the line "it's gonna be fine"

Richie nodded again.

"Yeah, thanks" he said, not really believing it. 

They hung up and Richie slid down to sitting on the floor. The panic had settled but the uncomfortable buzzing feeling under his skin persisted. He just needed to talk so he could stop thinking so damn much. His head slumped forward and he buried his hands in his messy hair. He just needed to not think so much, that was all. 


	9. Still my beating heart, silence my frantic mind

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> If Richie didn't have Stan he would crumble to the earth's core and die.  
Thank god he has Stan.
> 
> [](https://ibb.co/n7vrk5s)

Richie had ran to the Barrens as soon as his legs felt stable enough to carry him. So while waiting for Stan he stood staring at a patch of grass, where he thought he could sense the hatch leading down to their basically abandoned clubhouse. Was it safe anymore? Had it ever been safe or was it just the recklessness of children that had made it durable? His fingers where starting to ache from the cold and he tried to blow hot air at them to warm them up, but his own breath cooled down faster than he could get it to work.

Stan's familiar steps broke him out of his chore and without even seeing him Richie shouted.

"Stan! Let me borrow your gloves!"

"Why do I have to suffer because you can't dress for the weather?" Stan asked as he stepped through the trees.

"It's basically still summer!" Richie said shivering.

"It's really not" Stan said as he removed his left glove and threw it to Richie. As he stepped up beside him he grasped Richie's right hand with his bare left one to keep them both warmer. Richie felt like crying.

"Why are you so good to me Stan?"

"Future investment" Stan grinned and squeezed his hand harder "Now, what's going on?"

Richie glanced at Stan's face, the rosy windwhipped cheeks and still felt cold to his bones even with his hands covered.

"It's too cold to think, can we go inside?"

"Maybe you should've brought a better jacket" Stan said and looked Richie over. He was of course not wearing a hat either and was only wearing an unzipped hoodie over his usual layers of t-shirt and patterned shortsleeve. Richie shrugged.

"Can't we go to the mosque again?" He asked, eyes big and pleading. Stan shook his head.

"It's not vacant right now" Stan said as his eyes seemed to wander towards something.

He let go of Richie's hand who immediately pocketed it, although it didn't keep the cold out. He followed Stan with his eyes as he walked around seemingly aimlessly kicking at grass. Probably looking for the hatch too.

"I think it's that patch to your right" Richie said and walked up just as Stan started ripping out the grass. Just as suspected they did find a hatch in the ground there.

"Do you think it's safe?" Richie asked and hunched down to help hoist it up. Stan just looked at him, his eyes piercing into his skull with determination.

"Ben built it, so i trust it" and with a creek the hatch opened and fell back revealing a ladder disappearing down into a dark hole. Richie felt overwhelmed with the idea they used to find this place safe. What kind of fucked up childhood left a dark hole in the ground feeling safe? He had vague ideas and hazy memories of a time that kept growing more distant in his mind. He couldn't quite remember details but he remembered the emotions, the uneasiness of it. Stan seemed to feel it too as he stared down into the dark, so Richie took his hand again and they looked back at each other. Smiles strained but sincere as they started their decline down. 

There was still battery left in the light hanging from the roof and apart from the dust it looked the same. Richie relaxed. 

"Wasn't there a poster here?" Stan said and Richie tensed.

"Yeah, I took it home" Richie said and went to sit down in the hammock when Stan grabbed his wrist to halt his movement.

"We should probably avoid that, the tree beams might have rotted" he said and sat down on the ground on some old pillows.

"And you're sure we're gonna be okay here?" 

Stan nodded, still trusting Ben's craftship. 

"As long as we don't put any strain on anything holding it up" Stan was fiddling with an old jar and pulled out a shower cap he promptly put on his head before turning towards Richie.

Richie couldn't help but laugh, Stan's gave him a tired look.

"I can't believe you're still doing this!" Richie laughed.

"I know you don't care but I don't want spiders in my hair, so just sit down" Stan said and pulled another pillow up beside him "don't forget we're here for your sake"

This did silence Richie and his nerves from earlier made a tangled up comeback inside his stomach and throat. He sat down slowly next to Stan and took a deep breath. The air felt musky and old like in his grandmother's attic. 

"I love him" he said, before he could talk himself out of it.

"Who?" Stan asked, to let Richie have it, because Richie could tell he already expected only one person's name. Stan's features softened as he seemed to realize Richie was being serious about talking and not just goofing of as usual.

"Eddie, I love him" Richie said and for a second he couldn't breathe again. Just hearing his own voice saying it out loud triggered his fight or flight mechanism. For a second he remembered what Eddie said earlier, what if the wrong people overheard him. He had to remind himself that he was with Stan, and they were underground in a place only losers were supposed to know existed. Stan gripped his hand tightly again and it evened out his breathing.

"Have you told him?" Stan asked again and Richie just shook his head.

"No, I can't"

"Why not, he's gay so…"

Richie scoffed 

"yeah but that's what makes it worse!" he said and slumped his head on Stan's shoulder, not caring about the uncomfortable strain his neck from doing so. 

"Why? Doesn't that mean you have a chance now?" Stan said.

"Eddie doesn't want _ me _" Richie said and tried to swallow the uncomfortable uneasiness that was welling up inside him and threatening to swell out of his eyes.

"I think you're overthinking this Rich, I mean you're both into guys and know and trust each other… if nothing else you could at least talk about it" Stan said and sure it sounded reasonable because Stan always sounded reasonable, but it didn't make it any less nerve wracking. 

Stan didn't say anything but Richie did hear him blow air out of his nose. He couldn't see him since they were facing the same way but he still knew. 

"You rolled your eyes at me just now, didn't you?" 

Stan scoffed out a laugh that Richie felt through the shoulder he was leaning on.

"Yeah" he said and pushed Richie up into a sitting position so that he could look at him.

"You don't have to tell him you love him if that's too scary Richie" he said and shook the taller teen by the shoulders. 

"Just tell him you're into him, you're teenagers, it's normal" 

Richie furrowed his brows.

"That doesn't sound very responsible Stan" he said grinning.

"Yeah well what do i know, I'm also just a teenager" Stan said shrugging as he let go of Richie.

"In body only" Richie claimed and grinned "thank you for your advice sir!"

This time Richie could see the familiar roll of his friends eyes. 

"Yeah well, as long as you're safe!" Stan said with a sudden glimmer in his eyes "at least we know Eddie is equipped" 

At this Stan laughed as Richie looked mortified and embarrassed, and mortified over being so embarrassed. He shoved Stan which only made him laugh harder. So he pulled the shower cap of him which didn't make him stop laughing but it did cause him to lunge after it which made Richie join in on the laughter.

They eventually calmed down after Stan had gotten a hold of Richie's glasses. They did a trade so that Richie could regain his vision and Stan retrieved his protective headgear. The light started flickering, possibly meaning the battery was giving up after all. 

"Do you want to talk about it more?" Stan asked as they both stared at the lightsource.

"Yeah…"

"Okay, tell me as much as possible until the light dies" Stan said and made himself as comfortable as possible on the ground. Sitting crosslegged and facing Richie.

"What if it lasts for days like this?" Richie said, still looking at the light.

"Then I'll keep listening"

Richie smiled.

"I think I'm okay for now" Richie stood up and reached out a hand to help his friend up. Stan accepted and stood up, immediately brushing dirt of his pants.

"You sure?" He said looking Richie over, Richie nodded and started walking towards the ladder. They didn't say anything as they climbed up. He could hear Stan crumpling up his cap and the sound of the lights being switched off. They helped each other cover the hatch in grass and then Richie gave Stan his glove back.

"You sure?"

"Yeah, I can keep them in the pockets for the walk home" Richie said.

"I mean, you're sure you're okay now?" Stan said as they started walking towards where Stan had left his bike.

"Yeah… but is it okay if I ask you to talk again sometime?" Richie asked.

Stan just looked at him.

"Since when do you need permission to talk _ Trashmouth _?" Stan smiled as he unlocked his bike and started walking it down the dirt road.

Richie scoffed and kicked at Stan's feet to annoy him. Stan rewarded him a glare.

"Of course you can talk to me Richie" Stan said.

"I'm gonna remind you you said that when I call in the middle of the night to talk about Star Wars" Richie said, earning him another glare from Stan. Richie kept quipping at him the entire way back but his thoughts were whirring inside his head. Although the initial panic had died down, and he felt at ease knowing he had someone who knew and that he could talk to, he still felt unease.

"Richie" Stan said, effectively pulling him out of his head. "You're being an idiot. Just talk to him" 

Richie just grinned and he could tell by Stan's face he already knew the moment of sincerity had passed the moment they stepped onto the main road.

"If you say one word about Mrs Kaspbrak I'm gonna… I swear I'm gonna smack you" Stan added quickly before Richie could say anything.

"Kinky Stanley!" Richie wiggled his eyebrows at him and leaned closer.

"Save that for Eddie" Stan said, gesturing towards Richie's expression which immediately erased it from his face. 

"That's not funny Stan" Richie said while frantically looking around them.

Stan laughed as he lead his bike down the road, then he stopped and looked back.

"I'm actually not trying to be funny" Stan straddled his bike as if ready to take of but stayed put looking at Richie who had frozen in place a few steps behind.

"Just… give it a shot. Think about it on the way home" he said and smiled as he kicked off and disappeared in a blur. 

* * *

It wasn't unusual for Stan and Eddie to arrive early to school, and it wasn't like Richie expected them to just sit quietly while they waited for the others to turn up. They usually did talk more openly than this though, seeing them sitting on a bench huddled together talking intimately scared him. Not that Stan was the kind of guy to reveal other people's secrets but in this case, considering their talk last night, Richie got very suspicious. 

He ran the last steps up to them and made a deal out of sitting down in the middle. Stan looked annoyed, Eddie gave him one brief moment of annoyance before his eyes grew comically big. Just as quickly he turned his head away in embarrassment. That sure wasn't a good sign.

"What were you two whispering about?" Richie asked draping an arm around both of them to try and pull them closer.

"Nothing!" Eddie hissed and shrugged Richie off of him before moving a bit further away on the bench.

Richie switched his attention to Stan, focusing his eyes on his trying to silently ask him what this was about. Stan just glared back, for a split second his eyes grew sympathetic before switching back to annoyance. As if he couldn't decide whether he needed to reprimand Richie for not being able to read a room or be understanding of his situation.

"That's between me and Eddie Rich" Stan said and stood up, collecting his books from beside him and balancing them in his arms as best he could.

Eddie however was still staring intently on his own fingers, scraping dirt out from under the nails to seem preoccupied but Richie could sense he was avoiding him.

The atmosphere seemed tense and Richie could feel the need to start cracking jokes to lift it but he needed to know what Stan had told him. He didn't get to chance to meddle further before Bill and Ben joined their ranks and they had to get to class.

Although it did leave him opportunity to try and grill Stan alone. Holding him back the way Stan had just the other day he waited for the others to get out of earshot before peppering him with questions.

"Did you tell him? About what I said yesterday? What were you talking about?"

Stan ripped his arm free and gave him another look of utter annoyance.

"No" He started walking after the others again but slow enough so that Richie could catch up. "Not everything is about you Richie!" 

Richie put his hands in his pockets and shrugged.

"It just seemed a little suspicious" he shrugged again and Stan seemed to squeeze his eyes shut in order to not not show what he was really feeling, but Richie still knew.

"I know, I'm sorry!" It did seem to relax Stan but the air of annoyance was still present in his tense shoulders.

"Don't just say you're sorry Rich" Stan said shuffling his books to his other side. "Show you mean it"

Richie nodded before grabbing the books from Stan's grip and balanced them up, almost dropping them a few times before getting a good hold.

"Not what i meant" Stan said but made no effort to retake his books "I mean, think things through before you say them sometimes"

Richie smiled.

"Okay, noted" he tried to read the title of the book on top but since it was upside down it proved difficult. He didn't recognize the cover though.

"Why do you have so many books anyway?" 

"Because we're in school Richie"

"I don't have this many books"

Stan pulled them out of his grip as they entered the classroom and glared at him, but this time there was a hint of a smile trying to peek through.

"Not all of us are blessed with the ability to bullshit ourselves through every subject"

Richie just grinned "It's a curse _ and _a blessing"

"_ You _are a curse on society" Stan said as they sat down, this time he really did smile.

There were no vacant seats with the other losers so they ended up a few rows down from them. _ That _turned out to be a curse and a blessing too, since Eddie was still avoiding making eye contact. That did bother Richie a lot. If Stan hadn't told Eddie, then why was Eddie acting like this?

* * *

He almost didn't want to disturb the image before him. Eddie sitting by his desk twirling his pen around, as he bobbed his head in rhythm with whatever music blasted from his walkman. Once more Richie felt overwhelmed by how much he loved him. He felt warm despite the cold outside.

With a smile on his lips he tapped frantically on the window trying to get the other boy's attention. Eddie slipped his headphones around his neck with a confused look before replacing it with a furrowed brow at the sight of his friend. Then he seemed to shift into a slight smile which was refreshing. 

Considering the way he had been acting all day Richie had expected some resistance. Eddie however walked over and opened the window like he usually did, pretending to be annoyed at Richie's presence but not able to hide his smile.

Richie climbed in and fell back on the bed, Eddie sitting down next to him without any indication of the weird behaviour from earlier.

"Thank god, I thought you were mad at me" Richie said and sat up so that they were at eye level.

Eddie seemed to regress back for a second, eyes glued to his hands again.

"Well I've had time to think now" he mumbled and now Richie started feeling tense again. God, was Eddie breaking of their friendship? Was this it?

Then Eddie looked up again, lips pressed like he was thinking hard. Richie was starting to get anxious. Eddie was staring so intently at him, he didn't know where to look. 

Then Eddie suddenly reached out towards his face, and before Richie could react he had grabbed and removed his glasses which just left him with even more questions.

"Why did you take my glasses?"

"Because the last time they hurt my cheek" Eddie said and leaned in.

At first Richie wasn't following, Eddie was just a blur in front of him and it was difficult really knowing what was happening. It was the moment he felt hands sliding into his hair that he started to catch on. He didn't have time to process the information and his eyes grew bigger for every inch Eddie moved. 

It probably took seconds for their lips to collide but for Richie it felt as if Eddie moved in slow motion and when it finally happened he lost his breath completely. 

Imagining kissing Eddie he'd always thought himself to be more suave, taking control or maybe doing anything except just sitting there. 

He definitely hadn't imagined looking so shocked, lips still pouting forward as Eddie pulled back from him. 

Eddie laughed breathilly and put his glasses back on him.

Richie promptly took them off again and pulled Eddie back into another kiss. This time he was prepared and took his time feeling Eddie's mouth between his lips. Eddie responded positively, placing his hand back on the side of Richie's face and somehow pulling them even closer together. As if there were any room left for them to move.

They pulled apart for air and Richie put his glasses back on with shaking hands in order to catch a glimpse of Eddie. Which was absolutely worth it when he saw his rosy cheeks, and his lips glistening with saliva that might actually be Richie's. Eddie might've said something then but Richie's ears were overflowing with the sound of his own frantic heartbeat.

"Why… why did you kiss me?" He asked, breathless and staring at Eddie.

"... just… Stan told me, something about hormones, and we're lucky to know someone we trust and, who… share our preferences" Eddie said, sounding as if he might've been quoting Stan right of the bat.

"'And that I shouldn't overthink it" he added and Richie couldn't help smiling.

"Yeah… I think I've heard that speech" Richie said placing his hand on Eddie's cheek, it felt hot under his palm.

"I'm just really happy you're a better listener" he added and leaned in again. He could feel his glasses bumping against Eddie's nose and understood what Eddie had meant. He laughed breathily and started to pull away to remove them again when Eddie gripped him by the back of his head to pull him back in.

"It's fine" he whispered and kissed him more fiercely and with such determination Richie couldn't argue. Not that he wanted to. This way he could see Eddie's expressions clearly every time they pulled apart for air. Sneaking glances towards his kiss swollen lips. He liked the way Eddie's jagged breaths fogged up the glass as further proof he was just as into it as Richie was. 

Maybe Stan was right, maybe they were right to relish in the opportunity that they knew and trusted someone that also liked men. It didn't have to ruin their friendship. It could just be something they did _ because _they were friends. Not to mention, now that Richie knew what it felt like kissing Eddie, he never wanted to stop. 

They were however startled apart by footsteps approaching outside Eddie's room. 

"Eddiebear?" Richie heard the familiar voice of Sonia Kaspbrak ascending the stairs, one slow and forced step at a time. 

"Crap" Eddie gasped as he ushered Richie back towards the window.

"I forgot it's game night" he laughed and turned to look at the door as he shouted " _ Just a second mom!" _

Meanwhile Richie started climbing back outside but stopped until he could get Eddie's attention one more time.

Eddie turned back to him and seemed to understand exactly what Richie wanted. He leaned over the windowsill and kissed him one more time before pulling back with a smile. It seemed as if he was going to close the window, but as he hesitated Richie pulled him back in, this time for a more chaste kiss.

"Bye" Eddie said closing the window halfway this time.

"Bye" Richie echoed dumbly and couldn't stop staring.

"_ Eddiebear _?" The voice sounded close now. Maybe right outside the bedroom door. 

"I'll be RIGHT THERE!" Eddie snapped, somewhat angrilly before turning back to Richie smiling slightly.

"I really have to go" he said, meanwhile not moving at all.

"Okay" Richie said not leaving either.

They both laughed and leaned in again. Kissing slowly and explorative before they were interrupted by the sound of the door handle being frantically pulled.

"Eddie, did you lock the door?" Mrs Kaspbrak asked and Eddie's eyes twitched.

"I said I'm coming!" He gritted out and gave Richie an apologetic shrug.

"This was fun. I'll see you tomorrow" he said and finally closed the window in its entirety. Richie stayed and watched him walk out to where his mother was waiting.

His heart pounded hard in his chest the entire way home and he couldn't keep the smile of his face. A voice in his head told him this was too risky, that it was a bad idea to have this casual affair with someone you had strong emotions for. But Richie was so very tired of listening to his own stupid voice. For once, he wanted it quiet. He wasn't going to listen. 


	10. Out of the bearded barley

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [](https://ibb.co/JzjzT96)

The thing about getting to make out with your crush since before you even knew what a crush was, was that it quickly got addictive. Man, Richie was pretty sure making out with any guy would've been but this was like hormone meth. They were hormonal teenagers with easy access to a willing participant and they made use of it. As often as they could do it without detection they would meet at each others houses and kiss until they couldn't breathe anymore.

Even Richie's room, which Eddie usually critiqued for being messy and crowded received no complaints when Richie was pressing Eddie to the bedspread. Not that there were any chance of getting a word in regardless, not when Richie kept diving back for more kisses after every short breath. 

Kissing lying down was different than sitting up, there was a lot more body contact and Richie wasn't sure Eddie was even aware of the way he wrapped his leg around Richie. Or the way his hands tugged at Richie's hair when Richie pulled at the others lower lip with his teeth.

Richie tried to wrap his arms around Eddie as well but noticed quickly that it proved difficult when one arm lay pressed to the bed. But since Eddie had allowed Richie to slot between his legs like that it became fairly easy to flip them over so that he ended up on top.

Eddie let out a surprised huff and laughed breathilly as he looked up. Richie didn't give him time to say anything before diving back down, licking exploringly into Eddie's mouth. He couldn't very well wrap his arms around Eddie like this either, but it did give him room to slide both hands up the sides of his torso to which Eddie's body twitched and the grip around Richie's neck got more determined as he pulled Richie back down. He cherished the sound of Eddie panting softly against his mouth between every kiss. Every breath sending shivers down Richie's spine. Their breathing became more laboured the longer they went and with Eddie's iron grip on him Richie could feel every inch of where their bodies pressed together. Could feel Eddie breathing through his heaving chest as much as against his face, and Richie couldn't help the soft gutteral sound that escaped his mouth.

It was involuntarily, he was sure of it but Eddie's hips jerked upwards and Richie once more couldn't keep from whimpering. He pulled back an inch and let his nose drag slowly across Eddie's skin, the other trying to recapture his lips but Richie kept pulling back. Leaning down until he could whisper directly into Eddie's ear.

"How far do you wanna take this?" Cause as far as Richie was concerned he was ready to go. 

Eddie choked, his whole body twitching violently before he quickly pushed Richie's upper body away. Richie, terrified he had done something terribly wrong fumbled after his glasses and put them on in time to see Eddie's beat red face looking stubbornly away. He didn't look mad, just a little… nervous, as he stuttered out a reply. 

"Maybe we should slow down a little" 

Richie could feel the disappointment set like cement in his stomach but nodded nonetheless. After all, they were still just friends who occasionally made out a little, and maybe going further than that was asking too much.

"Yeah. Yeah!" He said and hoped desperately Eddie couldn't detect the disappointment in his voice.

"I mean it's just… a bit much right?"

Richie nodded.

"No, yeah, totally"

The situation was only made more awkward by the fact Richie was still leaning over Eddie, lying between his legs. Propped up on his arms and so close they were still breathing the same oxygen. He was about to get up when Eddie slid his wonderful fingers back into Richie's hair.

"We can still kiss" he said and Richie smiled unsurely as he leaned back down. Capturing the other boys lips in the chastest kiss he'd ever given anyone. He pulled back to pause, then went back in for another kiss, still trying to keep it light. But when Eddie hummed happily against the third kiss Richie quickly sat up and took in a deep breath.

"I need a minute" he said, taking in another breath and releasing it as he closed his eyes.

"Why?" Eddie said, propping his torso up on forearms. Richie bit his lips and shook his head.

"I just… I need a minute to calm down"

"Oh"

Richie could feel the mattress shift but refused to open his eyes. He couldn't look at Eddie right now, probably still looking completely dishevelled on Richie's own fucking bed. Not if he wanted his stubborn erection to subside.

  
  


"Are you…" Eddie trailed off and Richie quickly quipped in with a "Yes!" Before he could say the actual word and send him spiralling down into a deeper pit of mortifying embarrassment. 

"That's fine though, I mean it's normal" Eddie said and Richie had to laugh.

"Yeah but we're not… it would become something else" he said and finally opened his eyes to look at Eddie who had crossed his legs thankfully and was now sitting up straight, facing him.

"Yeah, I guess you're right" he said and sported the most coy smile Richie had ever seen on him.

"What?" Richie said, deadpan.

"So you think I'm hot?" Eddie grinned and Richie could feel all his organs plummet into his ass. He shoved Eddie hard and grimaced. Then he paused, gathering himself so he would appear serious enough before asking.

"You ever think of any of the losers like that? Like sexually" he said, even though what he wanted to ask was 'do you ever think about _ me _like that?', the question too scary and revealing. Eddie swallowed nervously and fidgeted.

Avoiding answering he flipped the question around on Richie instead, which honestly felt like just as much of a confession, but richie let it slide.

"Have you?" He asked, his brown eyes seering into Richie.

"I'm kinda thinking about it right now" Richie answered, feeling as if lying was pointless.

Eddie kept his gaze locked on him as he advanced and pushed Richie down this time. Straddling him effortlessly and rejoining their lips. 

Richie should've stopped him considering what they _ just _talked about, but god he did not want to. Not even when his head connected with the footboard and caused him to bend his neck in the worst possible angle. He didn't care, that was tomorrow Richie's problem. Eddie did notice though and pulled them back up into a sitting position. Which was probably safer, except for the fact Eddie was still sitting in his lap. 

The thing Richie had learnt about kissing was that it was way more intimate to kiss someone laying down. Except Richie could just throw all the things he had learnt about kissing out the window apparently because this was a new kind of intimate. Eddie's obsession with Richie's hair seemed to take pause because now his hands were wandering down his torso and ended up resting on the taller boys hips. Thankfully due to Richie being so tall Eddie was no longer sitting on Richie but was instead resting his weight on his shins. Which meant Richie could quite easily slide his hands up Eddie's thighs and grab a handful of his ass without really thinking about it. For some unfathomable reason Eddie didn't stop him but as if Richie had pushed some kind of button Eddie's arms flew up and took an almost forceful grip around Richie's neck as he deepened their kiss. Richie let his arms travel and with just as much determination as Eddie, wrapped his arms around Eddie's waist to pull him closer. Eddie loosing his balance slightly slumped down into sitting again and let out a startled yelp. Both boys being alarmingly reminded of how they were supposed to take a minute to… calm down. 

Eddie held himself back again but rested his hands on Richie's shoulders which he took some comfort in. The fact that Eddie didn't catapult into the other end of the room was probably a good sign. 

"We, eh… we were gonna stick to just kissing" Eddie seemed to remind himself just as much as he reminded Richie. Richie still feeling extremely embarrassed just nodded and pushed Eddie off of himself in order to sit on the edge of the bed.

"Maybe we could play a game" Richie said, his voice coming out hoarse and strained. 

He cleared his throat and smiled sheepishly.

"I'm… just gonna go to the bathroom first"

* * *

For the most part Richie was living the dream. Sneaking kisses between classes when they were sure no one could see, thrilling, dangerous, exciting. Leaving Loser hangouts together so they could kiss goodbye and if they were lucky and their parents were out, get to make out in the house for a while. Paradise. For the most part.

For the most part Richie was experiencing something he never though he'd ever get to do and for the most part he was happy with that.

He got to kiss Eddie when it was convenient but nothing more, they didn't hold hands, careful not to give each other looks that were too meaningful. And they didn't tell the others because why would they? They were just having fun. They weren't boyfriends. 

_ They weren't boyfriends. _

And that was the remaining part, the nightmare. 

Richie used to think he couldn't possibly love Eddie more than he already did but then Eddie kissed him. He smiled with his nose scrunched up as they pulled apart and gave Richie those unlawful bedroom eyes, that convinced Richie he was gonna die from asking too much of his poor heart. 

But they were just friends. Friends who made out sometime. 

If Richie was going to be honest with himself, which he rarely was, then he'd confess that this was gonna kill him. The alternative however was never kissing Eddie again and he just couldn't give that up. Not now that he knew what it felt like. 

Then it would be all nightmare, and that was a puzzle he'd gladly put on a shelf, never to look at again. 

That weekend the Losers had little to no money between them so they ended up hanging out in Mikey's old barn. The one were they kept the supplies over winter but as it were now, it was still fairly vacant. So they were strewn out in various positions over some balls of hay. Bill seated in a bag of seeds like a beanbag chair and Ben who still didn't dare sit on anything that could potentially break sat on his jacket on the gritty floor. Eddie was still standing.

"Come on Eddie, it's just dirt" Mike said and smiled at him as he handed out beers from a cooler his grandpa had forgot they had. 

"I'm sorry, do you not hear the words coming out of your own mouth?" Eddie asked incredulously, hand gestures coming a mile a minute. 

"Then sit in the hay!" Richie shouted through laughter as he pulled some out from under his head and threw it in Eddie's direction. The thing about hay though is that the strands weigh very little separately and therefore quickly lose momentum, causing most to fall back into his own face or unimpressively close to where his gangly body lay spread.

Eddie scoffed.

"Do you know how many bugs live in those?" Eddie asked and at the mention of bugs Stan seemed to twitch in his seat before joining Ben on the ground. Using his sweater as a cushion.

Mike had driven them to the farm in his grandpa's old truck, so most of them had chosen not to bring extra clothes. Which meant Eddie didn't bring much clothes except the jacket he was wearing, and although it wasn't cold per say, the barn wasn't warm enough to sit in nothing put a short sleeved polo. Richie smiled mischievously and when he was sure he had caught Eddie's eyes he wiggled his eyebrows and patted his belly.

"Come here Eddiebear! You can use me as a cushion" at this both Bill and Stan choked on their drinks, Bill even going as far as to spit some out. It dribbled down his chin and Eddie would've looked disgusted if he wasn't so busy staring at Richie.

"I don't… first! Don't _ ever _ call me _ Eddiebear" _he said through clenched teeth, seemingly not sure what he wanted to scold Richie for first. Even Richie had to admit, using Mrs K's famous nickname was a blow too low, so he nodded in agreement but kept grinning nonetheless.

"Second!" Eddie screeched a little louder before Mike stood up to stop the argument.

"Guys, there's some cushions in the shed" he made an attempt to go towards the doors when Richie shot up and grabbing Eddie by the arm and ran. 

"We'll get them!" He shouted and ignored Eddie's weak protests as he got pulled out of the barn. 

Outside was cold so Richie didn't stop until they stood right next to the small shed. Adjacent to what looked like what could've been an outhouse once upon a time but that now held more supplies by the looks of it. 

"Why don't they just tear it down and build a larger shed?" Eddie asked as he stood shivering, arms crossed tightly around himself to preserve some heat. 

"Maybe they're thinking they might need to use it some day, like if the toilet breaks" Richie said as he fiddled with the door's hook.

"It's kinda smart actually, everyone should have one" he finished as he swung the door open and pulled Eddie inside.

"Ew" was Eddie's response right before Richie silenced him with his lips. Eddie instinctively kissed him back for a second before pulling back and slapping Richie's arm.

"Our friends are _ right there _" He said, but with none of the usual bite.

"Really? I know I'm basically blind but I don't see them" Richie quipped and Eddie made a sound as if he was forcing himself not to laugh in order to keep his point.

"Richie, they could walk in here" Eddie mumbled but seemed less convincing as he kept his eyes firmly on Richie's mouth.

"They won't" Richie said and pulled Eddie further into the small shed. Almost tripping over some boots and a bucket.

"See, this is what I mean" Eddie mumbled, eyelids half closed.

"They could get a much larger shed if they tore down the wall separating the outhouse"

Richie hummed, hardly paying attention. His eyes glimmered as he saw some thick, flat squares of fabric propped up to said wall.

"Found the cushions" he whispered and promptly pushed Eddie up against them. The other boy let out a huff which was quickly replaced by a hitch of breath. The dark room silent except for the sound of their mouths colliding. Eddie's leg slid carelessly between Richie's and he had to stop kissing to reluctantly guide the leg back to the wall.

"Whoa there, dangerous" he laughed breathily and dove back in, trying not to think about how much he hated having to stop him. It was for his own sanity, he thought.

When they came back to the barn Bill was already a little tipsy and seemed to be telling Mike something with tears threatening to fall out of his eyes. Richie quickly decided that he did not have the mentality to deal with that now, so he beelined over to where Ben and Stan were seated and dropped the cushions over their heads.

"Did you have trouble finding them?" Stan asked as he gratefully accepted one and pulled his sweater back on. After slapping as much dirt as he could out of it.

"Little bit" Richie said and shrugged.

Eddie kicked him in the shin and sat down on his own cushion. 

"You were gone a long time" Ben said and Eddie gave him a stern look.

"Well sorry, we didn't bring a flashlight and it was dark" Eddie lied and Richie was kinda impressed of how easy that came to him. Then again, with a mother like Sonia Kaspbrak, lying was probably a necessity. Richie was about to sit down too when Stanley suddenly stood up and dragged Richie back up by his arm as he went. 

Richie stumbled for a second before looking at Stan with confusion, rivaled only by Ben and Eddie's looks of frozen shock. 

"Can I talk with you for a minute?" Stan asked and without waiting for a response started pulling Richie away from the others.

"Are you guys dating, then why are you being all secretive?" Stan asked, arms crossed over his chest. By all accounts, they had both come out to them days prior so it would be strange for them not to have told their friends if they were. Richie agreed, but they weren't dating.

"What makes you think we would be?" Richie asked nonchalantly "do you think all gay guys naturally must date?"

"Cut the crap Rich, I'm way too nestled in the middle of this not to notice something's different" Stan said, and it was apparent he wasn't particularly happy about being involved, but committed nonetheless.

Richie shrugged.

"We've made out a couple times"

"And?"

"No, that's it"

Stan's brow furrowed in concern.

"We're just friends who kiss… like you said, we're not overthinking it"

The concern started growing on Stan's features and Richie wanted desperately to wipe it away.

"That's not exactly what I intended" Stan seemed to mutter and then shook his head with a sigh.

"Are you sure this is a good idea Richie?" _ No, it's very possibly a very bad, no good, terrible idea. _

"Positive" he said and slapped Stan's arm with a big smile before going back to the others.

It wasn't super surprising that Stan would notice, considering what Richie had confined in him, but just to be sure he decided to not sit down next to Eddie. 

He almost threw himself next to Bill on the bag of seed, who was holding Mike in a bone crushing hug. At the motion of someone joining them he quickly turned his head and yeah, he was definitely crying a little. Bill pulled Richie into the hug as well, mumbling about how much he loved them. Richie and Mike shared a look before bursting into laughter. 

"Yeah, yeah. We love you too buddy" Richie said as he patted Bill on the back, but his eyes focused on Eddie who was deep in conversation. 

"We love you too"


	11. The one with the one on one's

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Richie's self esteem is fucking everything up, and everyone gets to have a one on one conversation with Richie.
> 
> [](https://ibb.co/dm2bk6z)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> EDIT I made some "chapter mood boards" for fun, but I'm not sure if they take away from the story. Please give me feedback if they are a fun addition, or if you prefer to let the imagination fill you in and they get in the way. I want to know what the readers think!

For the most part they tried avoiding kissing on a bed, though it still happened. Richie was absolutely okay with Eddie not wanting to do anything else but he couldn't deny it was starting to get frustrating. Not necessarily because he was so desperate to get to third base either, because they were definitely past second by now. 

Sure he'd like to, but he was content playing by himself for a bit longer. His little league coach had specifically told him he was a terrible team player anyway. 

No, the issue was that the just kissing rule made it so perfectly clear that they were just messing around. That Eddie wouldn't be kissing Richie if he had any other prospects hanging around. Whenever things would develop naturally Eddie would pump the brakes and everytime Richie would get flung out of his fantasy that this was genuine. 

So as it happened once again, when they had tired of algebra and had started making out on Eddie's carpeted floor. And on Eddie's instigation moved to the bed to avoid rug burns. Richie had fallen for temptation of exposed, undiscovered skin and kissed Eddie's neck tentivaley, which Eddie had seemed to like. Spurred on, Richie had daringly tested the waters by biting softly into the skin which Eddie seemed to _ really like. _Which unfortunately had the opposite effect of what Richie had hoped for. Eddie had flung himself off of Richie, covering his neck with his shaking hand. Eyes big and surprised and let out an indignant shriek of his best friends name. 

And now they were stationed at either side of the small bed, Eddie poking at a defeated Richie with his toe while Richie stubbornly lay face down into the mattress, grumbling in epic frustration.

"Richie… we agreed-"

"But _ why _?" Richie whined, finally popping his head out from it's shallow grave.

"I just…" Eddie retracted his outstretched limb in order to hug the pair of them close to his body.

"It's not like you didn't check me out at the showers yesterday? So you can't be completely appalled by the idea!" Richie said. It wasn't fair, he knew it wasn't fair to push it and yet he couldn't stop his stupid mouth from spouting the usual garbage. Eddie's face flushed at the implication which sort of confirmed that Richie was right in his assumption that the quick glance he had caught in the locker room wasn't imagined. At least Eddie didn't think he was completely ugly.

"It's not like I don't think about it, I just don't want to go through with it" Eddie sputtered and looked at the wall beside them, avoiding Richie's gaze.

Richie's heart sank, whatever small hope that was ignited by the idea that Eddie had snuck a glance at his naked frame was snuffed out instantly. If Eddie had in a weak moment thought about them together it had apparently scared him straight. The idea of being intimate with a Trashmouth probably had that effect. Richie would have to come to terms with being a virgin forever. He rolled over on his side, away from Eddie.

He had thought he was living the dream, that all was worth it because not getting to kiss Eddie was worse. Yet he was starting to feel this was the actual nightmare. What started out thrilling and beautiful was starting to sour everytime he got reminded they were still just friends. Warping and shifting into heartache where his mind and heart disagreed on everything. His heart told him he was sad but his mind said he was happy and it was driving him crazy.

"I think we should stop doing this" he said, still not facing Eddie but he could sense his eyes had shifted back to him and was staring a hole into the back of Richie's head. Richie stayed put, the emotional toll was starting to get too much for him to handle, and he wasn't sure if he could help himself from crying if he looked at Eddie.

"Oh" he heard Eddie say, unreadable. 

Then Richie felt a firm kick to his back causing him to almost fall of the bed, but he managed to catch himself and quickly sat up facing his assaulter, who was fuming.

"What the fuck Eds?" Richie said his inner turmoil quickly overruled by anger.

"Asshole!" Eddie shrieked and kicked him again.

"What?!"

"Just because I won't sleep with you, you just want to stop?!" _ No _ , _ that wasn't it. _

"What? You're so desperate to fuck, it doesn't even matter that we've been friends since _kindergarten? _Is that all I am to you?" Eddie was basically screaming, his voice breaking and his face flushed in anger this time.

Richie could feel himself losing his own temper at these very unfair accusations but it wasn't as if he could redeem himself either. Not without exposing himself. So he just glared at Eddie and got up from the bed. Doing what he did best, run away from his problems.

"You know what, fuck this" he muttered, picking up his bag and flung it over his shoulder. But what Eddie said next stopped him in his tracks.

"I knew this was a bad idea" Eddie seemed to mutter more to the room than to Richie. Who finally lost the tiny bit of composure he'd managed to cling to.

"_ You _ kissed _ me _first!" He shouted, clenching his fists in preparation in case an actual fight would ensue. Eddie stayed seated and kept glaring. 

"Seriously? Like you had no part in this?" Eddie spat and crossed his arms.

"Well _ I had thought about it" _ Richie said snidely, mirroring what Eddie had said priorly "but it's not like I _ was going to go through with it". _

At that Eddie snapped and threw his alarm clock at Richie. It wasn't very big and made out of a somewhat light plastic so it only hurt slightly, but Richie flinched nonetheless. Instinctively letting the word "psycho" escape his lips before flipping Eddie off as he ripped the door open. He vaguely registered Eddie reciprocating the gesture before running down the stairs and out of the Kaspbrak residence. Before Mrs K could come back from shopping and personally castrate him for upsetting her baby boy. 

Not that Eddie was innocent in this mess, he was… actually the details of their fight was already getting fuzzy, drowned out by the notion that he was just really pissed off. Fuck!

* * *

In some part of his subconscious Richie knew his request that they'd stop was expressed poorly, and ill timed. The other much louder part was still angry at Eddie for jumping to conclusions. So the next time they saw each other the air was as frosty as when he'd left the Kaspbraks. It felt surreal, how yesterday they were kissing and now they were not only _ not kissing _ but didn't even talk. 

It became evidently clear that Eddie was not about to apologize and neither was Richie. So the next time Bill suggested they'd all go to the video rental and then watch a movie at his place, Eddie gave a flimsy excuse that he was grounded. It could've been true, sure, but Richie knew he was avoiding hanging out with him. So the day after that when Ben invited them over to his place Richie declined, saying his grandma was coming over.

The times they did hang out as a group, which was mostly at school these days, the atmosphere was thick and uncomfortable and it didn't take the others long before they caught on. 

Mike was the first to comment on it. Since he didn't hang out with them at school he had noticed Eddie and Richie's lack of interaction first. Richie was helping out loading up boxes for Mike's grandpa for some extra cash, and so it was just the two of them when he finally brought it up.

"Did something happen with you guys?" Richie flinched, Mike didn't even have to say his name for Richie to know who he meant.

"No" he lied, but without his usual theatrics it fell on deaf ears. 

"I haven't seen both of you for over a week now" Mike said, and it was the first time Richie got a time period for their fight. It felt like too little and too much time all at once. 

"We just fought, we always fight" Richie said and shrugged.

"Yeah but it usually passed by now. You guys are too addicted to each other to not hang out for this long" 

Richie paused then nodded.

"I suppose it's a little worse this time" 

At the alarmed look on Mike's face Richie forced himself to smile and bump Mike's shoulder good naturedly.

"Dude, chill. We'll get over it!" He said loudly and grinned 

"He just has to learn to share…" then he paused for effect, which meant Mike knew exactly what was coming even before Richie proudly added "his mom!".

Mike gave a sight.

"This is why you need Eddie, that shit only works on him"

Richie scrunched up his face.

"It's a joke. It's not just for Eddie-"

"But it is" Mike smiled "you love getting a rise out of him"

Richie's smile faltered again.

"Well fuck you then! I was trying to lighten the fucking mood here"

Mike just smiled at him and tossed him another box of chicken fodder. 

  
  


* * *

The second person to notice was surprisingly Wentworth Tozier. 

Richie was home early again, as he once more had ditched out of hanging out after school. His dad had just entered the hall when Richie first noticed the strange look his dad was giving him.

Figuring he had done something his parents thought warranted a scolding he turned off the tv and went for the stairs. Not having the energy for this right now and if his dad wanted to start something Richie wouldn't make it easy.

"Richard" 

Richie turned, prepared with an arsenal of salty teenage responses which he all promptly lost at the look on his dad's face. It wasn't stern or disappointed, not even angry. He looked uncomfortable and concerned. Which was a new look on him.

"Richie, did you and-" he seemed to swallow nervously, visibly very out of his element.

"Did you and Eddie break up?" He finally managed and Richie lost his breath for a second.

"what?" The words following his exhale so quietly Wentworth wouldn't have heard it if the rest of the house hadn't been quiet, as if in a vacuum.

"I just noticed he hasn't come around lately… and you've been down" Richie could feel his lungs tighten and muscles tense as he stared at his dad looking as if he wanted this conversation just as little as Richie did. He was trying, he didn't know what he was doing but then again neither did Richie.

"We were never…" Richie started, still disbelieving the conversation. He had come out, but he never figured his dad would ever willingly bring it up again.

Then he caught himself thinking about Sonia Kaspbrak. A sudden fear that his dad would accidentally tell her something that might out Eddie gripped him, and he quickly changed his response.

"Eddie doesn't like me like that… he's not like me" it was half true anyway.

He was about to continue upstairs, wanting nothing more than to pretend this conversation never happened.

"But you like him… like that?" His dad asked, looking less uncomfortable and more pitying. Somehow that was worse. 

"Dad. Can we just not talk about this!" Richie snapped back, raising his voice for the first time during this… it wasn't really an argument, unless Richie made it one soon.

But his dad nodded and removed his foot from the lower step where he had rested it. As if signaling he was going towards Richie somehow, even when standing still. 

It was weird, Richie thought as he ascended to his bedroom. His dad and him had a rowdy, joking relationship. They were similar in that aspect, rather cracking jokes than face reality. He supposed his dad had other sides too, Richie was pretty sure he prefered the inappropriate jokes. 

* * *

The third person to address the issue wasn't a surprise at all. The only surprise was that it had taken him this long to approach the subject. 

Stan halted Richie in their familiar corridor, which had started to become standard for them now, furrowing his brows.

"It blew up in your face didn't it?" He asked, releasing his grip on Richie's arm. Richie could feel the budding annoyance start to blossom in his chest.

"The fuck is that supposed to mean?" Richie said instead of answering and Stan gave him a meaningful look. Refusing to explain what they both already knew.

"This is basically your fault anyway" Richie grumbled and at that moment the ounce of sympathy and well meaning Stan had carried was thrown to the wind. Exchanged for shock.

"You were the one who told him to kiss me" Richie hissed because he just couldn't help himself. What followed was the most pissed of expression Richie had ever seen on his friend. Brows furrowed so deep Richie thought he'd catch fire under Stan's heated gaze. He immediately saw his error.

"Don't you dare-" Stan had started, breath coming out in angry huffs and Richie quickly switched his expression from flippant to apologetic in the blink of an eye.

  
  


"I know! Shit! I'm so sorry Stan!" He flung his arms around the still tense frame of his friend.

"It's not your fault, it's mine! I'm just really fucked right now. I'm sorry" 

Struck with the sudden thought he couldn't lose Stan too. He felt desperate to make amends for the blunders of his stupid mouth, that once again proved to be his worst enemy. It was also the first time he confessed to himself that this whole fight might've been mostly his dumb fault anyway. And he had let it go on for so long he didn't know if he could salvage it.

Stan tensely shifted and hugged him back for a second before shoving him away again.

Pointing his finger at Richie like a strict preschool teacher he jabbed the air once for emphasis before firmly stating.

"Don't you ever say that shit to me again" 

And Richie could only agree, even when he knew it was a promise he couldn't make. 

* * *

Eventually hanging out together in between classes became too much for him as well. Especially with the new realization that maybe he wasn't so angry at Eddie anymore, but Eddie was as mad as ever. As he approached the lunch table where they usually sat he felt a surge of relief that Eddie wasn't there yet. In fact no one was except for Bill who was busy writing some short story in his notebook. 

"You should kill the main character, for a plot twist!" Richie exclaimed to announce his presence.

"The m-main characters is a child" Bill said but cracked a smile. Richie feigned a gasp.

"Scandalous! People will talk about it for decades!"

Bill just shook his head and grinned as he put his stuff in his backpack now that he had company.

Bill thankfully didn't mention Eddie or whatever was happening between them. Even when he clearly also knew something was up. When he thought Richie couldn't see, he was looking at him with a kind of worry. As if he was thinking very hard about it and trying to figure it out for himself. But as soon as Richie turned his head towards him he just smiled and nodded along to whatever Richie was saying. It was an agreement between them, from childhood. Prone to ending up intensely disagreeing Bill and Richie usually didn't push the other to talk about the important stuff. It was just better that way. 

When Stan and Ben arrived the uneasy feeling started to return. Richie got less talkative as he focused on finishing his food so he could leave before…

The table shook as Eddie sat down on opposite side of where Richie sat. Like he wanted Richie to notice his arrival, and notice that he pointedly did not look at him. It made the insides of his stomach churn and Richie worried he'd throw his lunch back up.

Richie stood up, becoming the focus of everyone's attention. For a second even Eddie got caught off guard and met his eyes, before stubbornly staring into his mac and cheese. There was a pasta joke there Richie didn't have the privilege to make anymore.

"I have to study for the test, I'm going to the library" he said and grabbed his bag which spilled some of its content as he had failed to close it. As he collected the last of his lose pencils he heard Bill whisper to Stan.

"_ He never has to study for tests _" 

Richie stormed off before he thought to actually question Richie directly and the last thing he heard was Bill asking Eddie what was up, who in turn just scoffed in response. 

* * *

Richie _ never _studied for tests. And yet always managed to ace them. He had that annoying ability to just remember by association what he'd heard in class. Usually he skimmed the pages the night before and it stuck long enough for him to jot the answers down. He had like a photographic memory in a sense, where he could see the layout of a page and remember what he read next to a certain picture. Stan said it was a gift he didn't deserve but he also theorised that his obnoxious attitude in class actually derived from him having it too easy. The point being, Richie never studied.

He had gone to the library anyway, as he had said. Slouching down in one of the rows, using the shelves as a backrest. 

So now he couldn't even be at school with Eddie. 

Maybe he didn't need to be. Maybe he'd just drop out and start selling drugs or something. Although he supposed there was a lot of math in that too. Maybe he'd just work at McDonalds.

"Hi Richie" Ben's voice came from the other side of the shelves and as Richie looked really close he could see his smiling eyes between the book spines.

"Why are you over there?" Richie asked, sort of thankful he didn't have to be alone with his thoughts.

"I wanted to come check if everything was alright" Ben said and Richie roughly removed some books so that he could see his whole face. Ben yelped in surprise but quickly recovered and smiled stiffly.

"I didn't mean here at the library, I mean _ there, _on the other side of the shelf" Richie said and flipped his finger against Ben's round nose. He knew he was being kind of a dick, but he was a bit fed up with everyone looking at him like he was dying or something.

"Oh… I thought maybe you wanted to be alone" Ben said, rubbing his nose.

"And yet you followed me and _ talked _to me" Richie said, raising his eyebrows. Ben's face turned red and he looked uncomfortable which wasn't Richie's intention so he smiled and gave a head jerk that he hoped looked like an invitation to join him. Ben seemed onboard and disappeared for a second before reappearing on Richie's side. He sat down next to him and offered him a carrot from his lunch which he had brought. Richie didn't want a carrot but he took one anyway. He kept it between his lips like a cigarette and said nothing. 

Ben ate his lunch silently as well.

Maybe it was because he didn't ask him what was wrong or what happened, but he decided to tell Ben anyway. 

He snapped the carrot in half with his teeth pulling Ben's attention and then the words began to flow. Maybe that made sense, Ben the romantic, the guy you told about your romantic problems.

"I'm in love with Eddie. We've been making out but we're just sort of friends with benefits and when I wanted to stop, because it was kind of breaking my heart, I fucked up and made it sound like it was because he wouldn't have sex with me" he took in a deep breath and started laughing.

"Fuck that's sappy!" He covered his mouth trying to stiffen the laugh. Ben just stared at him wide eyed. The biggest surprise though was that he looked confused. It didn't seem like it would be that confusing, did it?

"You're not together?" Ben asked, a half eaten carrot abandoned between his fingers. He didn't seem to think of putting it down so he just sort of held it there. Richie used his own half of carrot to jokingly toast them together before popping his piece in his mouth. It did seem to pull Ben from his paralysis.

"I thought you guys got together years ago" Ben said more surely this time and Richie gave him a questioning look. Ben didn't even know they were gay years ago... Unless, maybe he did.

"You're like… so in love with each other" Ben said, a dumb little smile on his face. Richie shook his head.

"Perhaps you didn't hear me Benny boy. I love him, he doesn't love me"

Ben looked bewildered and unconvinced which made Richie snicker.

"Besides we literally told you guys when we came out that we weren't together"

The bewilderment just seemed to grow on Ben's features.

"I thought you were joking!" He said. Richie just shook his head.

"We're not together" he repeated for what felt like the hundredth time. Why did everyone keep assuming that? As if the world wanted to make sure Richie had to tell everyone he knew that Eddie Kaspbrak wasn't his boyfriend. To really rub it in.

Well fuck the universe! Richie could handle whatever torture curveball it was going to throw at him!

"Well… I figured I'd find Ben here but what is Trashmouth doing in the library. Are you lost?" A soft voice floated in from the main hall as a shadow fell on them. Ben toppled the rest of his carrots out of their container and out on the floor as he rushed to stand up. Stammering out happy syllables as Richie stayed frozen on the floor.

So the universe tried to throw him for a spin anyway. He may have been prepared for torture, so they threw him a happy curveball instead. 

Her hair was slightly longer and held up by small clasps that made her red strands stand out like a fan in the back. Otherwise she looked the same, warm and familiar and back in Derry with the rest of them.

Richie stood up on shaky legs as he recalled their latest conversation which ended badly.

"Fucking Beverly Marsh!" He shrieked and flung himself into her arms. It didn't matter what their last conversation was like. It didn't matter at all. 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> It can't all be smooth sailing, sorry. But hey! BEV'S BACK BABY!


	12. Gay Culture

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Watching your crush dance with someone else is gay culture
> 
> [](https://ibb.co/3r9kpKn)

Some hopeful part of Richie, had thought they would all just immediately go back to normal once Beverly joined the gang. 

Bill would be too distracted by her to give Richie worried glances when he thought he didn't see.

No such luck, the boy showed remarkable multitasking skills for… well a boy. Especially one with a long lasting crush. Richie was in awe, if Eddie just started talking to him again he was pretty sure he'd lose the ability to tie his shoes as compensation. However Bill could fawn over Beverly and yet, every time he looked away from her in feign casuality he'd be reminded of Richie and Eddie's fight and get that look on his face. Maybe that wasn't so weird, when said boys who were usually attached at the hips sat on opposite sides of the losers gang. Facing away from each other. 

Richie had thought, that maybe Eddie would be so happy to see Beverly he'd just forget about their fight. 

Well, he had been happy to see Bev! Now it just contrasted even worse with how angry he was with Richie.

Richie sighed to himself which immediately drew Beverly's attention. They sat at a diner, drinking sodas as they were waiting for Mike and Stan to get there. So they could hang out as a group.

"Okay guys, I'm gonna be here the entire weekend. We need to go to the Capitol, and I wanna see the clubhouse-"

"Why?" Bill interrupted, successfully wiping the proud smile from Ben's face from when the clubhouse was brought up. Which was the harshest accidental burn Richie had ever heard so he pulled himself together long enough to add to the conversation.

"Because it's part of the losers club Bill! Besides she might want to fulfill some old sex fantasy! You don't know!" He said gesticulating wildly.

"Beep beep Richie" Bev said, which felt like a slap to the face. Richie hadn't been beeped for years now. Not because he didn't need to be verbally stopped anymore but because, as they grew older they all realized it was more effective to just swear at him. Or as Stan preferred, stare him into submission. It was such a shock it actually worked and he stared at her dumbfounded. The others seemed as if they too were shaken out of a weird dream.

Bev looked around searching for an answer.

"What?" She said, smiling unsurely.

"Man I forgot about beep beep" Bill said and laughed.

"You don't use it?" Beverly asked and both Bill and Ben seemed to try and find the reason they stopped.

Richie glanced at Eddie, who was staring at him. When their eyes met he promptly looked away.

Richie hated to be beeped, it made him feel stupid and infantilized. He'd told Eddie all of this a few years back and Eddie had stopped using it. Eventually they all stopped, but only Eddie knew why. 

Eddie didn't say anything as the others started cracking jokes about it. Richie cracked a smile and tried to join in on the jokes, ignoring the weight on his chest as Bev grabbed his nose and beeped teasingly. It wasn't her fault, he thought. She didn't know how it made him feel.

"We stopped because it's stupid" Eddie suddenly shouted, exasperated.

"It's childish and what does that even fucking mean?" He was fuming and chopping the air with his outstretched palm. 

"We're old enough to just tell someone when they say something stupid aren't we? Hold a fucking conversation" he snapped and stared the others down. Bev let go of Richie's cheeks and smiled.

"Wow, okay" she said and sat back down in her own seat.

Richie tried to catch Eddie's eyes to thank him, but he pointedly avoided him. Assumingly still mad. 

"He h-has a point" Bill said and Beverly nodded. 

As Mike and Stan arrived they had to move to another booth to fit everyone in. It was still too small and before they could protest Richie and Eddie ended up squeezed together in the middle. It felt oddly orchestrated. 

" _ Thank you" _ Richie whispered, Eddie twitched once before shoving him as far away as the booth let him.

" _ Don't breathe in my ear _ " he hissed before engaging in a conversation with Mike on his right. Richie felt a pang of new anger arise. He was kind of trying to reconcile here, why was Eddie being so stubborn? He promptly turned his back to Eddie as much as he could and turned to Ben. Who was caught of guard as he had been staring at Beverly.

"Benny, what you lookin at?" Richie purred suggestively causing Ben to blush. He didn't get to prod any deeper into teasing Ben before Bev exclaimed:

"Okay seriously, what is going on here?" Gesturing between him and Eddie. 

"Richie is an asshole" Eddie answered quickly, before Richie had even realized to what Beverly referred. 

"He's  _ always  _ an asshole" Beverly answered but didn't seem to think it was worth going any deeper as to why they were fighting. To be fair, Beverly was the only one who didn't know how long they had been like this. So for her it probably seemed normal.

So Richie had no time to defend himself before she continued. 

"We should go to homecoming together" she said happily, switching topics so fast Richie was pretty sure she had been waiting for an opportunity to bring it up all day.

The boys spluttered and choked on their drinks in varying degrees of surprise.

They had no intention of going, they had been so uninterested in it they didn't even know the theme.

But Bev was unrelenting.

"Come on! I want to see the old school again!" She beamed at them. Stan seemed to be the only one not uncomfortable with the concept. Mike was ecstatic.

"Technically you didn't go to this building" Bill tried to argue. Bev was having none of it.

"It's the same grounds isn't it" she said.

"We don't need tickets or formal wear to hang out at the grounds" Richie tried to pitch in, not wanting to get all dressed up just to be sad in a suit instead of his usual clothes.

"We can sneak into the junior building for a look around! Come on!" Beverly tried to coax.

  
  


"I want to see it too!" Mike said excitedly and because of that they all knew they couldn't argue.

It was heartbreaking enough every time Mike commented on missing out on stuff in school. That he wished he could study with them instead of alone, go to class. It had gotten to the point where Richie couldn't even complain about school with Mike, without feeling guilty and privileged. 

So when Mike said he wanted to go, they were going. 

* * *

Bev was going as Richie's plus one. 

Mike was excused from the system since everyone in administration knew him, but since Beverly wasn't a student she needed to go with someone in order to be let in. They both knew that had she chosen either Ben or Bill it would've been trouble, so it was just easier this way. It wasn't as if Richie had anyone else to go with even if he had time to ask someone.

In general they were all going as a group though.

It was just semantics.

So Beverly was going with Richie and she was lounging on his parents bed. Spread out over the flowery bedspread like she was right at home, waiting for Richie to find a last minute jacket among his dad's clothes. He had outgrown his own suit jacket in the arms pretty recently and it wasn't as if he thought he'd need one this soon. Technically the pants were a bit short too but he figured he could make that a look with some fun socks.

"What are you gonna wear anyway?" Richie asked as he chimmied into a pinstriped jacket that was way too large around the shoulders.

She sat up quickly, seemingly in thought before getting up and sticking her head out of the room.

"Mrs Tozier! Can I borrow a dress?" She shouted and it only took seconds for his mother to appear, beaming.

"Of course dear!" Maggie said, immediately starting to pull out dresses from the very back of her wardrobe. Dresses Richie vaguely remembered from pictures of his mom in the 70s. Watching her happily dress up Beverly, Richie felt a pang of guilt explode in his chest. Beverly was the closest thing Richie would ever bring home as a surrogate daughter for her, the daughter she always wanted. 

"You know I always thought you two would end up together" his mom said, pulling him out of his thoughts.

Beverly stifled a laugh and met Richie's eyes which caused a laugh to bubble up in his throat as well.

"We're not together mom" he said, grinning in amusement.

"I'm more like his beard!" Beverly said smugly and winked his way. Richie's heart fell. 

"What is that?" His mom asked confused and thankfully, Bev seemed to catch the look of despair on Richie's face as she quickly changed expression from smug to nervous, and dismissed it as a term for a close friend.

Maggie Tozier bought it and quickly switched her focus to finding accessories that matched the light blue dress they settled on. As she disappeared to get more shoes from the attic, Beverly quickly joined Richie on the bed.

"I'm so sorry Richie, I guess I thought she knew" by the sheer size of her eyes he knew she meant it sincerely, but he was still baffled by how Bev knew.

"How did you know?" He decided to ask, she just shrugged.

"We're best friends Richie… I know you" 

It was strangely relieving, he'd been trying to think of a way to tell her ever since she arrived. It had felt weird not to tell her when the others knew. Still, it was alarming that she already knew. That meant it might be noticeable. 

"Then how come you never called?" he said instead, trying to push down the worry and focus on something present.

"I don't know… it's weird, it's like my mind tried to keep me from remembering" she said, solemnly staring at her bare feet.

"So you  _ did _ forget?" 

She swallowed.

"Not on purpose" 

He squeezed her hand, before getting up and changing into a beige jacket.

"That one's too big too" she said, he shrugged.

"Oversized is sort of in" Richie said and turned to look at himself in the mirror. It wasn't as if it really mattered what he wore anyway. He wasn't gonna swoon anyone at that dance, and the only one he wanted to swoon still refused to look at him.

* * *

As they arrived at the dance they all sort of froze at the entrance. The theme, still unclear, seemed to involve the colour scheme red and gold. That wasn't what stopped them however. In the spirit of homecoming a balloon arch had been set up by the entrance, and they all seemed to feel the same sort of chill down their spine.

"I fucking swear, if the theme is circus I'm going home!" Richie exclaimed loudly and Stan seemed to nod in agreement.

"Are you scared of the circus?" Beverly joked and grabbed him by the arm. There was a hint of uncertainty in her tone, as if maybe she too wasn't too fond of the idea.

"I don't like clowns" Richie said and even if the atmosphere fell the others tried to make it dissolve by joking. By teasing Richie about his apparent clownphobia.

"I thought you were scared of werewolves" Eddie suddenly quipped in. Richie didn't even consider that this was the first time in a week that Eddie had addressed him directly, in favour of arguing.

"I'm afraid of  _ becoming  _ a werewolf, also I can have more than one fear!" He said and Eddie grimaced at him as he always did, when things were normal.

"What's the difference?" Eddie said and Richie adjusted his glasses and furrowed his brows.

"Because you lose control and end up hurting the ones-" he stopped talking, suddenly aware that he and Eddie weren't supposed to be like this right now. He felt a sudden hope that maybe they were alright, before Eddie looked away, seemingly also remembering that they weren't. 

"It's like… you have this monster inside" he mumbled and kicked at some rubble on the ground. 

The air was tense as they entered through the balloon arch and into the gym, that thankfully wasn't circus themed. 

But as soon as they entered, the group spread out on separate agendas. Eddie quickly ran off, dragging Ben with him. Mike wanting to see everything forced Stan to be his guide, and Beverly quickly sent Bill to get them punch.

Richie had tried to fall behind, not wanting to drag the others down with his downspiralling mood. The only one left to notice was Bev.

"You can go too Bev, you're the one who wanted to come" he mumbled and was shocked by the full force punch Beverly delivered to his shoulder.

"You're an idiot. I'm your date, remember!" She quickly pulled him to the side of the dancefloor.

"You can go home if you like Richie, but I'd really like you to stay" she said and pulled him into a hug.

"I know something is bothering you, and I know you told Ben but he's absolutely refusing to tell me" she said as she let him out of her embrace "and I want you to really realize how loyal he is, because it's  _ me.  _ He refuses to tell  _ me" _

Richie laughed.

"So you do realize how much he likes you" he said, trying to shift the focus. She rolled her eyes.

"Okay, go ahead and change the subject, as long as you're having fun" 

When Bill arrived she promptly handed her cup to Richie.

"I can't give you alcohol, but maybe you can pretend and get the placebo"

Bill tried offering his own punch to her instead, but she declined. Richie almost felt bad about the dejected look on Bill's face as Beverly kept her eyes on Richie.

"You guys can go dance if you want" Richie tried again, really not wanting to bring anyone else down with him. Now both Bill and Beverly gave him that look, as if they wanted to prod but knew better. Eventually Beverly turned to Bill, but instead of asking him to dance as Richie suggested she sent him away again.

Richie furrowed his brow.

"Bev I'm serious"

"I know, I'm still not leaving"

Richie sighed and took a sip of his punch, almost expecting the faint taste if alcohol and was disappointed that it was just raspberry. It was probably too early to expect spiked punch, or maybe the cool kids carried flasks. Instead of risking getting caught mixturing with the larger batch.

"It's Eddie isn't it?" Beverly finally asked and Richie just shrugged.

"Not really, we'll get over it, I'm just not in the mood" he lied and leaned against the wall.

She stared at him, unsatisfied with his answer.

"Bev, I promise I'll join you guys soon, I just need a minute alone" he tried again, with a bit more determination.

She wasn't having it. She took him by the arm and dragged him to where Bill was waiting with Stan and Mike. They were accompanied by the chaperoning teacher, who seemed to be interrogating Mike about homeschooling. 

Deciding to save the poor man,

Richie took another swig of his drink and theatrically scrunched up his face.

"Oh my god, did someone spike this?" He exclaimed causing the teacher to abruptly leave to investigate. 

Taking Richie's cup with him. Richie simply took Bill's instead, who faintly protested but gave in the moment Bev draped her arm around his shoulder.

"I missed you guys" she said, pulling both Richie and Bill into another hug. Stan and Mike shrugged and joined in.

"Doesn't feel complete without Eddie and Ben though" Mike mumbled into Richie's shoulder and the small joy he had felt subsided. It didn't feel complete, and it was Richie's fault. Except it was also Eddie's fault for holding a grudge, Richie had tried to open up and get back to normal hadn't he? 

Stan feeling the odd tension was the first to remove himself from the incomplete group hug. 

"It's getting kinda sweaty" he said which successfully pulled the others out as well.

"Aren't we at a dance guys, let's dance!" Bev said to try and shift the mood and started dramatically doing the eagle. For a girl with several suitors and a reputation for being beautiful, Bev was a terribly ungraceful dancer. So she usually resolved to following an awful dancing tutorial she and Richie had found when they were thirteen. Picking imaginary apples and mowing imaginary lawns. For a moment Richie forgot about being sad and joined her. Not caring if he looked stupid, because Beverly didn't care. 

He had missed this. The way she could erase his cares by just goofing off. Maybe she didn't always know what to say like Stan did, but she always knew what to do to get his mind of off things and he loved her for that. 

But not even Beverly could distract him long enough from the fact that he really missed Eddie. As he spilled his, or rather Bill's half finished drink, she followed him to refill it. It dawned on him that she didn't dare leave him alone long enough to even get his own beverage. Something really was wrong with him if he was being so obvious.

"Bev I'm fine!" He said as he filled up his cup. Bev squinted her eyes at him.

"I am, I might leave soon, but just cause I'm warm, my pants are too small and you guys keep  _ bugging  _ me" he insisted.

"Fine. But you have to promise me one dance before you leave. You decide if it's happening now or later" she said and took a sip from his drink, by the look on her face she too seemed surprised by the lack of alcohol.

"You're gonna be too busy dancing with loverboy all night" he said and twirled the pink liquid in its cup. Staring at it.

"Speaking of which, have you decides which one it's gonna be yet?" 

He glanced to the bleachers where Bill stood quite shamelessly and watched them. Waiting. To Richie's surprise, so was Ben. Which meant he wasn't with Eddie anymore.

"Who says I have to choose?" Beverly said cheekily and finally seemed to lose herself from Richie's side, in order to waltz over to the others. To Richie's mild surprise she grabbed them both by the hands and led them out on the floor.

Richie chuckled, maybe they could work it out after all. He followed the triad dancing and laughing, Bill and Ben looking the most at ease with each other Richie had ever seen them. They looked good, happy. Enjoying themselves just as Richie wanted. 

And then he saw him.

Eddie was dancing with a girl, Richie couldn't say if he knew who she was. He only saw her from the back.

Some blonde in a bright pink dress with Eddie's head over her shoulder. Richie's heart sank as he watched them, he was so transfixed he didn't even register that Eddie had seen him.

Their eyes met and for a moment it felt as if the world around them muted. Richie felt the words almost take shape on his lips, as if he wanted to mouth them. Wanted the words to be seen if not heard. 

_ 'Are you doing this on purpose? Why are you doing this? Do you want to hurt me? I lov-' _

_I love, _his treacherous mouth began to form, he took another sip of his drink and looked away. Feeling the bitter sting of tears at his eyes.

He left without telling the others.

* * *

Running home left some time  _ not _ to think. Running home forced enough focus on not falling, that he could fool his brain not to think about how much it hurt to watch Eddie dance with someone else. Time to not think about how much Richie screwed up everything good in his life. Running was a good distraction. 

But eventually you always reached your destination.

He ran the last steps inside, past his mother's enquiziting eyes. She followed him upstairs and ahead of him. Stopping him in front of his door.

No more room to run.

He gasped, short shuddering breaths as tears started running down his cheeks, unstoppable. 

"Oh Richie" she said, her voice soft and understanding. As if she understood anything.

"There are so many girls out there who is gonna love you so much"

He felt all the hurt fuel the misdirected sudden anger before he could stop himself. He pulled back aggressively to get her hand away from his shoulder. She meant well, she just wanted to comfort him.

"Can I go to my room please" He snapped, trying to shove past her. She grabbed him and pulled him into a hug.

"You know Bev is young, she doesn't know-"

Richie ripped himself away from her again. Maggie flinched as he glared through his still watering eyes.

"I'm gay mom" he said, through clenched teeth. But he couldn't hold it, the glare fell, leaving only choked back sobs as he fell forward, back into her arms.

She stroke his back once before pulling him upright again. She stared, looking stiff and unnatural. She grabbed his face and wiped his tears away. 

"No you're not" she said and pushed his hair out of his eyes.

The rejection burnt. Even stronger in combination with her loving, gentle touch. It stung worse than seeing Eddie with some blonde girl. God, he wished he hadn't told her. Why did he tell her? 

"I'm gay" he said again. He had stopped crying now, he felt too empty to cry.

With a last sniff he wiped his snot on his sleeve.

"Honey, you're confused. I've known you your entire life and it's normal to wonder about this sort of thing but i _know_ _you_"

He shoved past her, successfully this time. 

"Whatever mom" he said, shutting his door in her face.

He sniffed again, feeling raw and gross. 

He lay down on the bed, not bothering to get out of any of his clothes. 

Richie crawled into fetal position, hugging his pillow tightly to his body as the tears started back up. He wanted to go back into his mother's arms and at the same time he didn't want to see her. Once again, as the distraction faded he thought about Eddie. 

He had no concept of time but suddenly the door creaked open behind him.

He was laying with his back to her as she entered but she knew the distinct shake of her sons sobs. She knew them by heart even as it had been years since she'd seen them.

Richie felt the mattress tip as she sat down. Her hand rubbed his arm soothingly.

"Richie" she said, her voice cracking "Please don't cry" 

He could hear her sniffing too 

"Honey, I'm sorry"

He slowly turned to face her, she was about to cry as well.

He caught one glance at her shiny eyes before she looked away. As she blinked the tears she had tried to keep from falling fell in big crystal like drops. 

"I'm a terrible mother" she said.

Richie sat up and buried his face against her chest. She held him as tight as she could.

"I don't… I'm not good at this" she said "I need some time to get better".

He nodded. He wanted to tell her that it wasn't her reaction that had upset him, but he couldn't. Although initially not the cause it wasn't entirely not because of it either. 

"I'm sorry" she said again and hugged him until his violent sobbing ceased.

"I'm so sorry" she repeated again.

* * *

The atmosphere was tense at the Tozier's breakfast table the next morning. His father held his newspaper up like a lifeline, but it was apparent he wasn't reading since he hadn't flipped the pages for an hour. Richie was scooping his cereals up and dropping them back into the bowl without eating. 

His mother was gripping her coffee cup tightly, probably cold by now. The soft steam had disappeared and she too was holding it more as if she needed something to hold onto rather than using it. It was apparent she wanted to try and understand but struggling.

"Richie, we love you and we only want you to be happy" she finally said, Richie left his spoon in the bowl in order to cross his arms over the table. His mother instinctively reached out to push them off but stopped herself. Giving him a pass.

"It's fine" he said. It was clear she wasn't thrilled by the outcome of last night, but she had also made it very clear that she wanted to be supportive. That didn't change the awkward energy around the family.

"It's not fine Richie I-" Maggie sat her cup down and burrowed her head in her hands.

"It's not fine that i'm gay or…" Richie couldn't help adding spitefully. His mother looked tired and sighed.

Wentworth Tozier finally folded his newspaper and placed it on his knee. With a stern glare he leaned closer, it resembled some sort of normalcy which felt oddly good.

"Let her finish Richie" he said and poured himself a new cup of coffee while his paper was down.

"It's not fine that i handled the situation poorly" his mother said and reached out to grab at Richie's hand. He stiffened in his seat but didn't pull away.

"I'm gonna try and do better" and this time she was looking at her husband. No doubt had they been talking about this last night. What to do with their stupid gay son?

"I love you. I'll  _ always  _ love you" she said. A small smile growing on her face.

_ Despite being gay _ , Richie's mind unhelpfully added and he had to wrestle it away in order to just feel some relief that they accepted it. 

"Thank you" he said and got up to go put his dishes away. 

"Beverly called, I said you'd call her back later but I forgot to take the number" his mother shouted after him as he walked out. He grunted in response.

He knew where they were gonna be anyway. 

Throwing on the first clean items of clothing that he could find, he ran outside and biked over to the Capitol. The losers weren't there yet, probably taking the detour down to the clubhouse first. As far as Richie knew they would stay there for hours.

He put a quarter into the old streetfighter game but paused before pushing play. A strange unease came over him but he quickly pulled himself out of it and pressed start. He went through seven sets before someone abruptly paused the game for him in the middle of a special combo.

"Nice to see you're alive" Bev said, crossing her arms over her chest as she leaned on the machine to better glare at him.

"I told you I was gonna leave" Richie muttered and pressed start again. Giving her half of his attention which weakened his game but at least he didn't have to look at her.

"Not without saying goodbye!"

He threw his hands up as he lost and turned his entire focus onto Bev.

"Well I'm sorry, you can't just disappear and then show up and expect everything to be normal!" Richie spat and to his confusion she just smiled and shook her head.

"Alright mister, but i am only here for the weekend and I would like to have  _ one day  _ together" she grabbed him by the arm and pulled him along to where Eddie was exchanging his money. Grabbing him with her other free arm she ignored their protests as she pushed them both inside the old photobooth. With Bill and Ben's help she then successfully kept them in there. Mike and Stan stayed out of it but still happily watched the spectacle sharing some candy.

"This isn't funny Beverly!" Eddie shouted, trying to push his way back out. Richie had given up the struggle. Sitting down on the stool, sad eyes glued on Eddie.

"Oooh full name, you  _ are  _ mad" Beverly cooed "seriously, you don't have to solve everything but please call a truce"

She then poked her head inside, through the drapes and pouted.

"For me?" She added before her head retreated.

Eddie was still fuming but sat down next to Richie, with his arms crossed and angrily staring ahead.

Richie caught their reflection in the metallic machine before them. Sitting side by side, Eddie glaring. Richie… he wasn't sure how he looked. Pale, empty of emotion?

"I'm sorry" Richie said and Eddie visibly relaxed his shoulders.

"But you did jump to conclusions, I just expressed myself poorly" 

For a second what his mother had said to him appeared in sudden clarity. They were more alike than Richie had thought and maybe… He and his mom would be okay at least, now that he knew that.

Eddie's shoulders tensed somewhat again and Richie sighed.

"So why did you say it then?" Eddie asked, glancing towards the drapes and carefully choosing his words as to not reveal what their fight was about. In case they were overheard. 

"I can't tell you that" Richie said and shrugged. Shifting his eyes from their disfigured reflections to the actual boy sitting beside him. 

"Fuck you, then what am I supposed to think?" Eddie said and now he too was looking right at Richie. 

"Can you just trust that you mean so much more to me than-" Richie stopped himself, eyes darting to the drapes slowly moving, indicating his friends shapes on the other side.

"You're my best friend, we're all best friends. Can we at least make peace until Bev goes back?"

Once again Eddie's shoulders relaxed.

"For Bev?" Richie asked and Eddie rolled his eyes at the mumbled echo of the words, from the voices beyond the veil.

"Fine, I'm still mad at you though" Eddie stood up and pulled the drapes aside.

Beverly, Ben and Bill all flinched and straightened up from their position of obvious eavesdropping.

"That's fine" Richie said and exploringly flung his arm over Eddie's shoulder. Eddie allowed it. 

"It's not fine" Eddie mumbled and Richie wasn't sure if he meant them or the fact that he was mad at Richie. At least they were talking again.

As they had gotten out of earshot of the other Derry residents Bev swiftly turned her attention to Eddie 

"So Eddie, that blonde girl?" Both Richie and Eddie seemed to flinch at her mention "Is she your beard, so your mother won't find out?"

The other boys froze and looked hesitantly between Eddie and Bev. Richie slowly, yet reluctantly slid his arm off of Eddie to stand to the side in case Eddie would flip about being in public.

"What do you mean beard?" Eddie asked instead and Richie couldn't help snicker.

"It's when a gay guy dates a girl to hide the fact that he's gay" Ben whispered and Eddie's face flushed a deep scarlet.

"Even I knew that, and I'm homeschooled" Mike said smiling.

"Did you guys tell her?!" Eddie screeched instead of addressing his lack of knowledge about gay culture.

"Seriously? You guys give me no credit" Beverly laughed and pulled Eddie under her arm. She was sort of acting as if he still fit there, as if he hadn't finally grown past her in her absence. 

"I  _ know  _ you guys" she pulled Eddie into a half hug and he scoffed. Richie finally felt at peace. Every nerve that had gone haywire inside him finallys settling, his muscles relaxed. He kinda felt like just collapsing on the ground. They were whole again.

Maybe not mint condition but if you broke a mirror and glued it back together, you'd still see the cracks. Didn't mean it wasn't a functioning mirror. 

"Man I need to sit down, this shit was intense" Richie exclaimed and the others laughed. The sound of their laughter mingling was like music to his ears. 

When he came home his mother was sitting at the kitchen table, cutting out coupons from the paper. He walked up and leaned his weight on her, hugging her from behind. She immediately grabbed his arm and squeezed.

"Hey?" She said, he took in a deep breath.

"I know you're not good at expressing yourself. I get that from you" he began.

She scoffed as if insulted but she was also smiling.

"I would be a hypocrite if I didn't forgive you" he stood up and went to grab a glass of water but still felt her eyes on him.

"Did you say something inappropriate again?" she asked.

He shrugged.

"Kinda"

She tsk'd and shook her head.

"I'm sorry you're so much like me" she said, as she returned to cutting. He sat down in the seat beside her and picked up a paper to examine it for interesting deals.

"I thought that was what you wanted, a child you could relate to" he said.

She froze her handiwork looking surprised, then she smiled wide.

"Yeah, I guess I did!" 

Richie had started cutting out coupons for sodas so she quickly grabbed it out of his hand with a frown. Before handing him another for frozen goods like fish and vegetables.

They sat in silence for a while, handing clippings to each other. Then his mother suddenly snickered to herself.

"Too bad you've outgrown my old shoes" she said and then Richie laughed too. Deciding not to make a big deal out of her generalizing based on stereotypes. That was a conversation for another day.

Things were different, but maybe they would be okay.

  
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I predict some people will think Maggie is a bad parent for this, I disagree My take is that Maggie having a bad reaction at first doesn't make her a bad person, it makes her human. Getting caught off guard and making a mistake. And I just love writing that complex moment where a parent doesn't fully accept their child coming out and has to work that out within themselves.
> 
> On another note, sometimes you just need a Beverly to get the wheels going!


	13. The boyfriend privilege

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> [](https://ibb.co/9g3RP14)

The thing about trying to act normal with someone you'd been grinding on while making out was…. That it was impossible. Especially when said normal was intimate to begin with. Acting as usual while Bev was there meant playfighting and wrestling over the best seats. However currently, whenever they did that they both ended up feeling electric charges through their very bones. Which lead to them freezing up and putting distance between them. At least that's what it felt like for Richie. He was pretty certain his body had memorized this reaction for touching Eddie, and it was even worse when he hadn't gotten to do so for a while. As if he was going through Eddie-withdrawal and every small touch was the addiction. 

At least they were talking. 

That was good enough for Richie.

It was not however, good enough for their friends. Beverly had seemed to make it her mission to get Richie and Eddie into the same space no matter what. She knew they weren't back to normal yet, even if she didn't have all the details. Which was why Richie and Eddie were off on an errand to get snacks for the others.

They had walked to the store in silence and hadn't spoken more than to decide what snacks to get. It was nerve wracking and Richie was breaking at the seams. When they were almost back at Bill's house he finally snapped.

"Okay I'm sorry, I can't take this! Tell me about anything, talk about diseases!" 

Eddie snickered.

"Yeah cause that's gonna lighten the mood" he said but the air had managed to get less strained between them nonetheless.

"I mean it, I'm giving you free range to talk about  _ anything _ " Richie opened his eyes wide and stared at Eddie to pinpoint that he truly meant it.

Eddie seemed to ponder it, a bit too serious looking for Richie's liking.

"Can I talk about us?" Eddie finally said and the nervous emotions that had been twirling around in Richie's stomach sank and set like cement.

"... that doesn't sound uplifting either" Richie mumbled "could you please tell me about bacteria?" 

Eddie sighted, Richie would've felt better if he'd glared. Gotten mad at Richie for being stupid or whatever. But he stayed serious and somewhat solemn.

"I mean it… I just…" Eddie kicked a pebble on the ground and the bag of snacks swung from his arm as he did so.

"I feel like maybe you thought i didn't want to-... That i don't find you attractive or whatever"

Richie had thought that, but honestly he'd been more concerned about Eddie thinking Richie felt nothing  _ but  _ attraction. It wasn't a shallow thing for him, but how did he explain that without outing his deep and embarrassing love for Eddie? 

"That's fine, you just wanted to make out with someone and I was pushing-"

"No." Eddie interrupted staring intensely to the pavement.

"I wanted to. Or no I mean… I've thought about it" 

Richie was a bit foggy on what Eddie was talking about and it must have read on his face cause Eddie looked annoyed and embarrassed all at once as he seemed to realize he had to explain further. 

"I've thought about us doing more than kissing dumbass, I just didn't want things to get weird between us"

Richie's mind blanched, he'd stopped walking which forced Eddie to stop as well, only a few steps ahead on the sidewalk. He looked back at Richie, eyebrows pushed together in a scowl.

"Oh" Richie said as his brain slowly started to awake.

They stared at each other some more, then richie shrugged.

"Things got weird between us anyway" he said and Eddie's scowl deepened but he nodded.

Richie started walking again, Eddie right beside him. Once again it felt tense between them. They didn't speak. Both of them sunken into deep thought. It took them about a block of silence before Eddie slowly linked their pinkies together. Hidden behind one of the plastic bags hanging from his wrist. Richie glanced at him but once again Eddie was staring into the pavement. He seemed relaxed though, as if the tension from before was starting to slip away. It made Richie braver.

As they walked up to Bill's house Richie grabbed Eddie's wrist and pulled him back from the door. Just close enough to whisper.

"Do you want to come to my place later?" He asked, slowly letting go of the arm and instead traced his fingers across the skin. Eddie met his gaze, his pupils dilated and his breath came out strained as he nodded.

"Okay, good" 

Richie stepped back and went back into the garage where the others waited. The air between Richie and Eddie was still tense but a lot more positive.

They silently seemed to agree to keep a low profile and ventured into opposite sides of the gang as they dropped the snacks in the middle. Richie couldn't help sneak a glance towards Eddie though and when their eyes met he smiled coyly. Eddie was better at hiding it, his lip just twitching slightly into an almost smile. Richie should've known better than to think no one would notice.

"Oh good. They  _ made up"  _ Stan proclaimed as he reached for a coke out of the pile. 

Beverly looked both delighted and relieved as she exclaimed "finally!".

Bill looked confused at this display. He too seemed to have picked up on the flirty atmosphere but it seemed to surprise him more than the others. His brain seemed to work overtime as he looked between Eddie and Richie, then to Stan and Bev and then back to Eddie and Richie as his eyebrows rose in some sort of realisation.

"Oh my god!" He said as he pointed to Richie.

"And!" He pointed to Eddie 

"oh my god!" He said again as his eyebrows knitted in shock.

"You're together!?" As the cogs seemed to turn inside his head it was Mike's turn to look confused.

"Haven't they always been?" Mike asked at the same time as Bill had started rambling about memories of Richie and Eddie that suddenly made sense to him now.

"What? No, not always" Eddie answered Mike, trying to tune out the sound of Bill yelling to Beverly about the hammock.

"Anyway we're not together" Richie piped in a bit louder, trying to speak over Bill's somewhat excited rambling in order to get everyone's attention.

"We're just hooking up, like it's just casual since we both like guys" 

The sudden silence was deafening and Richie couldn't help the knot in his stomach at the worried glances being exchanged across the room.

"What?" He said, trying to act nonchalant "we've got it under control. Right Eds?"

"Don't call me Eds Richie" Eddie said, which appeared to be the perfect thing to say. The sense of normalcy was finally back, even with the knowledge of two of their friends casually kissing sometimes. 

Perhaps it was the power of nostalgia.

* * *

The unavoidable moment came. They got one day of blizz, a moment where it seemed like nothing had changed between the Losers club. Then Beverly had to leave again.

They gathered at the train station to say goodbye and before boarding Bev pulled Richie close. While she hugged him, she gave him some advice. Low enough so only he would hear.

"It's not casual if you love him Richie" she said, squeezing him tighter when he tensed up. So that he wouldn't try to run.

"Casual only works when both parts are on the same terms" 

He relaxed in her embrace, only to show her she could safely let go of him. She did, after hugging him for just another minute.

"Yeah, yeah" he said flippantly so she grabbed his arms and looked straight into his eyes.

"I'm serious. Casual relationships are not child's play" 

Richie tensed again, then nodded.

She was right. He knew she was right. Still, as the train departed and they all returned to their scattered bikes, Richie and Eddie walked the same familiar path to Richie's house together.

As they parked the bikes on the lawn, Richie's hands felt clammy from sweat. He was starting to get nervous. Just because they had talked about it didn't mean anything would actually happen as they walked inside. Yet the way Eddie looked at him probably meant they were at least gonna kiss. Richie could handle kissing though. Even if he did consider what Beverly said he could absolutely handle kissing.

As the front door closed behind them Eddie suddenly grabbed Richie by the wrist and ran towards Richie's room. Slamming Richie's bedroom door shut the shorter boy pushed Richie against it with surprising strength, and kissed him feverishly. Richie struggled to catch up mentally but his lips seemed to remember this game exactly. Then something happened that short circuited Richie's brain all together. Eddie moaned and pressed his entire body against Richie. Everything Beverly had ever told him flew out the window in that very moment.

"Fuck I missed this" Eddie said breathily as he pulled away and Richie just gaped at him like a stupid fish.

It made Eddie smile.

"Do you wanna undress me?" Eddie said. Shyer this time.  _ Yeah, fuck Beverly and her words, _ Richie thought as he dove back in for another kiss.

He hesitantly pulled at the hem of Eddie's shirt and relished in the feel of hot skin against his fingertips. He threw the shirt on the ground and Eddie uncharecteristically didn't complain. 

Eddie removed Richie's shirt a lot more aggressively. There was a ripping sound from the neck's hemline and Eddie froze with an apologetic gaze. Richie just shrugged and pulled the shirt off the rest of the way. Eddie froze again, staring over Richie's chest.

"Why do you have so many bruises?" He asked, tracing his fingers over Richie's battered torso. A shiver went down Richie's spine as they went.

"You think climbing into your window is easy Ed?" 

They were mostly healed by now but the uncomfortable climb always left it's marks on him. At least the scratch marks from branches were gone now. 

Eddie frowned.

"Maybe we should just do this at your place from now on?" He said and Richie smiled at the thought of there being a next time. Then he grabbed Eddie's hand and traced it over his own skin. Until it reached an almost healed bruise at his abdomen, from where he got stabbed by a branch a while back. He wasn't even sure it was from climbing Eddie's window but that didn't matter.

"Meanwhile, will you kiss it better?" he asked coyly and to his delight Eddie grinned back and pulled him onto the bed.

* * *

The thing was, they didn't really do much. Not compared to the stuff Richie had read about or managed to glance at from a porno. But the small things were still like straight out of a  _ very  _ good dream. Richie knew what Eddie looked like when he orgasmed. He had seen him naked like that. It was weird, but also kinda perfect. Eddie was always beautiful but the fact Richie might be the only person to have seen him so beautifully dishevelled was an honour and a privilege. 

The problem however was sitting next to that same boy in Sexual education as they talked about handjobs, and they had actually done it. Feeling that same hand in his own sweaty palm, secretly hidden under the desk. Feeling every callous just made the memory more vivid. Sexual education was embarrassing enough as it was. Sitting through the lessons with first hand experience was tougher. 

Richie was sitting next to Eddie in Sex ed and he had actually  _ sexed Ed.  _

Or maybe it didn't count if you hadn't gone all the way yet?

Maybe it was just a matter of time before they did though? Just the thought made Richie hot in his clothes. 

After school they went to Richie's house as per usual. Since their current relationship had developed like it had, Eddie wasn't really comfortable being under the same roof as his mother at the same time as Richie. He had also stuck to the notion that Richie wasn't allowed to climb into his window again if he was just gonna hurt himself doing it.

Richie had Eddie presses to the bed, trailing kisses down his neck and stomach. He stopped right under his navel and exploringly poked out his tongue to lick at the skin. Eddie gasped and grabbed a fistful of Richie's hair which caused Richie to give a half pained, half thrilled groan.

Going back up to lock their lips Richie rhythmically started slowly rocking their hips together. This he had done before so Eddie wasn't that surprised by it. What Richie said next however did seem to catch him off guard. 

The thought from earlier still haunted Richie so he had figured he'd shoot his shot.

"Do you… have one of those condoms on you?" He whispered and pulled back enough for Eddie to register what he was asking. Eddie froze, lips parted, still panting. But his eyes were staring in obvious shock. 

"If you… want to?" Richie continued, confidence faltering at Eddie's lack of action.

Eddie perched himself up on his arms and looked anywhere but at Richie.

Richie decided to get off of him and sat at the side of the bed. He also wanted to look away but found himself unable to. His eyes were glued on Eddie, who looked a bit uncomfortable. Once again Richie had managed to ruin a perfectly good mood.

"No" Eddie finally said, he looked back at Richie looking apologetic. As if he had anything to apologise for, if he didn't want to that was fine by Richie. Even if it hurt his pride a little.

"I like what we're already doing" Eddie continued anyway "I don't want to go  _ all  _ the way because… I would like to do that with like a boyfriend, with someone who loves me"

Richie's heart tightened in his chest, every fiber of it screaming out that he was that someone. The words so far out on his tongue. The closest they had ever been to being spilled. He almost told him, he almost confessed. Instead he choked out a "cool, sure" and stood up from the bed.

"You're not gonna be weird about this again, right?" Eddie asked, looking alarmed and scrambling for his shirt. Richie was feeling rather crowded. It was his house so he couldn't exactly leave, could he? 

He was staring at Eddie sitting on his bed, putting his shirt back on. The emotional turmoil inside of him was buzzing like a swarm of melancholy bees and he knew that if he stayed like that he would spill everything on poor Eddie. And he'd get stung, metaphorically speaking. Eddie was making a fair point, he just didn't know Richie could fit the description. Everything except for the boyfriend part, which was what made it so painful. Suddenly Richie understood what Beverly had meant with great clarity.

_ Tell him you love him _ , his brain tried again.  _ Just tell him that you love him you dumbass. _

"I… need air" he finally managed to say and ran. Screw that they were at Richie's house. He had to leave, had to leave or he'd tell Eddie and ruin everything. Eddie wanted his first time to be with his boyfriend, and Richie wasn't it. He had made that perfectly clear.    
  
  


**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know, I know. They had just gotten over the last bump in the road but you have to remember that they're stupid teens. 
> 
> Next chapter is the last one! It's going to be a little different. :)


End file.
